Personal Statement needs editing... please help!!! (Trying to make Oct 1st deadline)

[tinylilron]

I need to remove about 1,500 characters while maintaining an excellent, well-flowing personal statement. I really would like to make the October 1st deadline. I would be eternally grateful!!!! :-) Please let me know what you think and if you have any comments, suggestions, concerns and/or edits. Thank you so much! You are awesome!!! :-)

~Verónica

 

 

Personal Statement/Narrative

Please describe your motivation towards becoming a Physician Assistant

5000 character limit (currently approximately 6,500 characters)

 

The two major influences that motivate me to become a physician assistant are my personal experiences with healthcare[MM1] and my cultural background.[s2]

 

Growing up I have had personal experiences with the healthcare system, which not only led me to become interested in biomedical science and medicine but also exposed me to the healthcare field. At a young age, limited social interactions and slow academic development plagued me. [s3] In elementary school, I was diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder and the treatment changed my life. From this diagnosis, I became inquisitive about the disorder, which led me to learn about other learning disabilities and psychological disorders. My curiosity soon developed into an aspiration [s4] to know about all mental disorders, the brain, the human body and human behavior. Later in 2002, my sister became afflicted with a seemingly sudden onset of psychological disorders, which caused her to become suicidal and have other behavioral concerns. Several medical professionals worked together as a team, were involved in her diagnosis and care management. My desire to understand what was wrong and my recognition of the importance of her medical team convinced me that I needed to pursue a career in healthcare.

 

During my undergraduate study, my interest in healthcare field strengthened and diversified. I became aware of several current healthcare issues, such as the healthcare disparities that exist in various minority groups. As a second-generation Puerto Rican, I was aware of several economic hardships that several members of my cultural community faced. As a result, I became very interested in the topic. During the summer of my sophomore year, I participated in Yale University School of Medicine’s Summer Medical Education Program. In this program, we investigated the socioeconomic and cultural issues, which may be involved in the disproportionate burden of illness that are faced by minority groups. Upon conclusion of this program, I sought to investigate more of the factors involved in the healthcare inequities. My preliminary findings were that culturally competent healthcare workers are potentially instrumental in bridging the healthcare equity gap. Thus, it has always [s5] been my intention to become culturally competent and work with underserved individuals to provide excellent care to patients of all backgrounds. To prepare myself for this role, I have participated in several organizations, such as the International Rescue Committee and NIH’s Health Education Outreach Program, serving as a public health volunteer to provide outreach services and healthcare education to underserved communities.

 

In addition to preparing myself to be a healthcare provider through my extracurricular activities, I sought to take courses which would prepare me to obtain the skills and knowledge needed in the healthcare field. In my undergraduate courses, I became fascinated by the way the human body systems and the physiological pathways involved. During my senior year of college, I conducted a meta-analysis to compare the dopaminergic effects of methylphenidate and cocaine. I was captivated in learning about the various mechanisms of the “informational substances” and their physiological and behavioral effects. I was mostly intrigued by the genes and receptors involved in the variation of responses to pharmaceuticals, as the genetics of a certain individual or population may make one more susceptible to certain illnesses and adverse responses to medications. In addition, I became curious as to potential genetic factors involved in psychological disorders similar to the one that my sister experienced. To better prepare myself for a career in healthcare, I decided to continue my research endeavors in pharmacology and genetics at NIH, where I could not only gain state-of-the-art biomedical research experience but could also obtain clinical exposure.

 

Currently, I conduct clinical research to discover the genetic underpinnings of the acute response to alcohol. In my role as a research coordinator, I perform supervised standard clinical assessments and work with medical staff to collect clinical, behavioral, and physiological data[s6] . I enjoy being involved [s7] in the study procedures with the research staff and collaborating with medical staff, while learning various clinical procedures [s8] from them. Clinical exposure of such intensity has motivated me to become a physician assistant because I enjoy working on a team with other medical staff. Similar to several healthcare issues, addiction involves many different aspects of medicine such as culture, family, psychology, and pharmacology. [s9] All members of the medical research team have degrees of expertise that contribute to the research and ultimately the healthcare of patients. Understanding the value of this medical network is one of the reasons my role as a physician assistant will be an asset to my supervising physician, my patients and the medical community. As a physician assistant, I will work with others to provide the best care for all my patients through patient care management.

 

In conclusion, my dedication to improving healthcare for underserved communities and my passion for medical research driven by familial health issues have led me to my decision to be a physician assistant. I look forward to working with other healthcare professionals to develop the best treatment plans. My commitment to serve and care for people along with my cultural and research background will make me an asset to the medical community. My efforts, despite having ADD and simultaneous family health issues, have led me to become very persistent and determined; and my experience and perseverance would aptly support me to complete the challenges and objectives responsibly during PA school and further during my career. Further, I want [s10] to be a role model of clinical practitioner [s11] and to mentor people with all types of adversities especially those with learning disorders and from underserved communities. I hope to play a key role in the support system of my patients and their communities to help them recover and remain healthy. Just as medicine and science has had a profound impact in my life, my goal is to improve the lives of others as a clinician.

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[MM1]One word.

 

 

[s2]Is this a decent introduction? Does my introduction need to be longer than one sentence?

 

 

[s3]Should I delete this? I am trying to show how I was successful despite academic challenges but this sentence may not be needed…

 

 

[s4]Is “desire” a better word?

 

 

[s5]Is this word necessary?

 

 

[s6]Can this be shortened?

 

 

[s7]May only need to express enjoyment in one concise way…

 

 

[s8]Important

 

 

[s9]Medical professionals should know this information… can potentially delete…

 

 

[s10]What is the difference? What about desire?

 

 

[s11]Is this needed? Why is this here?

[baussie]

 

The two major influences that motivate me to become a physician assistant are my personal experiences with healthcare[MM1] and my cultural background.[s2] This sentence is awkward. Use something like "My cultral background and experiences with healthcare have greatly influenced my decision to become a physician assistant.

 

In elementary school, I was dianosed with Attention Deficit Disorder [and the treatment changed my life] <-- did the treatment change your life, or the diagnosis? You don't mention how you were treated. I became inquisitive about the disorder, which led me to seek out information about other learning disabilities and psychological disorders. My curiosity soon expanded to all mental disorders, the brain, the human body and human behavior. Later in 2002, my sister became afflicted with a seemingly sudden onset of psychological symptoms; several medical professionals were involved in her diagnosis and care. My desire to understand her condition and the importance of her medical team further concreted my desire to pursue a career in healthcare.

 

During my undergraduate studies, my interests strengthened and diversified. I became aware of current healthcare issues such as the disparities in medical care that plague various minority groups. As a second-generation Puerto Rican, I was aware of several economic hardships that many members of my cultural community faced. During the summer of my sophomore year, I participated in Yale University School of Medicine’s Summer Medical Education Program where we investigated the socioeconomic and cultural issues involved in the disproportionate burden of illness faced by minority groups. Upon conclusion of this program, I questioned other factors involved in healthcare inequalities. My research indicated that culturally competent healthcare workers are instrumental in bridging the care equality gap. Since that experience, I have participated in several organizations, such as the International Rescue Committee and NIH’s Health Education Outreach Program, as a public health volunteer to provide outreach services and healthcare education to underserved communities.

 

In addition to my extracurricular activities, I sought to take courses which would prepare me to obtain the skills and knowledge needed in the healthcare field. In my undergraduate courses, I became fascinated by the way the human body systems and the physiological pathways interacted(not sure what you were trying to say here before). During my senior year of college, I conducted a meta-analysis to compare the dopaminergic effects of methylphenidate and cocaine. I was mostly intrigued by the genes and receptors involved in the variation of responses to pharmaceuticals. In addition, I became curious as to potential genetic factors involved in psychological disorders similar to the one that my sister experienced. To better prepare myself for a career in healthcare, I decided to continue my research endeavors in pharmacology and genetics at NIH, where I could not only gain state-of-the-art biomedical research experience but could also obtain clinical exposure.

 

Currently, I conduct clinical research to discover the genetic underpinnings of the acute response to alcohol. In my role as a research coordinator, I perform supervised standard clinical assessments and work with medical staff to collect clinical, behavioral, and physiological data. I enjoy not only my role in the research, but collaborating with and gaining valuable clinical instruction from the medical staff. Clinical exposure of such intensity has motivated me to become a physician assistant because I enjoy working in a collaborative environment. Addiction involves many different factors such as culture, family, psychology, and pharmacology; forming a team of medical professionals greatly eases the burden of treatment and is essential to the patient's treatment (I reworded this, but I"m not even sure if you need this sentence. I understand you want to emphasize the "team" environment, but it doesn't really need expansion here). Understanding the value of this medical network is one of the reasons my role as a physician assistant will be an asset to my supervising physician, my patients and the medical community.(Good. I like this. end it here, you don't need that last sentence of this paragraph. it's repetitive)

 

In conclusion (not really necessary to state), my dedication to improving healthcare for underserved communities and my passion for medical research driven by familial health issues have founded my decision to be a physician assistant. My commitment to serve and care for people along with my cultural and research background will make me an asset to the medical community. My efforts, despite having ADD and simultaneous family health issues, have led me to become very persistent and determined; my experience and perseverance serve as proof of my ability to complete the challenges and objectives I may face during PA school and later during my career. It is my desire to be a role model to people with all types of adversities, especially those with learning disorders,and to those from underserved communities. I hope to play a key role in the support system of my patients to help them recover and remain healthy. Just as medicine and science have had a profound impact in my life, I hope to have this same influence on others as a clinician.

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One of the biggest things I noticed is that you use the word "healthcare" quite repetitively. Maybe add in some synonyms to break that up? You go into a lot of detail about how in awe you are or interested or curious you became in certain subjects that doesn't really add to what I get out of this essay of you as an individual. I'm tired and grumpy so please don't take any of my remarks personally, but I wanted you to have at least one response before the due date. Good luck!