poopy06 Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 I really need some help here on my current situation... I realize I will get bashed for this, and I apologize in advance, I sincerely do not mean to offend anyone. I am a 32 year old woman and I have been a PA for 5 years; I have worked with my husband who is a physician. Becoming a PA was a no-brainer at the time for me because I was so worried about having a good lifestyle and having time for children (who doesn’t?). After 4 years, I was able to function completely alone; I realize that I was probably allowed more autotomy because I worked for husband. I felt in a way that it was unfair as all of my friends struggled with their physician bosses, the politics of the hospital (well, I did struggle with this too; we all do), while I got to do more, have more flexibility, and basically, be the “physician”. I performed all of the services for my hospital that were required of my specialty that would have been done by my husband, and people saw me “like a physician”. They even stopped calling my husband for questions and then everyone started really relying on me, and I felt great that people had come to trust me so much. My husband was so proud of me. He was able to start focusing on another hospital. I had to work hard for that trust and all of my knowledge. I even felt bad because my PA friends who were working hard as well were not even looked at with that kind of respect. I started to feel that because my husband was a well-liked doctor, it was the only reason that I was able to obtain that kind of trust and respect (my PA friends would despise me for it, telling me I “was just so lucky”, “it’s all about who you know”, and “you just have what everyone wants”). It was about this time that I started to feel like that if something were to happen to him or our relationship, I would lose all that I had worked for and would have to work under the same conditions that my friends were working under (no autonomy, they literally complained of not having any respect among their supervising physicians, not allowed to see complicated patients or dictate consults…my city is not that PA friendly… maybe I wouldn't be a happy PA)? It was then at this time that a friend of mine told me about a PA to MD program and that she was going to do it. A year ago, I started the program too. My husband thought that I was crazy but was supportive. I really do not have a lot of emotional support from anyone and I have to admit, this wears me down. This is the first time I ever ask for advice. My reasons for going for it were these: 1. I felt that, besides the other above reasons, that with as much autonomy that I had, I would be really unhappy if I lost that because I was so accustomed to it. 2. I had always dreamed of becoming a physician, but never gathered up the nerves to do it because I was scared of the time commitment and sacrifice. When I decided to become a PA, I thought it was an easy choice because of the “lifestyle”. If all I wanted was just a good lifestyle, then I wouldn’t even be thinking of medical school. There was something more to it for me. 3. After 4 years of being a PA, I started to feel frustrated that I would never become a physician because I functioned like one and I was doing fine 4. I had a strong desire to do it; I don’t want to do anything else besides medicine. 5. I am scared that I will be at the end of my life and regret not taking advantage of this opportunity. I mean don’t we all want to be the best we can be? *There are more, but these are what keep me going anyway* After a year into it, I am feeling guilty that I chose this path because of all that I have sacrificed so far and all that my husband has sacrificed. I cannot believe that I feel so guilty for this. I am questioning my decision making capabilities and my character. I am thinking of quitting because maybe lifestyle IS all that matters. I feel inherently guilty that when residency comes, I will be missing so much of my life for it. I feel ashamed that I am not being a good wife, that I am taking my husband’s manhood by becoming a doctor and not doing all of the housework like before (my family has told me this, and I just believe it now. Women and men are different). I feel like that there is something really wrong with me becoming a doctor, but that little voice in my head says that I will regret quitting. At the beginning, I was really happy and felt that I made the right choice. Also, quite honestly, I am scared that I will go through all of this and my husband will leave me and I will be alone, no children, no family because of all time I will spend in residency (the program is 3 years, plus 3 years residency, plus fellowship that I would like to do, which is another 2 years – I will be about 40 when I finish). It is a real fear that I have that I cannot shake. So many people have discouraged me that I believe I made a mistake. Or am I making a mistake? :( Has anyone gone through something like this? Can anyone give me advice? Do you know someone who is in a similar situation that could help me? Is the gain of becoming a physician worth the cost in my situation? Are there any PAs that are doing what I am doing or going through what I am going through? I cannot say thank you enough to anybody that can give me advice. You don’t know how much I appreciate you reading this, even if just for emotional support. Thank you and I am so sorry this is long :( Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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