angelqt1068 Posted May 1, 2012 Share Posted May 1, 2012 The following is my first draft to my introduction. I plan to incorporate my education and experience into the second and third paragraphs. Please me five me your honest feedback. Thank you so much! Looking back, I can still hear the lily white voices of various children calling, “Angel! Angel!” My mother never seems to tire from telling the stories of how the children in her child care center always called out for me when in distress or when they simply longed to be held. Not only did my mother raise three children of her own as a single parent, but she also played a substantial role in the upbringing and lives of countless young ones who attended London Bridges Childcare. It was there, in my mother’s home-based business, that I first learned of my deep passion for caring for others. Every day before and after school, I genially assisted my mother in her daily charges; helping with food preparation, learning activities, diaper changes, and coddling the little ones when they were sick or hurt were just a few of my duties. There was once an occasion in which every child became ill with chickenpox and my mother’s center was completely shut-down for two weeks as a result. This hurt our family financially, and from that point on I was dedicated to nursing any and every sick child back to health to prevent such an occurrence from ever taking place again. I loved every moment of it—the runny noses, the coughs, and even the vomit—but what I loved most was seeing the relief and joy of a “now well” child in the form of a smiling face. It became more than apparent to me that helping people to experience this joy over-and-over again was what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Just Steve Posted May 1, 2012 Share Posted May 1, 2012 The following is my first draft to my introduction. I plan to incorporate my education and experience into the second and third paragraphs. Please me five me your honest feedback. Thank you so much! Looking back, I can still hear the lily white voices of various children calling, “Angel! Angel!” My mother never seems to tire from telling the stories of how the children in her child care center always called out for me when in distress or when they simply longed to be held. Not only did my mother raise three children of her own as a single parent, but she also played a substantial role in the upbringing and lives of countless young ones who attended London Bridges Childcare.The PS has a finite amount of room. Filling it up with details of someone else's life takes away from a chance for you to sell yourself. The whole part about your mom is exactly that. About your mom, not about you. Cut it down to "I worked at my mom's daycare and..." It was there, in my mother’s home-based business, that I first learned of my deep passion for caring for others. fluffEvery day before and after school, I genially assisted my mother in her daily charges; helping with food preparation, learning activities, diaper changes, and coddling the little ones when they were sick or hurt were just a few of my duties. There was once an occasion in which every child became ill with chickenpox and my mother’s center was completely shut-down for two weeks as a result. This hurt our family financially, and from that point on I was dedicated to nursing So you want to be a nurse? Great profession, lots of need, nothing wrong with that career. But this is PA school application. any and every sick child back to health to prevent such an occurrence from ever taking place again. I loved every moment of it—the runny noses, the coughs, and even the vomit—but what I loved most was seeing the relief and joy of a “now well” child in the form of a smiling face. It became more than apparent to me that helping people to experience this joy over-and-over again was what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. Your intro is syrup sweet. You are painting a fuzzy picture about poor sick kids who need a tissue and a hug. You're right, they do. And they need people to do that for them. It does take a village to raise a child. However, your intro just drips with the makings of a great application to nursing school. I'd much rather see what experiences you have had in your life that makes you want to be a physician assistant...A licensed health care provider who works both independently and in concert with physicians to practice evidence based medicine in all fields of medicine. Why PA? What exposure to the PA world have you had? What experiences have you had aside from the day care center that has exposed you to the practice of medicine? I suppose that may come in your second or third paragraphs as you already mentioned but your intro is the place to hook the reader. I don't want to sort through a bunch of fluff before getting to the meat. An AdCom member has a few hundred essays to read. Making their job easier is a key element in getting placed in the "invite for interview" pile. Do you have any life experience such as living outside of the US? I got the vibe that perhaps you may...maybe I'm reading too much into it, maybe not. But if the child care is the best experience you have in the world of caring for others, I think it may help you to boost up your life experience angle some. Don't forget to proof read. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
angelqt1068 Posted May 1, 2012 Author Share Posted May 1, 2012 That was EXCELLENT advice! I knew that I lingered on that topic for much too long and that my essay needed to be more concise. My problem is fitting that topic in with my healthcare experience as a health advocate, phlebotomist, and nurse's aid. I've also shadowed a couple of PA's but I just don't know in what direction to take this paper. Thank you again! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GatorRRT Posted May 2, 2012 Share Posted May 2, 2012 ....If you've been a health care advocate, phlebotomist and nurses aid, don't use your experience as a day care worker for an introduction. This definitely reads like the start of an essay for nursing school, or even an advanced daycare position. Are you aware of how PAs function in healthcare? The process of the child healing over those two weeks is what you want to write about, not how the business being closed was a financial burden. I would scrap the entire intro. If you want to use an ancedote, use an experience from the other positions you've held. Starting like this leads the reader to believe, at least initially, that your hce consists of working at a daycare, obviously not relevant experience for someone applying to go to school to practice medicine. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Corpsman2PA Posted May 2, 2012 Share Posted May 2, 2012 Please me five me your honest feedback. Thank you so much! My honest feedback? Daycares weird me out. They smell funny, there's boogers everywhere, poop on the toys, there's always a kid peeing in the corner....okay, maybe thats just my unfounded view. Anyways, I agree with the feedback you got already. I'd scrap this intro and begin the PS with something more relevant to medicine. I always say you don't want your PS to be an old lawn mower where you have to pull the cord multiple times before it gets going. You want it to be a new Camaro (or Challenger, or Prius depending on your style) where it fires right up and takes off. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Just Steve Posted May 2, 2012 Share Posted May 2, 2012 You want it to be a new Camaro (or Challenger, or Prius depending on your style) where it fires right up and takes off. Bradley fighting vehicle? Apache gunship? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Corpsman2PA Posted May 3, 2012 Share Posted May 3, 2012 Bradley fighting vehicle? Apache gunship? You should know as well as anyone how hard those military vehicles are to start!!! But I like your style...I prefer the safety and comfort of an MRAP myself... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Just Steve Posted May 3, 2012 Share Posted May 3, 2012 TaunTaun was my first choice of transportation but they really don't have a starter button per se'... but i hear they make a killer sleeping bag. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Just Steve Posted May 3, 2012 Share Posted May 3, 2012 I'm sorry for derailing your post. I just finished mid terms of my last quarter of didactic year and am in a silly mood. I'll return you back to the focus at hand... I think it's hard for us here in cyber land to give efficient feedback when we only get piece meal information. I personally think that people should give their best efforts into writing their own personal statements, perhaps with the guidance of a real flesh/blood person ie: literature tutor. Once you have gotten your complete essay and and all the info up there, THEN start looking for direction/guidance from the masses. In the current model of approach, you're giving one person a piece of your essay on Monday, another person a piece on Tuesday, another person a piece on Wednesday and without much group discussion, we are all supposed to help you build a dramatic awe inspiring PS by Thursday. If you just would have given everyone the thing in it's entirety, at the same time, you would have a much better project, sooner. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joelseff Posted May 4, 2012 Share Posted May 4, 2012 TaunTaun was my first choice of transportation but they really don't have a starter button per se'... but i hear they make a killer sleeping bag. [ATTACH=CONFIG]892[/ATTACH] "and I thought they smelled bad....on the outside.....sigh" Sorry I just HAD to....but agree w/all the critiques. When I read the first sentence I already lost interest. Sent from my myTouch_4G_Slide using Tapatalk Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.