Second draft, need help with conclusion!!

[zerog]

I just turned eight years old and I am playing doctor with my two older brothers. Coming from two parents that are in the medical field, this is our preferred method of play. Even from this small age, it was engrained into my mind that anyone of intelligence goes into the healthcare field.

I entered college as a biology major with a pre-physician assistant emphasis simply because that is what my parents told me to do. It was not until I began struggling in my freshmen science classes that I began to question why I was doing this. Why did I want to struggle through years of science classes and a profession just because that is the path my parents paved for me? During sophomore year, that mindset changed.

That winter, I went to Costa Rica and Nicaragua on a medical trip. Those two weeks changed my life so drastically I get goose bumps just thinking about them. In these foreign countries, I realized how grateful I am for the healthcare system I have grown up in. In Central America, individuals regarded our group of naïve undergraduates as the most world-renowned physicians, respecting our every word. Because of the extreme lack of any sort of healthcare policies in Central America, we were able to administer vaccinations and pap smears without any hesitation. When I administered my first tetanus shot, I was shaking and scared to death that by some absurd circumstance I would kill the woman. Yet, the smiling woman was just so thankful for even having the opportunity to receive the vaccine. I would love to have the opportunity to gain that respect in the American healthcare field. In addition, I was able to make preliminary diagnoses after going through entire physical examinations by myself. A local doctor would then agree or disagree with our diagnoses and from there, we would together prescribe and treat.

While much of the illnesses were specific to the Central American region, I learned so much about the process of healthcare. Here in a decrepit shack of an elementary school, I realized how vital it was for me to help people to the best of my abilities, to be generic. For me, helping individuals medically is so incredibly important. In Central America, basic healthcare is the difference between life and death. When all material objects in which we as Americans rely on are stripped away, when you are unable to text message or even shower, you become aware of your true motives and aspirations. In a Costa Rican hostel with no running water, I decided I needed to become a physician assistant.

Upon returning to my university, I have been able to really push myself to the best of my abilities in my science courses because I truly want to become a physician assistant, rather than simply going through the motions of a science major. I still do not receive the top grades, but I truly have the drive to become a physician assistant. I am ready and willing to devote my life to helping people get the health care that they deserve.

Once I came home from this ‘vacation’, I had an entirely new outlook for helping individuals. I was hired to be a service representative at a facility I am still currently employed for individuals with disabilities. My duty is to plan and implement recreational activities to therapeutically integrate the individual into their community. I care for individuals with an array of physical, mental, and intellectual disabilities. By doing so, I am able to support my desire for healthcare knowledge by learning about the disabilities as well as how to specifically care for them. As frustrating as it may be at times, it is continuously one of the greatest experiences of my life, to see just how much I can affect someone’s future.

I have chosen the physician assistant path over the path of physician or nurse practitioner because of its versatility. I really enjoy that after graduating from a physician assistant program, one does not have to immediately choose a specialty and go through residency; you are not ‘stuck’ in one specialty. I am choosing physician assistant over the nurse practitioner path because physician assistants are more apt to work in a hospital and operating room setting than nurse practitioners are. I would enjoy performing surgeries, or even having the ability to, and nurse practitioners often do not assist in surgeries. Physician assistants are often able to spend more time with patients when compared to physicians. Also, if I were a physician assistant, I would get the opportunity to play a significant role in a team-like setting. While every kind of provider plays a vital role in the healthcare system, physician assistant is the best fit for me.

I am extremely dedicated towards becoming a physician assistant. While my science grade point average may not reflect it, I am extremely hardworking and try my best to reach and succeed my aspirations. I greatly enjoy the healthcare field as a whole, and am certain the role of a physician assistant is where I am meant to be. I cannot see my life path veering any other way than becoming a physician assistant.

 

Thank you so much for any help! Be as harsh as you desire.

[zerog]

I just turned eight years old and I am playing doctor with my two older brothers. Coming from two parents that are in the medical field, this is our preferred method of play. Even from this small age, it was engrained into my mind that anyone of intelligence goes into the healthcare field.

I entered college as a biology major with a pre-physician assistant emphasis simply because that is what my parents told me to do. It was not until I began struggling in my freshmen science classes that I began to question why I was doing this. Why did I want to struggle through years of science classes and a profession just because that is the path my parents paved for me? During sophomore year, that mindset changed.

That winter, I went to Costa Rica and Nicaragua on a medical trip. Those two weeks changed my life so drastically I get goose bumps just thinking about them. In these foreign countries, I realized how grateful I am for the healthcare system I have grown up in. In Central America, individuals regarded our group of naïve undergraduates as the most world-renowned physicians, respecting our every word. Because of the extreme lack of any sort of healthcare policies in Central America, we were able to administer vaccinations and pap smears without any hesitation. When I administered my first tetanus shot, I was shaking and scared to death that by some absurd circumstance I would kill the woman. Yet, the smiling woman was just so thankful for even having the opportunity to receive the vaccine. I would love to have the opportunity to gain that respect in the American healthcare field. In addition, I was able to make preliminary diagnoses after going through entire physical examinations by myself. A local doctor would then agree or disagree with our diagnoses and from there, we would together prescribe and treat.

While much of the illnesses were specific to the Central American region, I learned so much about the process of healthcare. Here in a decrepit shack of an elementary school, I realized how vital it was for me to help people to the best of my abilities, to be generic. For me, helping individuals medically is so incredibly important. In Central America, basic healthcare is the difference between life and death. When all material objects in which we as Americans rely on are stripped away, when you are unable to text message or even shower, you become aware of your true motives and aspirations. In a Costa Rican hostel with no running water, I decided I needed to become a physician assistant.

Upon returning to my university, I have been able to really push myself to the best of my abilities in my science courses because I truly want to become a physician assistant, rather than simply going through the motions of a science major. I still do not receive the top grades, but I truly have the drive to become a physician assistant. I am ready and willing to devote my life to helping people get the health care that they deserve.

Once I came home from this ‘vacation’, I had an entirely new outlook for helping individuals. I was hired to be a service representative at a facility I am still currently employed for individuals with disabilities. My duty is to plan and implement recreational activities to therapeutically integrate the individual into their community. I care for individuals with an array of physical, mental, and intellectual disabilities. By doing so, I am able to support my desire for healthcare knowledge by learning about the disabilities as well as how to specifically care for them. As frustrating as it may be at times, it is continuously one of the greatest experiences of my life, to see just how much I can affect someone’s future.

I have chosen the physician assistant path over the path of physician or nurse practitioner because of its versatility. I really enjoy that after graduating from a physician assistant program, one does not have to immediately choose a specialty and go through residency; you are not ‘stuck’ in one specialty. I am choosing physician assistant over the nurse practitioner path because physician assistants are more apt to work in a hospital and operating room setting than nurse practitioners are. I would enjoy performing surgeries, or even having the ability to, and nurse practitioners often do not assist in surgeries. Physician assistants are often able to spend more time with patients when compared to physicians. Also, if I were a physician assistant, I would get the opportunity to play a significant role in a team-like setting. While every kind of provider plays a vital role in the healthcare system, physician assistant is the best fit for me.

I am extremely dedicated towards becoming a physician assistant. While my science grade point average may not reflect it, I am extremely hardworking and try my best to reach and succeed my aspirations. I greatly enjoy the healthcare field as a whole, and am certain the role of a physician assistant is where I am meant to be. I cannot see my life path veering any other way than becoming a physician assistant.

 

Thank you so much for any help! Be as harsh as you desire.

[tour9196]

Well just on the last paragraph you skip around a lot. For me, I would try to avoid talking about other professions and focus more on why you want to be a PA. I say this because it gives a more positive feel to the narrative with you stating why you want to be a PA. There is also a lack of experiences you had with PAs which I think would be good replacement. I would also minimize what you want to do as a PA and focus, again, more on why you want to be a PA and how your experience shaped you decisions to become a PA. From what I read, it sounds like this: "I had great experience with treating "so and so" patient therefore I want to be a PA." In fact it overall it sounds like you had a good experience with patients and decided to become a PA because that is what you started out with not because you were influence by the profession itself. I know you give reason why but that still doesn't convince me.

Additionally I know PA are versatile but I, from my perceptive, think the school isn't looking for PAs that jump around in specialties. In fact I think they are looking for PA to stay in one specialty because, obviously, PAs grow in their field and I'm pretty sure you need to do some kind of residency to go into surgery. Overall it needs work. I like to go over each sentence and ask myself if I can state that in a better way which can help with overall flow and pathos. For example, instead of saying "I really enjoy", I would put "The excitement of doing...is truly satisfying" just as an example off the top of my head. Good luck!

[zerog]

My brother is also a PA, should I include that somehow?

[tour9196]

Sorry about the late reply, it really depends. You can take that a number of ways, for example, 'I want to be a PA like my brother' wouldn't hurt to mention very briefly or 'My brother influenced me to become a PA' would be something to elaborate on. But you want to be truthful and tell a unique but interesting story through words. Good luck!

[waitingblessing]

I'm no ad miss comm person but honestly I don't really get the vibe u want to be a pa more u were forced. Maybe eliminate whole 1st paragraph???? Good luck!!!

[rev ronin]

If you haven't gotten the conclusion firmly in mind before you start, you need to scrap it and start again once you've figured out what your conclusion is going to be.

[atheaslet]

I think you are having a hard time with your conclusion because your essay isn't very focused. You address different things in each paragraph and switch to different topics with paragraphs. I would try organizing the essay a little better and I think the conclusion will come to you much easier. Pick a thesis, or if you don't have a concrete thesis, come up with an underlying theme. Reiterating those points will be the bulk of your conclusion in most cases. But in my opinion not having a conclusion isn't the end of a good essay, but I think you would benefit from making an outline to streamline things. I think you have the right idea, the structure is a little off is all.