Stepping down from leadership - regressing?

[Guest ERCat]

Real struggling internally with career stuff and hoping you guys could offer some insight. You always give great advice. Whining alert ahead.

A year ago I was selected for a team lead position for my group. This was a role I accepted with some reservations. I have always struggled with leadership and have always preferred to be a follower, but I was not surprised that they picked me because I do have a good energy, I do a good job clinically, I am excited about being a PA, and I seem smart... But those things don’t always translate into being a good leader. Deep down I knew that but I accepted the position because as someone early in my career I feel like I should accept as many opportunities as I can!

Of the course of the last year I have realized a few things and am wondering if this means I should step down.

1) I feel like I am really bad at the role. I don’t have the forward thinking mentality I need. I am still often the last to know information. I am not creative and am never the one to come up with novel solutions to problems. I have SERIOUS ADD and have forgotten about meetings, or been embarrassed because I got confused about important details I should know. I never ever have been so forgetful with anything in my life, except for a time in my life I was in a job I hated and felt like I was really bad at.

2) As a result of the above I am left feeling incompetent. I hate worrying about the fact that I probably look scatterbrained and careless when I forget things. And I hate that I haven’t really made any sort of a difference. I hate getting off the phone after a phone meeting and realizing i didn’t say anything insightful or smart. It kinda takes a huge toll on my self esteem. 

3) I don’t at all like the duties in this role. Meetings, scheduling, conference calls. Does anyone like this stuff?!

4) I feel like I am being taken advantage of in some ways. I get paid a flat salary for this position based on a certain amount of hours a month but do way more than those hours some months. I realize sometimes that’s what leadership entails but no one else in an admin role gets paid only a flat amount - the rest bill for every minute they spend in their role. I was fine with this until I was asked to do something way outside my scope with and takes me about 8 extra hours in a month. 

5) I miss being able to “clock out” at the end of the shift. Being in a leadership role - you can’t do that.

Overall I feel like the leadership role is dragging my soul down a bit. It has put a huge damper on a job I used to ADORE pre-leadership.

The question is - am I just being a snooty millennial wanting everything to be fulfilling? Isn’t moving up the ladder supposed to be hard and don’t we ALL want to move up the ladder? Who demotes themselves? And if I did quit - I am afraid of how that would make me appear to the bosses I respect.

[EMEDPA]

I was a lead PA for 2 years early in my career and hated almost every minute of it. lots of meetings, doing the schedule for 12 people, working too much, and covering all the holes in the schedule so everyone else could get THEIR vacation, cme, etc.

no thanks. I find I prefer leading clinical teams on overseas medical missions, but have no desire to ever be an administrative lead PA again.

You tried it. you don't like it. no shame in handing off the role to someone else who might enjoy it more. life is complicated enough. focus on what you enjoy and walk away from the stuff you don't.

[MT2PA]

In a past life and previous career I was a team lead because it was the next step in moving up the ladder.  And just like EMEDPA I hated it.  It was less about being good at the technical skills and more about administrative details.  I despised being in charge of scheduling and making sure staff was clocking in/out on time and not wasting time when they should be working.  Honestly it's why I went back to school to become a PA because the only way to find a more challenging/fulfilling career without becoming management in my last field was to change careers. 

Even if you decide to step down now that's not to say you aren't cut out for leadership or that in the future you wouldn't find it more enjoyable just that at this point in your career you'd rather focus on clinical tasks versus administrative.  This is not a failure; it's a learning experience.  I imagine your bosses would rather keep you as a great PA than have you burn out and/or leave because you tried to make it work out.

[TWR]

First stop beating up on yourself.  I think you can step back to a level that you are comfortable and do your best.  This would not be a regression at all!!!  The fact that you were asked to take the role in the first place indicates that someone saw that you have an ability to take a lead role.  Maybe all you need is to be able to delegate some of the work or ask for help from people you respect.  The financial aspect is for another post.  You do have great qualities and you mentioned them in your post.  I have seen many of your posts and they are great comments to various questions.  The decision is yours as to what to do.  Don't feel bad.  This is not a failure but maybe not a good fit at this time.  IMHO 

[UGoLong]

"Many a person climbed the ladder...before realizing that it was leaning against the wrong wall."

It can be ego-stroking to get jobs with nicer titles, management responsibilities, etc. Slowly but surely, you move away from being a subject matter expert (i.e., a working PA) to a management expert. For some people, that's the right way to go, in the right job in the right organization. For others, it's not.

Finding yourself in the wrong job (after giving the usual time to adjust to any change) is your mind's way of telling you that you're off course.

Getting out of your current job doesn't mean you'll never go into management; it's just the wrong job, or the wrong time, or the wrong place.

Sail on in peace.

[Guest ral]

We can certainly be our own worst critics.  They obviously saw the potential in you, to offer the position in the first place.  Congrats on that.  That being said, if you don't find the role fulfilling then there is definitely no shame in stepping away from it.  I think the most difficult task will be how you present your case for stepping down.  If you use the statements that you have provided above, I can foresee them interpreting this as you seeking a solution to your approach and ability to perform in the role.  Be clear that you are not asking them to help you figure how to be the leader they want you to be.  Be firm in your explanation that this is not a good fit for you at this point.  Offer to revisit in the future, when you may feel that you are ready to take the reigns.  One more solution is to request that a trusted colleague or two come on board, and make the leadership role a joint position.  Is there someone that you feel would make the job not only easier on you, it would also potentially spotlight their strengths, and allow you to be more on task as a team?  Along those same lines, would you regret relinquishing even one small aspect of the position, should you remove yourself completely?

[Guest ERCat]

Thank you all so much for the thoughtful responses.

I think the only regrets I would have would be having control of the schedule (although I don’t give myself a better schedule than anyone else, this aspect is nice) - since no one wants to do scheduling this would probably be something I could keep unless the next lead insisted on doing it.

It is interesting to hear about those who had similar leadership positions and hated them. It’s a weird feeling to have because I was raised to be very ambitious and always climb the ladder, and never pass up any opportunities. However what happens if you climb up the ladder to positions you only hate? It sucks because it seems like in medicine sometimes administrative roles are the only way to move up.

[sas5814]

It isn't for everyone and isn't a step backwards. You accepted a position and it just hasn't been a good fit for your skill set and personality. Step back...go be a great clinician and don't give it another thought.

[GetMeOuttaThisMess]

6 hours ago, EMEDPA said:

I was a lead PA for 2 years early in my career and hated almost every minute of it. lots of meetings, doing the schedule for 12 people, working too much, and covering all the holes in the schedule so everyone else could get THEIR vacation, cme, etc.

no thanks. I find I prefer leading clinical teams on overseas medical missions, but have no desire to ever be an administrative lead PA again.

You tried it. you don't like it. no shame in handing off the role to someone else who might enjoy it more. life is complicated enough. focus on what you enjoy and walk away from the stuff you don't.

I was the same back in the early 90's for our cardiology group that started with me and later bloomed to six PAs total over just a couple of years.  Talking about being in the middle...  One group wants the other group to know something and then the other group wants me to send a separate answer back.  Yuk!  I'll do one or the other (PA or admin) but not both simultaneously.  I don't recall if I received any additional pay or not for doing so.

One thing that jumped out at me in your original statement "Meow" was the "I seem smart" phrase.  I've never gotten the impression that you weren't and was curious if there was a reason why it was worded as such?  Maybe I've been binging too many episodes of "Mr. Robot" over the past couple of days.

[rev ronin]

So, the way I ended up with a corner office with a couch was to transition from family medicine to sleep medicine.  Mind you, the "corner office" is one of our sleep rooms by night, and is dominated by a big bed, cameras, and wires, while my desk is nicely tucked into a corner behind the door, but still... Oh, and the couch is a pull-out bed for parents. :-)

[SHU-CH]

I found myself in an academic leadership role on very short notice. It was a rough transition.

I think the good news is that leadership is a learnable skill. Thee are a gazillion good books and podcasts out there and you can find some that will suit your style. Don't feel like you should give up because you lack the skills - you can gain them.

To me the big question is one of energy - if being in a leadership role costs you more energy than it provides, it may not be worth it. There is nothing wrong with stepping back. But you should recognize that if you work for a place long enough you will usually find yourself in a "de facto" leadership role whether you want it or not. I saw it put well in a book I read this year (forget which one) that there are two general types of leaders, "rock stars" and "shooting stars."

• Rock stars are rock steady solid, do a predictably solid job and mentor newcomers to a high level of performance.
• Shooting stars are the people that want to face new challenges and climb through the ranks to ultimately run the place.

Both rolls are needed, and one is not better than the other.

[gbrothers98]

I was a de facto and then declared lead PA for over a decade in clinical practice before transitioning to a leadership role in academics for the last 2+ years, now transitioning back to clinical practice only. On reflection, there were positives & negatives, ups & downs for both. Days I felt like I was making a difference, others not so much. I gained the insight that professional satisfaction relied upon the people you work with, those you work for and the actual job itself. In the end, I came to several realizations that have led me to chart an individual course focused on my priorities while providing just enough 'leadership' on my terms. 

Good luck. George

[kargiver]

Completely liberating letting go of the reins, letting someone else do it, and going out and living the rest of your life the way you want to... I thoroughly love my job, no burnout, get to go see people I miss, do all the hobbies I love, spend time with family, and still have time to occasionally post on here. The best life to live is the one that best suits you - this is a hard concept to understand and accept, but when you accept what it is you really want, then you will be happy.  Otherwise you will are always just trying to please someone else. 

You can't regress in a job like this... there is always another patient to see.  That is what you trained to do.  The rest gets added on because we think we have to do it.  In reality, you don't.  Lots of people want to partake of the rat race.  Let them.  And go enjoy what you want to do...

From a fellow rat racer,

G

 

[BruceBanner]

I think academic or administrative leadership looks very different from business or "mission-based" military style leadership.

In the latter, you are leading a team to accomplish a common aim or mission. There is usually a higher degree of individual investment in these roles and a clearer reward for a job done and job won.

In the former, it seems to be more management than leading. Patient keep coming in a dont ever stop coming in. The objectives are to simply keep the machine running, meet benchmarks set by corporate, and deal with the minutiae of scheduling coordination, interpersonal issues, organizational changes, etc.

I could see how that wouldnt be appealing, and there is no shame in being a 'worker bee' if that's where you were really happy.