ROUGH PS, please critique!

[dottie7]

I just finished this as a first draft, solely to get my thoughts down on paper and get a start at the least.  I know it will probably be 100% re-written..... this is my first time writing one and I want it torn apart, so let me know whatever needs to be fixed!

Personal Statement Draft 1 (Autosaved).docx

[Sb123]

You talk about all the things you did but no specific experiences that screams out why it would make you a good PA. 

[Patricia5827]

I like your opening essay, its intriguing. I would use a different word however than "unquenchable", its a little too much.

As for the second essay, you need to cut to the chase. The whole "I was homesick, i struggled" I would shorten and focus more on how you had bad grades then overcame them.

For the third paragraph, delete the whole first half. You are listing your resume and admissions dont want to 1). read a list and 2). reread your resume. Focus on shadowing

Also , as the person above me said, no where do you state why you would be a good pa. I would use your emt to its advantage here and state what you learned there that you can apply to pa school. thats what i did!

[Guest PAhopeful85]

First paragraph and the last paragraph are good. The third paragraph especially is boring and just you listing things like a resume. You should tie in the story you tell in the first paragraph into the end. Maybe you changing roles and being the one to save a little girl someday like you were:  “Maybe one day I’ll enter that exam room and there she will be. A ten year old with green eyes and wavy brown hair. Scared, quiet, surrounded by her parents that love her more than the whole wide world. Maybe I’ll get the chance to comfort her. Or maybe I’ll be the one to change her life. Because sitting in that exam room is me. “ 

Just an example. I  think your essay has the right bones just needs more emotion. Why do you want to be a PA? 

[dottie7]

After speaking to a couple of PA's that I know, I decided to completely take a different approach to my personal statement in my second draft, instead of making it resume-like.  I am trying to get more personal, and let them really see who I am.  I will attach that version as well if anyone can let me know what they think about it! @PAhopeful85 @Patricia5827

Personal Statement .docx

[rfo1234]

I think that the introduction (first few sentences) in your first personal statement was much better compared to what you wrote in the second version.

I didn't understand the connection with the fisherman and the point you were trying to make. Be careful to not sound judgmental and derogatory when talking about the people in your community. It comes off as though your critiquing their way of life and way of thinking. It's better to mention that you would like to see yourself practicing as a PA in that community in order to educate them and provide quality healthcare vs saying you want to change tradition etc. You wont change anyones tradition or mindset as a PA. All you can do is guide them towards having a healthier lifestyle. Be careful with word choices, you don't know who will be reading your statement and if they have been a fisherman at one point, they can take it personally and feel offended. Also, the word "catalyst" is unnecessary and dramatic. 

The second paragraph has far too many things going on and topics that are completely disconnected. The first sentence in your second paragraph is a run on and the punctuation is also incorrect. Read it out loud and see if it makes sense. It currently states that your grandfather is a physician that inspired you to pursue medicine after a rare kidney diagnosis and multiple surgeries at the age of 10. Is it your grandfather that had the disease or you? Use straightforward and shorter sentences. Something like " I  was introduced to the medical field through my grandfather, a family care physician".

However, there is a disconnect when you talk about your grandfather and then go on to talk about your? disease. Either take out your grandfather entirely or find a way to connect the two thoughts. You use the word "grew" twice in a row. Use a different word. Eliminate you getting homesick entirely. It doesn't add anything to the paragraph, if anything its distracting. The second paragraph has far too many topics 1. grandfather 2. your disease 3. entering college & feeling homesick 4. changing major. You mention "life-experiences" at the end of the paragraph. To be honest, talk about those experiences. Don't leave admissions officers guessing. 

Third paragraph: Don't list what you have done. Your better off choosing ONE experience and talking about it. What have you learned? How was that experience led you into wanting to become a PA? Why is it important? Also, don't talk about what the PA you shadowed did, the admissions comm. know what PA's do. Rather, talk about one thing you saw specifically and how it impacted you. What did you see when you shadowed? Was there a patient in particular? You need to address all of these questions in a concise story. Like I said previously, choose one thing to talk about and go in depth. Don't leave anything hanging. 

Lastly, this is a HUGE run on with many problems: " The abilities to adapt to situations that change in the blink of an eye..." You list the abilities you have at the end, however, not once in your statement do you actually talk about your abilities. Also, working 16+ hours is not impressive. Admissions comm. are not seeking applicants that can work long hours. There are many 24 hour health care jobs and on call and it's assumed that you should be able to handle long working days. Your last paragraph is very negative and leaves a bad impression. As previously mentioned, don't judge or degrade anyone. You state, "these people" ! Who are those people? Your using your last paragraph to advocate for your community but it's not how you want to end your statement. You want to be clear and transparent and end on a positive and strong note. 

Just my two cents ! Sorry if it was harsh criticism! Just remember: Why do you want to be a PA ? Pick at MOST 2 stories that you led you to this decision and why not any other profession? What was the turning point in your life that helped you decide? Why should they choose you over anyone and why would be a great PA? 

Best! 

 

 

[dottie7]

14 hours ago, rfo1234 said:

I think that the introduction (first few sentences) in your first personal statement was much better compared to what you wrote in the second version.

I didn't understand the connection with the fisherman and the point you were trying to make. Be careful to not sound judgmental and derogatory when talking about the people in your community. It comes off as though your critiquing their way of life and way of thinking. It's better to mention that you would like to see yourself practicing as a PA in that community in order to educate them and provide quality healthcare vs saying you want to change tradition etc. You wont change anyones tradition or mindset as a PA. All you can do is guide them towards having a healthier lifestyle. Be careful with word choices, you don't know who will be reading your statement and if they have been a fisherman at one point, they can take it personally and feel offended. Also, the word "catalyst" is unnecessary and dramatic. 

The second paragraph has far too many things going on and topics that are completely disconnected. The first sentence in your second paragraph is a run on and the punctuation is also incorrect. Read it out loud and see if it makes sense. It currently states that your grandfather is a physician that inspired you to pursue medicine after a rare kidney diagnosis and multiple surgeries at the age of 10. Is it your grandfather that had the disease or you? Use straightforward and shorter sentences. Something like " I  was introduced to the medical field through my grandfather, a family care physician".

However, there is a disconnect when you talk about your grandfather and then go on to talk about your? disease. Either take out your grandfather entirely or find a way to connect the two thoughts. You use the word "grew" twice in a row. Use a different word. Eliminate you getting homesick entirely. It doesn't add anything to the paragraph, if anything its distracting. The second paragraph has far too many topics 1. grandfather 2. your disease 3. entering college & feeling homesick 4. changing major. You mention "life-experiences" at the end of the paragraph. To be honest, talk about those experiences. Don't leave admissions officers guessing. 

Third paragraph: Don't list what you have done. Your better off choosing ONE experience and talking about it. What have you learned? How was that experience led you into wanting to become a PA? Why is it important? Also, don't talk about what the PA you shadowed did, the admissions comm. know what PA's do. Rather, talk about one thing you saw specifically and how it impacted you. What did you see when you shadowed? Was there a patient in particular? You need to address all of these questions in a concise story. Like I said previously, choose one thing to talk about and go in depth. Don't leave anything hanging. 

Lastly, this is a HUGE run on with many problems: " The abilities to adapt to situations that change in the blink of an eye..." You list the abilities you have at the end, however, not once in your statement do you actually talk about your abilities. Also, working 16+ hours is not impressive. Admissions comm. are not seeking applicants that can work long hours. There are many 24 hour health care jobs and on call and it's assumed that you should be able to handle long working days. Your last paragraph is very negative and leaves a bad impression. As previously mentioned, don't judge or degrade anyone. You state, "these people" ! Who are those people? Your using your last paragraph to advocate for your community but it's not how you want to end your statement. You want to be clear and transparent and end on a positive and strong note. 

Just my two cents ! Sorry if it was harsh criticism! Just remember: Why do you want to be a PA ? Pick at MOST 2 stories that you led you to this decision and why not any other profession? What was the turning point in your life that helped you decide? Why should they choose you over anyone and why would be a great PA? 

Best! 

 

 

Thank you very much for all your input! Harsh is good, it means you care! A little note though: I am not being derogatory at all, as I have been on the boat my entire life and working with my family in our commercial fishing business since I was 10 years old. I can promise you I won’t be offending any of my co-workers, as they could care less and would say “f*#k you” before they’d shake your hand, just because they can lol. Anyway, I appreciate your comments!

[hmtpnw]

59 minutes ago, dottie7 said:

Thank you very much for all your input! Harsh is good, it means you care! A little note though: I am not being derogatory at all, as I have been on the boat my entire life and working with my family in our commercial fishing business since I was 10 years old. I can promise you I won’t be offending any of my co-workers, as they could care less and would say “f*#k you” before they’d shake your hand, just because they can lol. Anyway, I appreciate your comments!

You have to remember that it is the reader's point of view that matters here. It is clear that you know you aren't being derogatory, but if it comes across that way in your writing you won't be there to tell adcoms, "Hey, don't worry, my co-workers don't mind."

You don't get to answer any additional questions when adcoms read your essay. They will take it at face value when trying to determine whether or not to invite you to interview at their program.

[dottie7]

53 minutes ago, hmtpnw said:

You have to remember that it is the reader's point of view that matters here. It is clear that you know you aren't being derogatory, but if it comes across that way in your writing you won't be there to tell adcoms, "Hey, don't worry, my co-workers don't mind."

You don't get to answer any additional questions when adcoms read your essay. They will take it at face value when trying to determine whether or not to invite you to interview at their program.

Totally understand! Thanks for the input.