Personal Statement HELP! Please!!!

[BDOR43]

I researched and researched online and every thing I read said to try and make myself shine as much as possible in my personal statement. "Try to be authentic and be yourself" I felt like I did just that and a proof reader told me my essay was immature and if I submit it I wont get into PA school. I wanted to ask anyone kind enough to read my personal statement their opinions please!!

 

I am the child in my household that is responsible for all of my parents’ grey hairs.  My mother constantly told me, “Bradley, do not touch the stove. It is hot!” What did I do? I touched it and then ran to the bathroom to douse my pulsating, burned hand in cold water from the faucet. Luckily, curiosity never killed this cat. Eventually, I matured out of the frequent hospital trips and turned my curiosity to something else.  I became a male cheerleader in high school because I loved doing flips and cheering athletes on to win the game.  The bullying I received from my classmates for being a male cheerleader encouraged me to explore my identity.  First, I went to an out of state college where I could reshape the identity that my high school world had given me.  Then, I studied abroad where I was entrenched in a culture that labeled me as an outsider and thus always treated me differently. First my curiosity turned inwards towards myself and I constantly thought, “Who am I?” I then it turned to the world and instead asked “What is this world?” My roundabout journey to becoming a patient care associate prepared me to immerse myself in a new, unknown environment and quickly adjust, but still remain true to myself.

            I entered Lorraine’s room early in the morning at the start of my shift. She was still sleeping while I wrote my name and work phone number on her white board. I could not help but notice the abundance of “Get Well Soon” cards and a very colorful piece of construction paper taped to her linen closet. I cheerfully greeted Lorraine with a “Good morning!” and asked her if she had a great night.  She half-smiled back and told me that it had been one of the worst nights of her life. I enticed her with some delicious pancakes for breakfast and asked her if there was a way I could make her day better.  She touched her grey fluff of hair on her head and asked if I could “really” shampoo it since she cannot take a shower and the shampoo shower caps just do not do it justice.  “Of course!” I replied.

After getting vitals and breakfast orders, I began to clean her up and then moved on to her hair using a shampoo board and lavender scented shampoo and conditioner.  Lorraine gave me a huge smile once I started to lather the shampoo into her hair. Then I asked, “Who made you that colorful piece of artwork hanging up on the cabinet?” She replied, “My grand kid made it for me! He is just so wonderful! He made one for his mommy and me for Mother’s Day!” While I listened, I shifted her grey curly locks into the center of her head and said, “Now imagine if your grandson saw you with this mohawk I just made in your hair!” She laughed and thought the mohawk was hysterical. Afterwards I applied the conditioner and told her she will smell like lavender for the next couple of days.

            Later in the day, she called me to help her onto the bedpan. I walked in the room and saw that she was resting in the armchair after working with physical therapy. I said, “Mrs. Lorraine I cannot get the bed pan underneath you unless you are in the bed. Do you want to try to make it to the commode?” She instantly replied back, “NO! I just need the bedpan. I am too scared to walk! I’m not walking to the commode and then have to walk again to get back to bed!” I reassured her and told her I would call the nurse in to help provide an extra hand.  I scooted the armchair close to the bed and said, “I moved the chair closer to the bed that way it won’t be so scary and you only have to take a few steps.” She stood up and then immediately closed her eyes and whispered, “I can’t do this. I can’t do this. I can’t do this!” I was right beside her holding the gait belt and offering encouragement, “Lorraine, you can do this! You made it to the chair, you can make it to the bed. I will make sure you will not fall. You need to be able to walk to get better and go home to see your grandson.” Through sweat, self-denial, and a few tears she made it back to the bed to use the bed pan. I was ecstatic and told her “Great job!”

A few days later when Lorraine was being discharged I told her, “Listen here. I do not want to see you back in here again. It would be awesome to see you out and about, but not back in the hospital!” When I walked into Lorraine’s room that morning I became a part of her world. I had the privilege to serve as her personal cheerleader to help her overcome the worst day of her life. The small amount of curiosity I showed about the colorful card hanging up allowed me to make a connection with Lorraine. That little moment of curiosity snowballed to help encourage her to fight all her doubts to get back home so she could be with her grandson. My patients encourage me to hang on to that curious little boy that was burned, that adventurous teenager pursuing an education at an out of state college, and that adaptable college student faced with such a drastic culture change during a semester abroad. It is a unique privilege to be a part of a patient’s world and what they do not know is that they in turn become a part of my world.

[Endeavor]

This is a unique essay but I feel like it answers a question you might receive at an interview such as "explain a significant interaction you've had with a patient". In other words, your statement does NOT answer why you want to be a PA. So the question is: why do you want to be a PA? What interests you about the profession? Talk about why you're motivated to pursue this career. Talk about what makes you a good unique candidate and what you've done to prepare for the PA profession. You don't have to be clichè, your first paragraph is good, but relate that to how those experiences further embedded your desire to become a PA.

 

[BDOR43]

Thank you so very much!! I appreciate the feedback!

[paproof]

You spend A LOT of time talking about your experience with Lorraine, but OneDayPA-C is right, you don't go into a lot of detail about why you've chosen to become a PA.  The purpose of this essay is to explain to the reader those reasons why you've set your sights on this profession specifically!