Extremely Rough Draft

[jminguez]

i really need some help with my personal statement. ive been writing small sections and just now put them all together so i know it probably doesnt flow well. i was hoping to get some feed back on the topics that im addressing. all feedback is welcomed and greatly appreciated.

 

Personal Statement:

 

The sun had been shining down on us for countless hours. Sweat pouring down our faces as we mixed cement and sawed pieces of wood. Tired and hungry our energy began to fade and we longed for a break but I knew he’d be home soon. He came riding his bike up the hill and past the gate with a backpack full of mangos for the whole team. I didn’t need a break anymore, I didn’t care about the sun or the hunger anymore. My whole reason for being here was smiling back at me ear to ear. Augustine is an eleven year old boy and everyday he would come to keep us company as we built a compost latrine for his new home. He made all the hard work and struggle worth every moment with laughter and smiles. We were there to help him but he has helped me more than I could have ever imagined.

 

In high school I developed a great interest in the sciences. In my senior year I took an advanced placement psychology course which lead me to a major in psychology in college. I have always been interested in people and understanding their needs. In my sophomore year I began working at a pharmacy as a technician. I was inspired to learn more about the science aspect of health care and declared a minor in biology. I knew that I needed to find a way to combine my love for science with my passion for people. I have learned a great deal from working in the pharmacy. I began to recognize that patients are individuals and each one needs the appropriate attention. Not only did I learn how to care for patients but I worked with amazing pharmacists that allowed me to take responsibility for the patients and prescriptions as well as work in a team setting. From the moment a patient dropped off a prescription until they paid at the register, they were my patient and I needed to make sure they received the proper treatment. This was only made possible through the care and supervision of a pharmacist. Together we provided the health care needed by each individual patient.

 

For much of my time in Stony Brook University I was under the impression that I would continue on to pharmacy school but I always felt as though something was not right. I was not highly motivated to do well to become a pharmacist. It was not until my seven day trip to Panama with Public Health Brigades that I realized what I was missing. In Panama I worked in a team to build a compost latrine to improve the life of a family in need, Augustine’s family. It was here that I realized what I was missing. In the pharmacy there are many times where we never come into contact with the person in need. Pharmacy contained my love for science but not my passion for people. I was in search of a path that would allow me to take care of someone in need through a health care profession. I desired a career that would allow me to work in a team to provide the best patient care as well as allow me to take on a leadership role when needed. Becoming a physician’s assistant encompasses everything I had desired.

 

Coming from an immigrant family I was very unaware of opportunities and experiences that I should have been taking advantage of. I was just going through the motions of college without really knowing what I was doing. My only goal was to be able to support my family so that they would no longer have to worry. It wasn’t until I put myself out there that I realized how much more of an impact I could make.

 

I have realized through these experiences that I am more than capable and passionate to be a physician’s assistant. I was able to take a leadership role in my group because I was the main translator but I also took direction from technicians and worked within the team to complete the project. Being a physician’s assistant would allow me to take a lead role in a patient’s health and also work in a team with other specialists to assure the best quality of care.

I have always had a strong desire to help people, strongly rooted in my family values. My parents came to this country and have worked hard all their lives to provide the most for my brother and me. They have taught me that with hard work and diligence you can succeed even at the hardest of times to take care of the people you love. My trip to Panama has caused me to mature and grow immensely. I now have a greater appreciation for what my parents have taught me and will make certain to use every tool at my availability to make them proud.

 

My trip to Panama has truly caused me to grow and mature and has given me a great deal of motivation to not only succeed but to excel in a PA program.

[jminguez]

 .

[PASASM92]

First one... I continued to read it. It flows well.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[jminguez]

First one... I continued to read it. It flows well.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

Thanks for your input

[jminguez]

any one have any critics of the first essay i posted here??

[Topsy]

The sun had been shining down on us for countless hours. Sweat pouring down our faces as we mixed cement and sawed pieces of wood. Tired and hungry, our energy began to fade; and we longed for a break but I knew he’d be home soon. He came riding his bike  on his bicycle, riding up the hill and past the gate with a backpack full of mangos for the whole team. I didn’t need a break anymore, I didn’t care about the sun or the hunger anymore (remove contractions) No longer did I need a break from the unrelenting sun or the countless hours of back-breaking work - Augustine, who turned out to be my whole reason for being here in Panama with the Public Health Brigades, was smiling back at me. This eleven-year-old boy would ride his bicycle uphill everyday just to keep us company as we built a compost latrine for his new home. My whole reason for being here was smiling back at me ear to ear. Augustine is an eleven year old boy and everyday he would come to keep us company as we built a compost latrine for his new home. He made all the hard work and struggle worth every moment with laughter and smiles. We were I was there to help him, but he has helped me more than I could have ever imagined (nice intro!).

 

In high school I developed a great interest in the sciences (Whoa! That jumped out of nowhere. Needs a transition. "From the moment I first saw Augustine's bright eyes and cheerful disposition, I realized that my professional aspirations were...). For much of my time in Stony Brook University, I was under the impression that I would continue on to pharmacy school because it fully encompassed my passion for science. Since high school, I have always been interested in people and understanding their needs; I began working as a pharmacy technician to...... In my sophomore year I began working at a pharmacy as a technician. I was inspired to learn more about the science aspect of health care and declared a minor in biology. I knew that I needed to find a way to combine my love for science with my passion for people. I have learned a great deal from working in the pharmacy. I began to recognize that patients are individuals and each one needs the appropriate attention. Not only did I learn how to care for patients but I worked with amazing pharmacists that who allowed me to work with the team, and take responsibility for the patients and prescriptions as well as work in a team setting. From the moment a patient dropped off a prescription until they paid at the register, they (inconsistent; change both to singular or both to plural) were my patient and I needed to make sure they received the proper treatment. This was only made possible through the care and supervision of a pharmacist. Together we provided the health care needed by each individual patient.

 

But despite my enthusiasm for pharmacy, I always felt as though something was not right missing. I was not highly motivated to do well to become a pharmacist. It was not until my seven day trip to Panama with Public Health Brigades that I realized what I was missing: pharmacy contained my love for science but not my passion for people. (great sentence!) In Panama I worked in a team to build a compost latrine to improve the life of a family in need, Augustine’s family. It was here that I realized what I was missing. In the pharmacy there are many times where we never come into contact with the person in need. . I was in search of a path that would allow me to take care of someone in need through a health care profession. I desired a career that would allow me to work in a team to provide the best patient care as well as allow me to take on a leadership role when needed. Becoming a physician’s assistant encompasses everything I had desired. 

 

Coming from an immigrant family I was very unaware of opportunities and experiences that I should have been taking advantage of. I was just going through the motions of college without really knowing what I was doing. My only goal was to be able to support my family so that they would no longer have to worry. It wasn’t until I put myself out there that I realized how much more of an impact I could make.

I have realized through these experiences that I am more than capable and passionate to be a physician’s assistant. I was able to take a leadership role in my group because I was the main translator but I also took direction from technicians and worked within the team to complete the project. Being a physician’s assistant would allow me to take a lead role in a patient’s health and also work in a team with other specialists to assure the best quality of care.

I have always had a strong desire to help people, strongly rooted in my family values. My parents came to this country and have worked hard all their lives to provide the most for my brother and me. They have taught me that with hard work and diligence you can succeed even at the hardest of times to take care of the people you love. My trip to Panama has caused me to mature and grow immensely. I now have a greater appreciation for what my parents have taught me and will make certain to use every tool at my availability to make them proud.  (these parts are nice and all, but doesn't seem necessary. It doesn't add to the PS. take this part to say why you are qualified to get into a PA program: direct patience care experience, shadowing...take the time to develop this part so that the reader doesn't think, oh, jminguez just flaked out on pharmacy, so he spun a wheel and came to PA. Make it personal why PA is significant to you; don't just reiterate the basics of PA - flexibility, balance, etc.)

My trip to Panama has truly caused me to grow and mature and has given me a great deal of motivation to not only succeed but to excel in a PA program.

 

Good start, but needs work. Watch your punctuation; there were a lot of commas missing. Take the time to make it personal. The beginning was stellar, but the middle/end were flat. It left me feeling unconvinced.

[jminguez]

Topsy you are amazing!!! Thank you so much for taking the time out to edit my PS. I have been editting it and trying to work on my ending as you stated. This is what I have so far but I think it could still use some tweeking. I'm working on it though. Thank you again!!

 

 

The sun had been shining down on us for countless hours. Sweat pouring down our faces as we mixed cement and sawed pieces of wood. Tired and hungry, our energy began to fade; we longed for a break but I knew he’d be home soon. He came on his bicycle, riding up the hill and past the gate with a backpack full of mangos for the whole team. No longer did I need a break from the unrelenting sun or the countless hours of back-breaking work – Augustine, who turned out to be my whole reason for being here in Panama with Public Health Brigade, was smiling back at me. This eleven-year-old boy would ride his bicycle uphill everyday just to keep us company as we built a compost latrine for his new home. He made all the hard work and struggle worth every moment with laughter and smiles. I was there to help him but he has helped me more than I could have ever imagined.

 

For much of my time in Stony Brook University, I was under the impression that I would continue on to pharmacy school. I had been working as a pharmacy technician to better understand the health care field and thought I would just continue in pharmacy. I have learned a great deal from working in the pharmacy such as caring for patients and working with a team.

 

Although I had been working at the pharmacy for years, I always felt as though something was missing. I was not highly motivated to do well to become a pharmacist. It was not until my seven day trip to Panama with Public Health Brigades and my time with Augustine that I realized what I was missing: pharmacy contained my love for science but not my passion for people. I was in search of a path that would allow me to take care of someone in need through a health care profession. I desired a career that would allow me to work in a team to provide the best patient care. Becoming a physician assistant encompasses everything I had desired.

 

I immediately began volunteering at North Shore LIJ Hospital to gain that personal connection that I had been longing for. After just one day of shadowing a PA, it was clear to me that this is where I belonged. On my first day of shadowing, the PA administered a stress test to a patient who had been a heavy smoker for over twenty years. She was required to walk on a treadmill and after a few minutes she began to struggle. The PA immediately jumped on the back of the treadmill to support her with words of encouragement and promising he would not let her fall. At the end of the test she claimed “I couldn’t do it without you”. This is exactly what has motivated me to pursue the PA profession. I made a strong, personal connection with Augustine in Panama that encouraged me and allowed me to do things I never would have thought I was capable of. Being a PA will give me this same interpersonal connection with patients inspiring me to go above and beyond to help them.

 

My trip to Panama has truly caused me to grow and mature and has given me a great deal of motivation to not only succeed but to excel in a PA program.

[Topsy]

The sun had been shining down on us for countless hours. Sweat pouring down our faces as we mixed cement and sawed pieces of wood. Tired and hungry, our energy began to fade; we longed for a break but I knew he’d be home soon. He came on his bicycle, riding up the hill and past the gate with a backpack full of mangos for the whole team. No longer did I need a break from the unrelenting sun or the countless hours of back-breaking work – Augustine, who turned out to be my whole reason for being here in Panama with Public Health Brigade, was smiling back at me. This eleven-year-old boy would ride his bicycle uphill everyday just to keep us company as we built a compost latrine for his new home. He made all the hard work and struggle worth every moment with laughter and smiles. I was there to help him but he has helped me more than I could have ever imagined.

 

For much of my time in Stony Brook University, I was under the impression that I would continue on to pharmacy school. I had been working as a pharmacy technician to better understand (don't split infinitives) to gain a better understanding of the health care field and thought I would just continue in pharmacy. I have learned a great deal from working in the pharmacy such as caring for patients and working with a team.

 

Although I had been working at the pharmacy for years, I always felt as though something was missing. I was not highly motivated to do well to become a pharmacist, and it was not until my seven day trip to Panama with Public Health Brigades and my time with Augustine that I realized what I was missing: pharmacy contained my love for science but not my passion for people. I was in search of a path that would allow me to take care of someone in need through a health care profession. I desired a career that would allow me to work in a team to provide the best patient care. Becoming a physician assistant encompasses everything I had desired.

 

I immediately began volunteering at North Shore LIJ Hospital to gain that personal connection that I had been longing for (ending with a preposition... might want to change). After just one day of shadowing a PA, it was clear to me that this is where I belong (present tense). On my first day of shadowing, the PA administered a stress test to a patient who had been a heavy smoker for over twenty years. She was required to walk on a treadmill and after a few minutes she began to struggle. The PA immediately jumped on the back of the treadmill to support her with words of encouragement, promising that he would not let her fall. At the end of the test she claimed, “I couldn’t do it without you (period befor end quote, not after).” This is exactly what has motivated me to pursue the PA profession. I made a strong, personal connection with Augustine in Panama (you don't have to keep on repeating Panama and the PHB: we already know who Augustine is) that encouraged me and allowed me to do things I never would have thought I was capable of (I would consider rewriting this sentences. I may be old-fashioned, but back in my day it was inproper to end sentences with a preposition). Being a PA will give me this same interpersonal connection with patients inspiring me to go above and beyond to help them.

 

My trip to Panama has truly caused me to grow and mature and has given me a great deal of motivation to not only succeed but to excel in a PA program.

 

[jminguez]

Thank you so much!! Besides the grammar things that I need to fix, do you think the topic of the PS is good overall?

[DStillwagon]

In the second line, you should change pouring to poured. The way it is currently written is not a correct sentence.

[Topsy]

Thank you so much!! Besides the grammar things that I need to fix, do you think the topic of the PS is good overall?

 

Perhaps I am being overly critical, but it still feels like it's missing something... I can't quite put my finger on it. It's like 1/2 way there? The anecdotes are fine, but I still don't get a clear picture who you are. I see that you're altruistic as a volunteer, and a people person because of your preference for the patient-care side of medicine... but it kind of falls flat. It doesn't quite give me that feeling of, YES, I want to meet that guy!

 

I dunno. Have friends and family read it. See what they say.

[UGoLong]

I like the picture you paint in the first paragraph, but I second Topsy's comment: I still don't know who you are. 

 

You kind of rush past being an immigrant which might be a mistake. Your background is way different than most applicants and should give you a different take on things. You might see if you can work some of that in.

 

My guess is that the trip to Panama was not the biggest influence in wanting to become a PA or in your understanding of what a PA actually does. Make sure you aren't forgetting something crucial to who you are.

 

The goal of an essay is to make them want to meet you and learn more. That's pretty much it. It's your only chance to show that you are something more than your grades, tests, and letters of recommendation.

 

In the end, an essay is a personal statement and you are the final judge.

 

Good luck!

[jminguez]

I took what you said into consideration and added a paragraph about my family and being from and immigrant background and how it has affected me

 

 

The sun had been shining down on us for countless hours. Sweat pouring down our faces as we mixed cement and sawed pieces of wood. Tired and hungry, our energy began to fade; we longed for a break but I knew he’d be home soon. He came on his bicycle, riding up the hill and past the gate with a backpack full of mangos for the whole team. No longer did I need a break from the unrelenting sun or the countless hours of back-breaking work – Augustine, who turned out to be my whole reason for being here in Panama with Public Health Brigade, was smiling back at me. This eleven-year-old boy would ride his bicycle uphill everyday just to keep us company as we built a compost latrine for his new home. He made all the hard work and struggle worth every moment with laughter and smiles. I was there to help him but he has helped me more than I could have ever imagined.

 

For much of my time in Stony Brook University, I was under the impression that I would continue on to pharmacy school. I had been working as a pharmacy technician to gain a better understanding of the health care field and thought I would just continue in pharmacy. I have learned a great deal from working in the pharmacy such as caring for patients and working with a team.

 

Although I had been working at the pharmacy for years, I always felt as though something was missing. I was not motivated to become a pharmacist, and it was not until my seven day trip to Panama and my time with Augustine that I realized what I was missing: pharmacy contained my love for science but not my passion for people. I was in search of a path that would allow me to take care of someone in need through a health care profession. I desired a career that would allow me to work in a team to provide the best patient care. Becoming a physician assistant encompasses everything I had desired.

 

I immediately began volunteering at North Shore LIJ Hospital to gain that personal connection that I had been longing for. After just one day of shadowing a PA, it was clear to me that this is where I belong. On my first day of shadowing, the PA administered a stress test to a patient who had been a heavy smoker for over twenty years. She was required to walk on a treadmill and after a few minutes she began to struggle. The PA immediately jumped on the back of the treadmill to support her with words of encouragement, promising that he would not let her fall. At the end of the test she claimed, “I couldn’t do it without you.” This is exactly what has motivated me to pursue the PA profession. I made a strong, personal connection with Augustine that encouraged and allowed me to do things I never would have thought I was capable of achieving. Being a PA will give me this same interpersonal connection with patients inspiring me to go above and beyond to help them.

 

Being from an immigrant family, I have been exposed to many of the harsh conditions that come tied with Central America’s third world environment.  Stepping into what was four pieces of standing two by fours and metal sheets layered across the top which my grandmother and her family of six would call home made me realize how seriously underprivileged people can be. At the same time seeing my father who already filed for two bankruptcies was still convincing his mother-in-law that he would even work harder to move them into a place they could really call a home was heart-warming. Through my family and through their struggle I have learned to appreciate what I do have but also strive to provide for those who may not be as fortunate as we may be. This is why I am here, to take advantage of this opportunity to become a well-educated health care professional and be able to treat people with care and compassion.