Personal Statement draft #2, Any and All Feedback Welcome!

[bmcginn]

Any critique welcome and appreciated, thank you for your time!

Word count: 4,409

Ga-ga is an Israeli variant of dodgeball in which you are enclosed in an octagonal pit with the goal of hitting your opponent below the knee with a ball while trying to remain untouched yourself. The first time I played this game I was not in Israel, but at a Christian camp in Michigan and landed myself in the emergency room with a broken nose and slight concussion. I found it ironic at that point, that after being a competitive athlete for ten years in a sport that crumbles if one member of the team cannot participate to their full potential, I had sustained my greatest injury after just one round of an individualistic game. My ten years spent on that team had taught me to calculate my actions based on the well being of the entire team, not just of myself. We grew together as a family and functioned similarly to a beating heart; my coach being the SA node that always kept us in pace with each other. Playing ga-ga reminded me that I thrive in the setting of a team that relies on each other.

 

It was by chance that my doctor that day would actually be a physician assistant (PA) and change my perspective on that profession and ultimately my future. Up until that point I had no doubt I wanted to follow my fathers’ footsteps and become a doctor; but up until that point I also had no idea physician assistants functioned in alignment with them. The occupation they carry out reminded me fondly of the team I used to be a part of and made me want to become part of the physician assistant practice.

 

As I sat on the hospital bed with my college minister, we talked about the highs and lows of my past year of college and how they had impacted the way I feel about my future. Between boiling points in my mother’s long-term battle with alcoholism, my best friend’s attempted suicide, and being sexually assaulted I was entirely overwhelmed and it was difficult to keep my focus on school and off the feeling that my life was unmanageable. Although only a few of my classes had faltering grades, I know that I could have done better if the circumstances were different.

 

Through that year and a half I longed for answers to questions that haunted me and I felt incredibly alone, as I’m sure many patients that face difficult diagnoses do. The opportunity to relate to a patient and support them through what they are experiencing inspires me and sparked the still-blazing desire to become a physician assistant. Sophomore and junior year were incredibly trying for me in my personal life but I came to the conclusion that the events that took place, along with key shadowing experiences, drove me toward my passion to become a physician assistant.

 

While shadowing in the ER as an EMT-B, a plane crash survivor was rushed in with broken ribs, legs, and severe lacerations to his head. In a small town like Bloomington, IN cases such as these are rare and the frenzy in his room was palpable. I was instructed to sit with the patient while professionals tended to his injuries. For hours, I sat, watched procedures, and talked to the patient while healthcare providers rushed in and out, paying attention to only the medical problem and not the distressed man that lied before them. When his family finally arrived they were hysterical and often brushed aside by the nurses and doctors in order for them to better focus on the patient. I understand the urgency of treating a patient in such critical conditions yet I couldn’t rationalize why the emotional state of the patient and his family were compromised. As a PA, I would be there for my patients in a medical and emotional stance.

 

Although my amount of clinical experience is not as extensive as I would like it to be, I believe it is my personal experiences that have equipped me with the spirit, drive, and passion needed to be successful as a physician assistant. It may be argued that intellect is the most important qualification of a PA, but I believe intellect can be learned. The most important thing, to me, is a heart of service toward your patients. Being able to relate to your patients and be in stride with their journey is something I believe to be crucial in this profession. My experiences and ability to overcome trials I have faced has given me a strength and passion that is married with my love for medicine and I believe it is the perfect combination to become a successful physician assistant.

[ACLTX]

Hey I really liked your PS! Isn't it too long though?

[marktheshark89]

Some thoughts:

1. The SA node line sounds super cheesy to me.

2. In the 2nd paragraph first sentence, change "doctor" to provider. You don't want to confuse an admissions committee into thinking that you think a doctor and PA are the same thing.

3. In the third paragraph last sentence, rather than highlighting your poor grades in a few classes, why not make it a positive and mention that you were still able to persevere and mostly succeed despite the difficult circumstances that you were dealt.

4. I think you need to write more specifically about why you want to be a PA - from your personal statement I take away that you want to be a PA because you like the team aspect (don't forget - every member is a part of the team, so IMO that isn't sufficient reason enough to warrant entry into any profession), and that you want to be there for patients both medically and emotionally (doesn't any provider?).

5. In the last paragraph I wouldn't highlight that your clinical experience isn't what you would want it to be - instead I would either a) get more experience, or b) say something positive about your experience that may make up for the fact that its not as extensive as others will be (such as what you took away or learned from it)

6. The intellect sentence seems out of place and unnecessary.

 

Overall, I think this PS has great potential, and for a second draft I think its really good! Most of the things I mentioned (with the exception of saying more about why specifically you want to be a PA) are minor. Just be careful about how you word things (2, 3, and 5 above)!

[Andreasmo]

I agree with what Mark says, with a few additional comments. No 1- definitely get rid of the SA node comment. You spend two paragraphs (=LOTS of valuable space) on how difficult the two years were for you. While I do think it is important to mention why your grades were not as high as you would like them to be or another reason why you want to be a PA, you need to keep the focus on how the experience BETTERED you instead of how difficult it was. I guess it is also important for you to keep a few things in mind-- everyone can relate to patients in some way, shape, or form. I also think you need to get much more specific and prepare for "why do you want to become a PA??" You have definitely answered why you would want to become a healthcare provider and work on a team.. but you could stay an emt and be on the team. I think it is really important for you to read through your statement and pick out anything that could present you in a negative light and change it to something positive that relates to your specific want to become a PA. I also learned a while ago that you should never have things like "I believe" "to me" "in my opinion" in personal essays because we already know that those are your thoughts and it tends to draw away from what you are actually saying. You have not said anything about medicine, especially your love for medicine, until the very end of the paper-- it would be good to say something about the actual learning/ medicine before this point. Last comment, I agree with Mark about the intellect comment. You will instantly lose anyone on the board that thinks intellect is VERY important, and I can bet that is a lot of people. There is a balance in medicine, especially in becoming a PA. Balance between what you can learn and your instincts, between intellect and patient care, between being autonomous and being a team member.

 

I hope this is helpful. It is definitely not intended to tear down your essay, but rather make it unique and give you the best opportunity to get into this profession! Good luck :)

[beattie228]

Here are my thoughts on your narrative:

 

I'm curious why you chose to introduce yourself to the admissions committee discussing an Israeli game you played at a Christian camp. I kept waiting to read about some missionary work you did in Israel, but that doesn't seem to be the case. In my opinion, your strongest statements come from your second to last paragraph beginning with "While shadowing in the ER..." I'd recommend you omit the first paragraph entirely and begin your narrative with the second to last paragraph. With the extra room you'll gain from deleting your first paragraph, you can really dive into what some of the others have mentioned about not explicitly stating what your motivations are to become a PA. A good rule of thumb is to reread every statement made in your essay and ask yourself "Could this be used in an essay on why I want to become an EMT?" If so, reword it slightly so that it clearly answers the question of why you want to become a PA.

 

I'd also recommend you use the abbreviation PA after you defined it in your second paragraph. Not only does this free up more characters for you, but it also makes the narrative flow more easily. Your target audience is an admissions committee swamped with many essays, so the better your narrative flows the more likely the reader is to finish your essay. If your reader finishes your essay, you're more likely to land an interview... As mentioned previously, definitely change the word doctor to something else in your paragraph that begins with "It was by chance...". Physicians and PAs are two distinct professions, and you are committing a fatal flaw by blurring the lines between the two. Additionally, I'd reword your portion about the occupation they carry out. By definition, the PA field is an occupation, but it makes a PA sound cold and lacking human touch when worded as occupation.

 

"Between boiling points in my mother's long-term battle with alcoholism, my best friend's attempted suicide, and being sexually assaulted I was entirely overwhelmed and it was difficult to keep my focus on school and off the feeling that my life was unmanageable"

This statement is very profound and obviously took a lot of courage to discuss this with people you've never met. With that being said, I'm not sure it flows in a narrative meant to help you persuade an admissions committee to extend you an interview offer. The narrative is very much like a trailer for a movie in that you're writing a piece that touches on various aspects of your life in hopes that you can make the admissions committee interested in your story and want to meet you similar to enticing someone to pay money to watch a movie after seeing 90 seconds of it. Your hard numbers (GPA, GRE, HCE hours) are pretty much cut and dry. I've done X, Y and Z for so many hours. Your narrative allows you to put a human spin on your application. If keeping your emotionally charged statement in your narrative is important for you (after all this is your narrative and not mine), I would spend some time elaborating on how these things helped to create an empathetic and compassionate person and spell out how this will transition into making you prepared for the rigors of becoming a healthcare professional.

 

After making a few alterations, I think you'll be on your way to having a solid narrative ready to submit. Best of luck to you!

[GMarie]

I think the previous posters have all made excellent points. I also wanted to add that you may want to be careful in your 5th paragraph when referring to the doctors and nurses only paying attention to the injured man's medical problems and "brushing aside" his family members. While that may have happened, you don't want to cast other professions in a negative light, and the way it is worded, it sounds like you are saying doctors and nurses don't care about their patients' emotional well-being. I think you should definitely still mention that as an example, but maybe leave out the comparison. Just my opinion! Good luck!

[bmcginn]

Thanks all to the replies, the concerns highlighted were exactly what I was curious about changing and I am currently working on another rendition of my PS.