brazilbrowneyes Posted September 17, 2012 Share Posted September 17, 2012 My wife recently wrote this for other wives and thought I'd share: There are so many things I wish I would have known at the beginning of this journey. So many tidbits of helpful information that I did get. So as we're approaching the end of the student life journey, I thought I would share what it is that I've learned in my role as the spouse of a student in the medical field for others who may be approaching this new chapter themselves. 1. It is important to realize that no one role in the relationship is more important than the other. Both are equally taxed, but in different ways. While one is in school or rotations all day, the other is at home tending to the children or working to support the spouse in school. So appreciate the role that each other plays and understand the difficulty of each of those roles. 2. It is also important to offer your assistance to one another as your different roles converge. For example, as a student, you've been out all day long and are exhausted from rotations. But you come home and your wife is struggling with the kids and fixing dinner. Muster up that last bit of energy and assist her where you can. The opposite could be said when there's a big test coming up and the student spouse needs to study - as the spouse opposite the student, we do our best to offer assistance to them in keeping things quiet so they can study. Or have things done best we can so that the spouse can focus on studying vs. struggling to keep the kids (or pets, or wives ;-) ) out of there hair or worry about things that didn't get done. 3. As a couple/family, just stick your nose down and focus. Don't get wrapped up the politics of the program or the trivial things. Whatever it takes to "get the -C" after your name. It's not worth the extra stress and likely un-productive results of the energy you put into "speaking up" about an issue. At least in our case, the student voice isn't very loud. 4. Together time is sacred time. Especially in the didactic/bookwork phase of school, it is few and far between. So turn off your phones, step away from the computer, shut off the TV and just enjoy one another as a family. This is the time that you will grow and stay cohesive through this process. So don't push family time aside because you feel unproductive because somebody's nose isn't in a book. You should all still like each other after graduation. Just because your in "student" mode, doesn't mean your family and outside life stops. Everybody has to find their own balance and routine. Set aside your night/day and keep it religiously. If you have kids, they need to know that a certain time is ALL theirs for their student parent. It gives them something to hang onto through the week. 5. Express an interest in one another's experiences. Our conversations usually go something like this, "How was your day? Do you have any interesting patients today?" and genuinely listen and ask follow up questions. Or he'll ask our son how school was today, and try to get as much information about his day as he can. We have a tradition at the dinner table (we ALWAYS eat dinner together), that we go around and ask everybody what the best and worst parts of their day was. It's a good way for us to talk together and get the readers digest version of one another's day (we have a 2 & 5 year old, so it's usually a short conversations). 6. The strategy when it comes to hunting for employment that we've deployed has been a team effort. Just before starting his clinical year, we put together his CV, and that way as he's done rotations we've simply added the rotation to his CV and it's always available for any potential employers. We also put together a short list of states we'd like to live in, or have interest in, and which speciality (if any) he is interested in. Then as he gains experience through rotations we'd add and subtract from the list. We understand that his #1 priority has been to get through school and do well so that he can pass his PANCE and be eligible for employment. And my job was to weed through possible jobs, run them by him, and do the physical applying and the initial asking of questions. Once any of them showed mutual interest, I turn it over to him so that we're both on the same page. This has been very productive for us, but we understand that some wives would rather just stay out of it. But we figure it's the best use of both of our time for investing into future happiness for BOTH of us. We knew what our family goal was for potential location, and job. 7. When it comes to actually interviewing for jobs, invest in a good business attire for the BOTH of you. As the spouse, you will often be invited to "dinnerviews" (as we call them), or to even travel on the potential employers dime to formally interview and see a place. You both have to make a good impression and be professional. This is something we didn't consider until we were faced with an interview and I went to pack and realized as a spouse that I didn't have anything appropriate. I had jeans and T-Shirts or churchy clothes. Neither would work. So we ran to New York & Co. last minute and were able to find something that worked. But we were so focused on his suit/ensemble for the interview that we hadn't even considered mine! LOL, and I was terrified of making him look bad. But in the end it was a great experience and we enjoyed the time to explore somewhere new, in addition to having kid-free time to discuss the potential employer and possibilities. 8. The time really does go quickly. So hang on for the ride and remember it isn't forever. Keep the goal in mind and enjoy the journey. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Contrarian Posted September 17, 2012 Share Posted September 17, 2012 ^^ GREAT Job^^^ ... !!!!! :=D: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mackjacks Posted September 17, 2012 Share Posted September 17, 2012 Interesting post, thanks! Are "dinnerviews" common? I never imagined them in medicine unless someone was applying for a high-level job like Chief of whatever at some hospital. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vaston Posted September 17, 2012 Share Posted September 17, 2012 Interesting post, thanks! Are "dinnerviews" common? I never imagined them in medicine unless someone was applying for a high-level job like Chief of whatever at some hospital. I didn't interview at any hospitals, so I can't speak for that aspect. Many clinics will invite you and your spouse to visit the office, called a 'site visit', so you can get a feel for how things work there. They may combine that with a lunch or dinner appointment as part of the interview portion so you can sit with some of the other providers and staff. I enjoyed that part of my interview days, I think it allowed me an opportunity to see what the staff members were like outside of the office setting. To the OP' wife: Excellent letter. My wife read it and agrees 100%. If you do it right, the experience can make your relationship stronger than it has ever been. Do it wrong and it can tear it apart. You BOTH have to be willing to sacrifice, exactly as described in that letter. Well done. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jbcaringpa Posted September 17, 2012 Share Posted September 17, 2012 Just had a "dinnerview" with my boyfriend for a job (which I am taking). But the point of the story is, I think he was more nervous than I was, because he didnt want to mess anything up at the dinner! But he did fine of course! and yes, we had to go shopping for a fancy outfit for me AND HIM : ) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brazilbrowneyes Posted September 17, 2012 Author Share Posted September 17, 2012 Interesting post, thanks! Are "dinnerviews" common? I never imagined them in medicine unless someone was applying for a high-level job like Chief of whatever at some hospital. I've interviewed with several different practices and each one of them involved at the very LEAST one dinner, if not ALL the meals. One interview that I went on essentially had each meal as an opportunity to meet with a different physician in the practice. So my wife and I had breakfast with one doc, lunch with another doc plus the practice manager, then dinner with the practice's PA....we had a VERY high caloric intake that day. Wow...And at every "dinnerview" we've been on they've always said, "Hey, this is on the hospital's dime, so get whatever you want!" We were always respectful and conservative, but they'd always get bottles of wine, the expensive steaks, etc. There's also been times when they'd have their formal interviews/meetings/meals and then other times when my wife and I would be on our own, and we'd simply have to turn in our receipts for our meals and they'd reimburse us for them, they'd pay for rental car, gas for the car, hotel, food (even if my wife and I were eating separately they'd pay for her - they usually have an allotment of $50/day/person or something equivalent when not directly eating with a doc). Be sure to keep those itemized receipts! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
starseed22 Posted September 17, 2012 Share Posted September 17, 2012 Thank you and your wife for the great post brazilbrownneyes. I will be sharing this with my wife as we have had our fair share of trying times so far. Many of these points we have discovered the hard way but I am very happy to see them now organized like you have. Might even print it to hang on the refrigerator :) Good luck in all your interviews! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator EMEDPA Posted September 17, 2012 Moderator Share Posted September 17, 2012 Interesting post, thanks! Are "dinnerviews" common? I never imagined them in medicine unless someone was applying for a high-level job like Chief of whatever at some hospital. I have done a few. typically if a place is willing to fly you out there, rent you a car and pay for your hotel room they will take you to dinner(or at least lunch) the day of your interview. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tompkbr Posted September 18, 2012 Share Posted September 18, 2012 Thank you for posting this letter!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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