Personal Statement Help

[wujk8941]

Hello everyone, 

I would really appreciate help with my personal statement. I am not a great at writing and would really like some insight and any help that you all can give me. My opening statement is not written well and I know that, it is not what I actually wanted to say but I was trying to go for something catchy and different. I would like to incorporate somewhere that I was not a good student at all the first 2 and a half years that I was a college student and I had no drive until I discovered my passion for the health care field. I wanted to describe exactly what happened and how I felt the first day of my internship at an emergency room. Try not to be too harsh.

 

            "Throw some gloves on and come get in some compression," is what the Registered Nurses and Physicians said to me in the first 10 minutes of my orientation at the Emergency Room. It was a Monday afternoon and I was scheduled to be at the hospital for two hours. I had been experiencing anxiety because I was going to be in the Emergency Room and this was my first time being in a healthcare setting, it was especially intimidating. I was following Lyle, who is a RN and is in charge of the education department; he was giving me a tour around the different pods in the emergency room. When I had first met with him he informed me that he would not be able to protect me from what I could possibly see during my time at the ER. He was not lying when he said this to me. He then took me to the drop off/loading area where the ambulances enter.

            When we first walked out there was already an ambulance out there unloading an infant that was on the gurney, I was never informed on the condition of this patient, he was hooked up to the monitors and crying; at least he was responding. We were standing out there and he was describing certain things to me and while we were standing there we could hear sirens close by and he wanted to wait to see what was coming in. Eventually, they pull in and the emergency medical technician walks around and opens the back doors to the ambulance and I immediately see a mans legs bouncing/shaking. Instantly I know what is happening inside the ambulance and my heart starts racing, I feel sick to my stomach and I think to myself “what in the world are you doing here right now.” The patient is in cardiac arrest and while they are bringing him in, there is a paramedic on the side of the gurney performing compressions and the others has him bagged giving him oxygen. We follow them inside and they enter the trauma room and I step back and watch until they tell me to put gloves on and perform compressions. The whole time I am emotionally freaking out, but I take a deep breath and grab some gloves and I don’t think about myself anymore, my mind is now on the patient whose life is quickly passing directly in front of me. Eventually, I trade off with a Resident who was performing compressions and it is my turn, I see nothing else but the patient now and I am completely focused on executing the compressions correctly and efficiently. Ultimately, the man did not make it, despite all the efforts from the Physicians, RN’s, and interns.

            This was the first time I have seen death, I was sorrowful for this man and his family. Even though the outcome was not what we had hoped for, I was especially grateful for this experience. Allowing me to be a part of the attempt to save this mans life, made me feel something that I have never felt before.

[DiggySRNA]

Hello :)

Great start. You kept my attention from start to finish because you know why? It was your experience and you did a great job painting its picture. Don't look at your introduction for a day or 2 and then come back with 1 goal...to edit it and make it shorter and clearer. Do not add anything to it unless you're replacing it with descriptive sentences instead of additional fluff since it is your intro.

 

Save the body of your personal statement for the bigger picture.

[wujk8941]

Thank you for the input umbPA. I have been thinking about the intro and this is really all I could come up with."Grab some gloves and come practice compressions." 

 

I was also think about adding this just to touch on my poor grades when I first started college. Any suggestions??

 

Before I discovered that I belonged in the healthcare field, I had no drive or direct path that I desired to go down. I aimlessly took classes with no enthusiasm and was not thinking about my career. It took me a couple of years in junior college to finally start to realize, I wanted to have a bright future and make something out of myself. I decided my grades suffered enough and I completely turned my life around. After the first day of my internship, it solidified that I was in the right place. I could not be more excited to become a Physician’s Assistant. 

[DiggySRNA]

 I could not be more excited to become a Physician’s Assistant. 

Be careful not to use the incorrect term Physician's Assistant. The appropriate term is Physician Assistant or PA. 

 

Also the new paragraph you're planning on adding is too long. Simplify it: I aimlessly took classes without a care in the world my first few years of junior college. My grades suffered as a result, but with a new focus on becoming a physician assistant, I am steadily improving my GPA.

[wujk8941]

Ahh Thanks for catching the PA thing.

 

I had a feeling the addition was too long. I have read that you just need to touch lightly on the bad grades and not go into too much depth.

[DiggySRNA]

Correct ^^^

[wujk8941]

Anymore suggestions from others? I will be submitting my Statement within the next few days if anyone as any other critics. Any help would be great

[SB23]

"Throw some gloves on and come get in some compression," is what the Registered Nurses and Physicians said to me in the first

Ten minutes into my orientation and my heart was rushing. “Throw on some gloves, we need you for chest compressions” shouted an emergency room physician. I had already been on edge because stepping in the ER was the first time that I was exposed to medicine.

10 minutes of my orientation at the Emergency Room. It was a Monday afternoon and I was scheduled to be at the hospital for two hours. I had been experiencing anxiety because I was going to be in the Emergency Room and this was my first time being in a healthcare setting, it was especially intimidating.  I was following Lyle, who is a RN and is in charge of the education department; he was giving me a tour around the different pods in the emergency room. When I had first met with him he warned me that I will be exposed to blood, and trauma and The ER was not for the faint of heart.  working in the I may see some he would not be able to protect me from what I could possibly see during my time at the ER. He was not lying when he said this to me. He then took me to the drop off/loading area where the ambulances enter arrive.

         We walked outside to the ambulance bay as the paramedics were unloading the gurney with a crying infant hooked up to the transport monitor. I wasn’t sure of the infants condition but noticed that at least he was crying.

            When we first walked out there was already an ambulance out there unloading an infant that was on the gurney, I was never informed on the condition of this patient, he was hooked up to the monitors and crying; at least he was responding.

(This next part is a bit choppy and too many words for what your trying to say)

We were standing out there and he was describing certain things to me and while we were standing there we could hear sirens close by and he wanted to wait to see what was coming in. Eventually, they pull in and the emergency medical technician walks around and opens the back doors to the ambulance and. 

 

Another ambulance pulled up in the bay. The doors swung open.

 I immediately see a mans legs bouncing and shaking. Instantly I know what is happening inside the ambulance and my heart starts racing, I feel sick to my stomach and I think to myself “what in the world are you doing here right now.” The patient is in cardiac arrest.

 

As one paramedic is on the gurney giving CPR the other paramedic is pushing the gurney to the ER while bagging the patient.

 and while they are bringing him in, there is a paramedic on the side of the gurney performing compressions and the others has him bagged giving him oxygen.

I didn't edit too much in this next part because you have to decide if you want to use present tense or past tense. I would suggest past tense.

We follow them inside and they enter the trauma room. and I step back and watch until they tell me to put gloves on and perform compressions. The whole time I am emotionally freaking out, but I take a deep breath and grab some gloves and I don’t think about myself anymore, my mind is now on the patient whose life is quickly passing directly in front of me. Eventually, I trade off with a Resident who was performing compressions and it is my turn, I see nothing else but the patient now and I am completely focused on executing the compressions correctly and efficiently. Ultimately, the man did not make it, despite all the efforts from the Physicians, RN’s, and interns.

            This was the first time I have seen death, I was sorrowful for this man and his family. Even though the outcome was not what we had hoped for, I was especially grateful for this experience. Allowing me to be a part of the attempt to save this mans life, made me feel something that I have never felt before.

 

 

I would say that the story is a bit long. I didn't learn much about you or why your want to be a PA. The only thing I know was how your first exposure to medicine was. I would suggest keeping the story of how you were introduced into medicine to a paragraph, then explain how that stirred a passion in you to pursue medicine. You also did not mention anything about PAs in the whole narrative.  I hope I didn't offend you as that was not the intent. Strictly business. 

[wujk8941]

            Ten minutes into my orientation and my heart was rushing. “Throw on some gloves, we need you for chest compressions” shouted an emergency room physician. I had already been on edge because stepping in the ER was the first time that I was exposed to medicine. I was following Lyle, who is a RN and is in charge of the education department; he was giving me a tour around the different pods in the emergency room. When we first met; he warned me that I would be exposed to death, disease, and trauma. He then took me to the drop off/loading area where the ambulances arrive. As we walked outside, paramedics were unloading a gurney with a crying infant hooked up to the transport monitor. I wasn’t sure of the infant’s condition but noticed that at least he was crying. We were standing in the bay and we could hear sirens close by and we waited to see what was coming in. Eventually, they pull in and the emergency medical technician walks around and opens the back doors to the ambulance. I see a man’s legs bouncing and shaking. Instantly I know what is happening inside the ambulance and my heart starts racing, my stomach drops and I think to myself “what in the world are you doing here right now.” The patient is in cardiac arrest. As one paramedic is on the gurney giving CPR, the other paramedic is pushing the gurney to the ER while bagging the patient. We followed them inside as they enter the trauma room. I step back and watch until they need me. The whole time I am emotionally freaking out; I take a deep breath and grab gloves and I do not think about myself anymore. My mind is on the patient whose life is passing in front of me. Eventually, I trade off with a Resident who was performing compressions and it is my turn, I see nothing else but the patient now and I am completely focused on executing the compressions correctly and efficiently. Ultimately, the patient did not make it, despite all the efforts from the Physicians, RN’s, and interns.

            This was the first time I have seen death, I was sorrowful for this man and his family. Even though the outcome was not what we had hoped for, I was grateful for the experience. Allowing me to be a part of the attempt to save this mans life was a rush that not many others understand.

            When I started College, I aimlessly took classes without a care in the world. My grades suffered as a result; I started taking more science courses and I discovered how fascinated I was with the human body. My newfound interest allowed me to continue taking science courses and I steadily improved my GPA. I decided I wanted to enter the healthcare field and I completed volunteer hours in different fields. Eventually, this led me to the Emergency Room; where I completed my undergraduate internship. In those first ten minutes, I knew I wanted to pursue a career as a Physician Assistant.

[realtreky]

Ten minutes into my orientation and my heart was rushing. “Throw on some gloves, we need you for chest compressions” shouted an emergency room physician. I had already been on edge because stepping in the ER was the first time that I was exposed to medicine. I was following During Orientation Lyle, who is a (an) RN and is in charge of the education department; he was giving me a tour around the different pods in the emergency room. When we first met; he warned me that I would be exposed to death, disease, and trauma. He then took me to the drop off/loading area where the ambulances arrive. As we walked outside, paramedics were unloading a gurney with a crying infant hooked up to the transport monitor. I wasn’t sure of the infant’s condition but noticed that at least he was crying (In order to cut down on the story stick to one story). (As) We were standing in the bay and we could hear sirens close by and we waited to see what was coming in. Eventually, they pull in and the emergency medical technician walks around and opens the back doors to the ambulance. I see a man’s legs bouncing and shaking. Instantly I know what is happening inside the ambulance and my heart starts racing, my stomach drops and I think to myself “what in the world are you doing here right now.” The patient is in cardiac arrest. As one paramedic is on the gurney giving CPR, the other paramedic is pushing the gurney to the ER while bagging the patient. We followed them inside as they enter the trauma room. I step back and watch until they need me. The whole time I am emotionally freaking out (I would reword this. Maybe say you were nervous); I take a deep breath and grab gloves and I do not think about myself anymore. My mind is on the patient whose life is passing in front of me. Eventually, I trade off with a Resident who was performing compressions and it is my turn, I see nothing else but the patient now and I am completely focused on executing the compressions correctly and efficiently. Ultimately, the patient did not make it, despite all the efforts from the Physicians, RN’s, and interns.  This was the first time I have seen death, I was sorrowful for this man and his family. Even though the outcome was not what we had hoped for, I was grateful for the experience. Allowing me to be a part of the attempt to save this man’s life was a rush that not many others understand. (This is a great intro story but it should be reworded to make it shorter)

            When I started College, I aimlessly took classes without a care in the world. My grades suffered as a result; I started taking more science courses and I discovered how fascinated I was with the human body. My newfound interest allowed me to continue taking science courses and I steadily improved my GPA. I decided I wanted to enter the healthcare field and I completed volunteer hours in different fields. Eventually, this led me to the Emergency Room; where I completed my undergraduate internship. In those first ten minutes, I knew I wanted to pursue a career as a Physician Assistant.

1. Talk about why you want to be a PA
2. Talk about abilities and attributes that will make you a good PA
3. How your experiences [especially in healthcare] have contributed to the above.