Would greatly appreciate critiques on my first draft!!

[catherinekight]

WARNING: There are many grammatical errors but as this is my first draft I was mostly trying to get my ideas together. :)

 

 

“No-wheres-ville USA” is the best way to describe where I was raised, a small area with a large amount of it’s population being livestock. The negatives of small town life are obvious, but the positives are much more loud. In my area community is not a word, but a way of life because most individuals are connected to each other, whether it be through a job, church, school or family. When I decided to leave to attend college at Virginia Tech I was excited to meet new people and try new things, but mostly to learn more about science and specifically biology. Through my undergrad I encountered a lot of information but the material that stuck was medicine. My fascination with the intricacies of the human body and its reaction to its environment grew exponentially and I knew I wanted to a pursue career in medicine. The turning point came when I decided to use my summer to take a local course to become a Certified Nurses Aide. My training as a Nurses Aide led me to a nursing home where I learned a lot about what caring for someone really meant. Bathing someone who cannot bathe themselves is the process of expressing to them that they matter, and that you care. Using the techniques you learn through medical training you can spread love to someone who needs it. You can help someone heal both figuratively and literally. This became my motivation and my goal. I was able to obtain a volunteer spot at a local Free Clinic where I provided patient care and worked alongside some of the most amazing people I have ever met. With this opportunity I encountered the reality of our country’s underserved population an their healthcare. I worked very hard to make a difference and to learn and absorb as much as I could while I was there. After my graduation form Virginia Tech I was hired as a Clinical Assistant in a gastroenterology office providing patient care under the direction of three Physicians and two Physician Assistants. Working with these Physician Assistants on a daily basis and watching them practice reassures me that this is my path. They both inspire me to pursue this goal at all costs and to learn more each day and I was honored when they decided to write me recommendation letters to send to your school.

 

Becoming a Physician Assistant will give me the platform to contribute to my community. I want to work in a small area that needs medical help. I want to earn the respect of my peers so they bring their family members to me and trust that I will give them my best care. I want to heal a child’s sore throat and show an elderly individual how to keep their heart strong. I want to tell a struggling couple that they are pregnant and give hope through treatment to those who have been diagnosed with disease. I will work and I will fight to succeed at your school. I will graduate and strive to become a better practitioner each and every year. I will practice in a way that will make your school proud. I hope that you will give me a chance to show you all of these things.

[hdomingo]

its not it's

 

louder not more loud

 

word. Most people are...

 

science, specifically..

 

avoid using connectors (and, but... etc) too much

 

nurse's aide, or nursing assistant, not Nurses aide

 

where I learned a lot about what caring for someone really meant - try

where I learned about what caring for someone truly meant

this could be a new paragraph:

Using the techniques you learn through medical training you can spread love to someone who needs it. You can help someone heal both figuratively and literally.

By using the techniques you learn through medical training By working in the healthcare field, you can share love to someone who needs it. You can help someone heal both (figuratively and literally). help someone heal not just physically, but also emotionally and spiritually.

 

After my graduation form Virginia Tech After graduating from VT

They both inspire me to pursue this goal at all costs and to learn more each day. I was honored when they decided to write me recommendation letters to send to your school.

 

Keep sentences short and direct to the point, avoid connectors (and, but, because, etc)

 

I will work and I will fight to succeed at your school. I will graduate and strive to become a better practitioner each and every year. I will practice in a way that will make your school proud. I hope that you will give me a chance to show you all of these things. ----> don't beg like that. it sounds desperate like a politician asking for votes. be confident in your tone.