Looking for critics and feedback on my PS!!!

[yesIMbob]

Ladies and gentlemen I seek some critiquing by the randoms.  My CASPA app is almost wrapped up and my personal statement is the only thing left.  Anyone willing to give it a read along with feedback will have my gratitude.  THANKS!!!

 

It was my senior year in high school that I sat a frustrated student in English class.  Mr. Roehm criticized the first drafts of our essays exclaiming: “you guys can’t write about life experience because you’re all a bunch of kids still in high school!”  With a furrowed brow I disagreed and wrote on to what I believed was a cleverly crafted essay embellished with witty personal anecdotes.  He disagreed.  Needless to say I was not pleased with the grade I received.  I was adamant in arguing the merits of my work but that did not change Mr. Roehm’s mind or the grade on my paper.  He stated his rationale behind his decision and I turned a deaf ear to him. 

 

Nearly ten years have passed since that class.  Now, I sit here reminiscing, pondering over Mr. Roehm’s words all the while coming to an understanding of what he meant. The lessons of life coming from a pretentious teenager are not insightful nor are they well received.  As Aristotle once said: “It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.”  I was an arrogant kid back then and thought I had the whole world figured out.  Little did I know of the lessons the world would teach me over the upcoming years. 

 

At the age of 20, I enlisted in the United States Air Force.  Before I knew it, I was miles away from home dressed in camouflage getting chewed out for incorrectly folding my socks.  Spit flew from the Training Instructor’s mouth and my hands quickly moved.  Though I thought it was tawdry to be chastised for doing laundry, the point was to complete the task at hand and do it well.  In the Air Force there was generally only one option for an assignment and that was to do it.  The Air Force taught many lessons but the most important one was adhering to three core values: integrity first, service before self, and excellence in all we do.  What this meant was to be honest and take responsibility for your actions, to put the needs of the many before your own, and to strive to do the best in everything you do.  These are values that can be incorporated into any fashion of life.  These are the values that I have practiced and believe are an integral part of who I am.

 

After my stint in the military, I decided to go to college with aspirations of working in the medical field.  To get my feet wet, I became an Emergency Medical Technician and was soon working on an ambulance in Los Angeles.  I instantly fell in love with the medical world and knew this was the right path for me.  The collaborative efforts of paramedics, nurses, and physicians to provide health care for those in need inspired me to do well in college with the goal of medicine in mind.  I determined biology and psychology were two well suited fields to study in preparing for a career in medicine.  Studying with an emphasis in biology has taught me the intricacies of life on our planet and how our bodies are in a constant struggle to maintain a delicate balance.  In psychology I have learned of the influences behind our thoughts and behaviors as well as various psychiatric disorders.  I have worked diligently in my studies and have put forth the best effort I have in every class.  There have been struggles at times but I have persevered. 

 

I had not planned on starting a family before finishing college but not all events are predictable.  One day I met Jessica and my life changed.  It was easy to fall in love with her and her two children Kayli and Logan.  We were a happy family of four for a while, and then a surprise announced the coming of a new addition to the family.  One of the happiest days of my life was when my daughter Kaydence was born.  I embraced the role of dad and everything that came with it.  Unfortunately, being a father can be as much of a challenge as it is a reward.  At sixteen months old my daughter was diagnosed with autism.  Nothing was worse than hearing that my beautiful little girl has a disability.  My wife and I instantly immersed ourselves in research regarding autism.  We discovered numerous therapy options and ways to help our daughter thrive despite her disadvantage.  With the aid of various organizations and her therapists, Kaydence has made leaps and bounds in her development and continues to amaze us every day.   

 

Ten years ago I was just a kid who got a bad grade on his essay.  Now, I am a loving husband, a passionate father of three children, a proud veteran of the Air Force, an ardent student of Biology, and a dedicated health care professional.  I have learned a lot about myself and what life entails, and I am wise enough to know that I will still go on learning.  This is why I believe I will be a great physician assistant.  To treat patients in the best way possible requires a person with a special mindset.  This mindset encompasses compassion, critical thinking, and the desire to excel.  I have worked hard to get to where I am today and I plan on continuing to do so in order to provide the best for my family as well as for my patients.        

[Topsy]

Not gonna lie, I didn't read the whole thing. I just stumbled upon the phrase "needless to say" and was instantly turned off.

 

"Needless to say" means "it goes without saying." So if it goes without saying, why are you saying it in the first place????? It is trite, unoriginal, and completely unnecessary. 

 

Pet peeve. Sorry. Off my soapbox.

 

Also, don't use quotes for your PS. It's a personal statement. Who cares what Mark Twain or Michael Jordan or FDR would say? That is not personal. With a limited amount of characters, why would you waste precious space quoting someone else.

[Topsy]

Errmmm, sorry. That came off as a bit harsh. Didn't mean to castigate you. I think my frustrations with Baylor's supplemental app have finally made me snap. 

[rcardill]

I read this briefly and still have no idea why you want to be a PA. Why a PA and not a nurse, doc, or direct tv cable man.. I think showing your knowledge of the profession will make for a better narrative. 

[realtreky]

In my humble opinoin. I think you should consider re-writing the whole thing. I like the story about your daughter, but I think you should leave out the story about your paper. Air Force experience is good but it should probably be centered around what you have learned from it that you make you a good PA. You should answer these questions in your narative: Why do you want to be a PA? What motivated you to become a PA?

 

Best of luck

[triguy18]

I agree with the above poster, I like the story about your daughter, but unless you can express how it relates to your desire to become a PA, I'm not sure why it is included.