lbmccarley Posted October 4, 2010 Share Posted October 4, 2010 I would appreciate any help and advise anyone can give me on my personal statement. Not really sure what they are looking for, so I just wrote my story. Here it is... At the young age of 3, I was diagnosed with kidney reflux disease and spent countless hours in the doctor’s office. Having this disease caused me to endure what I thought was pure torture. X-rays were performed every 6 months at our local hospital. I had to be catheterized, then placed out in the hallway to wait my turn. I was in such tremendous pain and couldn't understand why my parents would allow strange people to do these things to me. I was then placed on an x-ray table and was told to urinate on the table while they took pictures. I remember this being very hard to do as I had finally mastered the art of using the "big girl" potty, and now I had to potty on the table! Needless to say I was completely humiliated. Living in a rural area, technology was not up-to-date as in metropolitan areas. Therefore, having to undergo a significant amount of radiation in which could possibly hinder my ability to have children later in life, my doctor made the decision to refer me to another doctor at Children’s Hospital in Birmingham, Alabama. The facilities in Birmingham were much safer and allowed me to continue my semiannual x-rays. I tolerated these test for several years, took my medication exactly as I was told, and finally around the age of 12 outgrew this disease. My hospital visits were not over at this point. At age 9, I was diagnosed with absence epilepsy. Fortunately, testing was much easier and pain free. An electroencephalogram (EEG) would tell what was going on in my brain. My doctor explained that electrical charges were sent to my brain and sometimes these charges would miss-fire. I thought that was pretty cool. I began to realize how complex the body is and was completely amazed how the body worked. Fortunately, I outgrow this disease too. When I was young, the idea of working in the medical field was always in the forefront of my mind. Although, I thought my only choices were to become either a doctor or a nurse; it wasn’t until I grew older that I discovered there are entire healthcare teams, not just doctors and nurses. During my high school years, as I was preparing for college, I began to research each available profession in the healthcare field. With such a wide variety to choose from, I had my work cut out in trying to decide which one would be the right fit for me. I thought maybe I would be a doctor and even a brain surgeon. How great it would be to study the brain and how it controls the whole body and how the body reacts when the brain does something it is not supposed to do. I also entertained the idea of nursing, but my heart told me otherwise. I narrowed it down to physician or physician assistant and choose my college major as biology. As I continued to contrast and compare physician to PA, I began to see how beneficial a PA is to the medical community. I feel the role of PA is a vital part of the medical field and I am more inspired than ever to be one of the first PA’s in my community. I am currently a senior in college and am spending my extra time preparing for the real world of medicine. I spend time shadowing with a general practitioner as well as our local ambulance service. I am also volunteering at our local hospital. As I mentioned earlier I live in a rural area, therefore I have not been successful in finding a PA to shadow. This has been the driving force that has hit home and made me realize what a great asset a PA would be in the rural community in which I live. As a child, I was inspired by the healthcare professionals that cared for me and I found myself drawn to their personalities and the healthcare field. They demonstrated genuine concern for my well-being. Having been the recipient of this great compassion, I desire to return this compassion to others. From those early experiences I have known that I am destined to work in the healthcare field. The journey I will take to accomplish sharing my passion and caring for others will certainly be one that will strengthen my knowledge and give me the ability to provide the patient care needed in our area as a PA. I strongly believe, given the proper education and training, I will fill a need in my local community, make a positive difference in the lives of others and ultimately contribute significantly to our society. I look forward to all that lies ahead in my journey as a PA. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
delco714 Posted October 4, 2010 Share Posted October 4, 2010 No I will not. Nice first post. Here I wrote this "story", didn't know what they wanted, so read it. Why don't you google ps writing services and just pay someone to write it for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
just_me Posted October 4, 2010 Share Posted October 4, 2010 Hello and welcome to the PA forum! Soooo OP you will find that people are starting to get tired of "will you read my PS" posts but instead of ignoring them they post anyway... I would suggest instead if asking complete strangers (who may or may not know what they are talking about) to read it....maybe it's best you get a professional editor or utilize your writing center at school. I found my English professor to be quite helpful as well as an admissions director for a limited access program. You can also try reading other posts here--there is a great one with tips on writing your PS and such. Sorry I couldnt be more helpful but it is a general rule of mine not to read PS...typically I wont even click on a thread with one but I noticed a response and wanted to read it...glad I did. I had a chance to invite a newbie to the board, and hopefully you wont think we are all mean :-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marilynpac Posted October 5, 2010 Share Posted October 5, 2010 There's an article about writing a PS on the website studentdoctor.net. I think it's titled "before you write your personal statement" you can substitute MD for PA and medical school for PA school. I noticed the OP hasn't shadowed a PA, I wonder if she called her state PA assoc and asked for a list of PAs who shadow...She may have to drive but it would be worth it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Royal Flush Posted October 5, 2010 Share Posted October 5, 2010 I won't really dissect major problems with your statement. Any university center, or even a community college writing center will help you out for FREE and will most likely be better. Just remember, don't let the critique-er write your paper and blindly agree with them on everything they say. Avoid unnecessary adjectives. Don't use conjunctions. Sound natural but not too informal, meaning don't write this with thesaurus.com open in the other tab. The only reason I am doing this is because my freshman English professor over the summer was the king of grammar nuts. My good buddy and I were the only people who made A averages. Oddly enough, I want to take him for the second half of English this summer even though his course was pure torture! Either way, I've become a bit of a grammar nut as well and it annoys me to see these mistakes. Take out the "young" in the first and second paragraphs, its unnecessary. "Was always in the forefront of my mind" - sounds un-natural "Wasn't" - Formal papers don't use conjunctions "During my high school years, as I was preparing for college" - Take out the preparing for college part or the during my high school years. Its unnecessary information " I thought maybe I would be a doctor and even a brain surgeon" - A Neurosurgeon is a specialization of an MD. I don't need to explain why this is an odd sentence. Also, use proper terminology, you didn't come this far to lose an interview due to a poor personal statement. "With such a wide variety to choose from, I had my work cut out in trying to decide which one would be the right fit for me." - Cheesy statement in the "I had my work cut out". Don't use colloquial sayings. Did your work really get cut out? "How great it would be to study the brain and how it controls the whole body and how the body reacts when the brain does something it is not supposed to do." - You don't want to think out loud in the paper. The whole sentence irks me. " I also entertained the idea of nursing, but my heart told me otherwise." - Entertain - Colloquialism. Why did you decide against nursing? Hopefully you can write about how you wanted to get more in depth in the field of medicine since nurses certainly get patient interaction but don't bash nurses at all... Don't bash any profession in the PS, just write why you chose to aspire to become a PA. If you're going to put things like "I thought about being a physician.... but no." then the whole sentence is unnecessary. " I narrowed it down to physician or physician assistant and choose my college major as biology. " - Narrowed WHAT down? Pronoun needs to refer to a noun in the sentence. - "choose my major as biology" - You possibly "Decided to become a biology major" or "Chose to pursue a degree in biology" "As I continued to contrast and compare physician to PA, I began to see how beneficial a PA is to the medical community. I feel the role of PA is a vital part of the medical field and I am more inspired than ever to be one of the first PA’s in my community. " - "contrast and compare physician to PA" <- this is like saying "I drove car to supermarket and I saw dog", I hope you see what is missing. "Role of PA is a vital part..." - What is the role of a PA and why are you interested in filling this role in? Also, "The role of A PA" This is just like "I drove car to supermarket"... "I drove THE car to THE supermarket and I saw A dog" " I spend time shadowing with a general practitioner as well as our local ambulance service." - "I have spent time shadowing a general practicioner" "our local ambulance" - who is our? "as well as my local ambulance service" is the correct wording. "As a child" - Are you a child right now? Don't use "as" here. In fact, don't jump through time! No time travelling! You're a child, you're a high schooler, you're a senior, you're a child again! Keep on one chronologically correct structure. " I thought that was pretty cool" - Please don't use "cool" like this... Or "pretty" for that matter. Cool was not beautiful, don't use colloquialisms. "I began to realize how complex the body is and was completely amazed how the body worked. " - Cliche cheesy statement. Try to avoid words like "complex" in terms of adjectives and "amazed" as a reaction to something. Its almost as bad as saying "I'm fascinated with the body/medicine/green technology". "Fortunately, I outgrow this disease too" - Wrong tense! "I outGREW"! " miss-fire" - misfire Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Royal Flush Posted October 6, 2010 Share Posted October 6, 2010 Misspelling, colloquialisms "Pretty cool... Work cut out", conjunctives, stay in the same tense "As a child" - are you a child now? No you were a child in the past. Not to sound like a jerk but is English not your first language? "I narrowed it down to physician or physician assistant and choose my college major as biology" "Fortunately, I outgrow this disease too." "I had to potty on the table!" "maybe I would be a doctor and even a brain surgeon" - Neurosurgeons are specialized MDs, try to at least use better terminology. If you really want to be a PA, you should try harder than this. I would suggest taking a writing course with a tough as nails professor just for future benefit. You never mentioned anything as to why you want to be a PA vs. a Physician or a Nurse which means you have no clue what it means to be a PA. You haven't shadowed a PA which is also a huge crutch. You talk about how your heart decided against being a nurse without any reasoning why. I really think you should take a second look, reflect upon yourself and ask yourself: "Do I really want to become a PA? Do I really know what being a PA means? Do I think I have the grades to make it into any of the extremely competitive PA schools? Or did I just read an article on USNews about how being a PA is the best medical career aside from the salary." Honestly, right now, you are not PA material. There seems to be a total lack of effort on your part right now. If you really want to go into the medical field, nursing (I'm not bringing nurses down, my best friend's mom who is like my second mother and aunt are nurses) might be more up your alley. Then again, you might have a stellar GPA but you still don't know what being a PA means, or so that is what your statement says. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EMSArtist Posted October 6, 2010 Share Posted October 6, 2010 Would it be totally inappropriate to suggest a particular professional editor? She is just starting up her business, and will do the first few for free in return for a testimonial (assuming you are satisfied) did I mention she was a college writing instructor? (she might give me a stern look for this post but I've been up almost 18 hours on 3 hours sleep....) cheers! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lbmccarley Posted October 6, 2010 Author Share Posted October 6, 2010 Thanks for the input. EMAArtist, I think I will take you up on the professional editor offer. How do I get in touch with her? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lbmccarley Posted October 6, 2010 Author Share Posted October 6, 2010 Obviously, it is late! I meant to say... "EMSArtist" not EMAArtist. So sorry! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EMSArtist Posted October 7, 2010 Share Posted October 7, 2010 Here is the website- Writing Coach This is just the start of her business, and she probably has a 1 wk turnaround time at this point... HTH G Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ptbulldog03 Posted October 10, 2010 Share Posted October 10, 2010 No I will not. Nice first post. Here I wrote this "story", didn't know what they wanted, so read it. Why don't you google ps writing services and just pay someone to write it for you. Delco714! Remember this is a forum. A site where people can bounce ideas off of each other. With that type of too good attitude, you will have a hard time connecting with your future patients. If you get accepted that is! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Royal Flush Posted October 10, 2010 Share Posted October 10, 2010 I'm completely with Delco on this one. A quick google search for "CASPA Personal Statement" and I find a pretty clear and easy to follow structure/guide for writing personal statements here: http://www.lewisassoc.com/handouts/GuideForEssay.pdf There is absolutely NO information about what a PA does and NO information about why the poster would like to become a PA. Being involved in the "medical field" is about as vague as saying you want to do engineering. There are a deal of problems in the statement itself concerning grammar, colloquialisms, tone, focus, word choice, and so forth. It almost seems like the author had stopped caring about writing refinement after the ninth grade. Did they even read through this? Some of the quotes I posted above show the answer is no. Or is this really just a lazy/last minute first draft that the author wants to get re-worked, thus making a sham of the "personal" statement. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marilynpac Posted October 10, 2010 Share Posted October 10, 2010 @Ptbulldog....you are wrong. This PS is a complete do over. Even the OP admits not knowing what they're looking for. A little bit of research in the search engine of this forum would have done wonders. And to not shadow b/c there are no PAs in the area....Royal Flush has hit the nail on the head with this one. We've seen this b/f, PrePAs putting very rough drafts wanting others to do it over. Usually they don't wait until the eleventh hour...that even shocked me! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
delco714 Posted October 10, 2010 Share Posted October 10, 2010 I personally wrote my ps in an hour and from the heart. The only people that read it were from the programs I applied to. I didn't major in english, though I do have a knack for it. Pittbull I don't know whether you read the ops letter or not, b.c I don't think you would of stated what you did unless you read it. The ps had zero effort, unless you count slamming your fingers on the keyboard. And for your information I am a first yr at one of the great programs in the country and top of ny and its soon to be 26 programs. Don't diss me guy. I did my due diligence and got into PA school at 20 years old, have great medical experience, volunteering, shadowing, and 3.9 gpa included. I have helped others with their ps before. I would put as much energy into my assistance as they did writing it, which is evident in my first response. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marilynpac Posted October 10, 2010 Share Posted October 10, 2010 Congrats delco you will be one very young PA-C. I think our youngest was 20 also. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
delco714 Posted October 11, 2010 Share Posted October 11, 2010 Thank you ma'am, lol! I will be 23 as a full RPA-C (nys). If I went to a diff prog I would have just turned 23 instead of being 23 for a while. Pretty cool. Better than that is the profession, even cooler :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ptbulldog03 Posted October 11, 2010 Share Posted October 11, 2010 Wow! You must have a lot of medical experience at 20 years old. Thanks for the resume that includes your gpa. Next time I'll know who I am going against. Again, good luck with connecting with your future patients. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Royal Flush Posted October 11, 2010 Share Posted October 11, 2010 Thats quite the unwarranted potshot. Good luck assuming every hard worker is a D-bag. He said he wouldn't rewrite someone's personal statement because they put no real effort into it at all. This could be related to patient care. If someone is compliant and willing to take your advice (Lets say, lose weight for cholesterol problems. Easy enough) and shows up at their next visit five-ten pounds lighter, thats commendable and they develop a better relationship with their Physician/PA. Then there is the person who refuses to lose weight out of laziness. They do not listen to your advice and continue to practice bad habits. It should develop a rift between the physician/PA and the patient. Clearly he is just going in to get his medication refilled again... and again.... and again. This is dangerous to their health and it also brings your esteem down because you might wonder, why does my patient refuse to at least TRY my advice? Who would you rather deal with? The compliant person who makes you glad every visit, or the one who just comes in to get more medication and keeps putting himself at risk. Then, who makes the better person for society? The one that is able to rationalize or the one who refuses to budge from their views, even if many of them are fallacies? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
delco714 Posted October 11, 2010 Share Posted October 11, 2010 Plus, on a side note, in person I have a very warm personality. Pts tend to gravitate towards me.. maybe that's why I majored in psych and actually did so well in it? Maybe I really do like people and want understand them better and also help them? Hmmm. And as for experience: a good amt of quality exp is worth much much more than an overwhelming amt of ok experience. Id like to think I have the former. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marilynpac Posted October 11, 2010 Share Posted October 11, 2010 @ Ptbulldog....sarcasm is never a virtue. I had a lot of medical experience at the tender age of 20. I started working in a nursing home at 18, accepting into a nursing program at 19, and was a RN @ 21, most of that time a working student. The serious PrePA starts to do volunteer work in high school, after high school can either do cna, emt, rt,....all the while working on the prereqs. While doing the prereqs can start working on the PS, find a PA or two to shadow and include that in the PS. Yes, someone very young can indeed b/c an excellent PA b/c age has nothing to do with it. Focus, drive, determination, ability to work through, around, over, and under any obstacle that's put in front of you, and of course a lot of caring, compassion and common sense. I didn't mention age b/c age doesn't have anything to do with the qualities I just mentioned. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Andrew Rodican Posted October 12, 2010 Share Posted October 12, 2010 I know this is a little late. I think your "story" is a good one, but you use the "passive voice" and have some run-on sentences. If you need help with the interview, visit www.AndrewRodican.com You can also attend one of our Free , upcoming webinars in October, "The 5 mistakes most PA school applicants make..." Good Luck Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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