PLEASE critique - and please be brutally honest!

[Jdnelson1]

Some may say it takes time to live a life full of diverse experiences and service. Examining my life I have found the opposite; my time has not been taken, but profoundly expanded by learning, teaching, and service. Now, looking ahead with a clear understanding of my purpose, I am absolutely committed to the course of becoming a physician assistant (PA). As a PA I will employ a life’s worth of experience in continuing service to others. I have overcome great obstacles and I am tremendously grateful for the opportunities that I have had to develop passion and compassion from an early age.

 

My father was diagnosed with Takayasu’s Arteritis as a child and it has affected him throughout his life. Consequently, I grew up with a dad whose activities were severely limited. Unable to do many active things together, I yearned to help him and desperately wished he were healthy. As a result I began to learn empathy for those dealing with difficult medical conditions. But that was just the beginning of my journey. Numerous situations since my childhood have shaped me into a caring, compassionate adult focused on helping others.

 

When I was 20 years old I gave up a full-ride scholarship to the U.S. Air Force Academy in order to dedicate two years to volunteer mission service in Spain. Seeing the difference that my service could make to others changed my life forever. I particularly remember Vicente, a 60-year old alcoholic. Through constant support and education we fought his addiction and helped him find a healthier life. I have continued using skills I learned on my mission, volunteering and translating between English and Spanish in both medical and social contexts. In order to continue to use Spanish professionally I have finished the requirements for Certified Medical Interpreter and look forward to the certifying tests this year.

 

Upon returning from Spain I completed an undergraduate degree in zoology at Brigham Young University (BYU). I worked through college as a flight instructor, teaching technical aviation and aerodynamic principles. I loved to fly and to explain difficult principles to learners, and was captivated with youthful dreams of a career as a pilot. Regrettably, my single-minded pursuit of aviation detracted from my academic work in those years. Still, medically related courses I took fascinated me. Though I spent several years in aviation, I always planned to turn one day to medicine.

 

In 1996 while working as a bush pilot in remote Alaska, I was nearly killed after crashing an airplane onto the frozen Arctic Ocean. I count myself now among the many fortunate souls whose lives have been improved or prolonged because of the knowledge and dedication of caring medical professionals. My treatment and recovery further stoked my love of the medical field. After a year of physical therapy and rehabilitation I returned to work with a renewed sense of my responsibility to use my own life to help others. I began to consider how I could best serve society, and flying wasn’t the answer.

 

When I left aviation, my family was young. I seriously considered pursuing a medical career at that point, but it was simply not the right time in my life. My wife and I considered our options carefully and felt confident that the best course at that time was to return to school to become a teacher. I enjoyed a successful decade in the classroom engaging students and relishing my own children’s school days. Even so, teaching Spanish was not the role I hoped to play for my entire life and I often felt the call of a career in medicine. Now that my children are older and pursuing college degrees themselves, I am able to dedicate myself wholeheartedly to my dream from years ago – a career of service as a PA.

 

In 2011 I returned to BYU to complete prerequisites for application to PA school. In 2012, I traded my tenured teaching career for an entry-level position as a nurse assistant on the cardiothoracic floor. Although financially a step backward, we prepared for this move knowing that it was an important step forward in gaining experience working with and helping patients. As an assistant I have devoted myself to going beyond the basics of my job. I have sought to be an invaluable part of a team-based effort in patient care and learned to communicate effectively with doctors, nurses, PAs, and other hospital staff. I have learned all I could about patients’ conditions, associated procedures and medications. Above all, I have sought to improve the lives and situations of the patients for whom I have a responsibility. My entire life has led to this point. Seeing my father suffer, being a patient myself, successfully learning and teaching, and now working in health care full-time have all prepared and motivated me to become a PA. Becoming a physician assistant will enable me to use my diverse experience and abilities to serve others in a meaningful way for the rest of my life.

[JSadley]

I like it. Seems that you do have a lot of life experience and have a dedication to healthcare. Not many people can say they've crashed a plan. Glad you can!

[Jdnelson1]

Thank you - it has been an interesting "ride". I'd love to hear from some other reviewers…

[EMEDPA]

I don't like the start of this sentence:

"As an assistant" .

maybe change that to "while working as a nursing assistant I devoted myself....".

I like it overall. you have passion and the life experiences to back up your statements. best of luck.

[Sang018]

I would change the first sentence. I sounds too cliche Try and think of something that really grabs the reader.

[Jdnelson1]

Different opening? I'm surprised. I thought the juxtaposition between what "you might expect" and "but in my life I found..." was, in fact,not cliche. I'll play with that, though.

[SarahChil]

I like the beginning!

[TarheelGirlx3]

I sort of agree with the comments about the opening. I get the idea and what you are trying to do with it, but I think it could be a little bit more "captivating." Maybe describe a story or something? But overall, it's strong!