Would appreciate feedback from anyone!

[moonsunpup]

Here's the link to my google doc and you can comment suggestions here or there. Thank you to anyone who has the time to look this over! Feel free to send me yours as well if you would like any critiques. 

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1_ZW316wdKOZZGhGFsevlFkCquERrFhxBz4SBMBQi0qM/edit?usp=sharing

[Sb123]

Just from a brief glance, the PS is very listy. Every other sentence seems to list off something and makes it harder to keep reading. Also this paragraph:

’He began to express his frustrations and spoke about his mother losing her battle to cancer a year prior, his recent diagnosis of recently being diagnosed with prostate cancer himself, and receiving an eviction notice. Another issueThe issue at check-in was his insurance coverage being inactive and hisneeding to pay out-of-pocket expense. I informed the PA about the circumstances and she did not seem bothered. She was already aware of his family situation because she always tookakes the time to get to know her patients. She knew how his insurance couldan being finicky because of how often the same issue hadit has occurred in the past, and showed me how to call and amend the issue. Within an extra 30 minutes, we had proof of his active insurance, refunded  him his payment and he was ad him seen by his provider.’

could be cut down to a couple sentences. It isn’t necessary to tell a long story that doesn’t say anything about you. 

 

[moonsunpup]

1 hour ago, Sb123 said:

Just from a brief glance, the PS is very listy. Every other sentence seems to list off something and makes it harder to keep reading. Also this paragraph:

’He began to express his frustrations and spoke about his mother losing her battle to cancer a year prior, his recent diagnosis of recently being diagnosed with prostate cancer himself, and receiving an eviction notice. Another issueThe issue at check-in was his insurance coverage being inactive and hisneeding to pay out-of-pocket expense. I informed the PA about the circumstances and she did not seem bothered. She was already aware of his family situation because she always tookakes the time to get to know her patients. She knew how his insurance couldan being finicky because of how often the same issue hadit has occurred in the past, and showed me how to call and amend the issue. Within an extra 30 minutes, we had proof of his active insurance, refunded  him his payment and he was ad him seen by his provider.’

could be cut down to a couple sentences. It isn’t necessary to tell a long story that doesn’t say anything about you. 

 

I appreciate the feedback! and see what you mean about how I list a lot. It wasn't like that at first but I needed to condense a lot to make the character count. Would you suggest I break my thoughts down more individually? Or how would you go about de-condensing my statements? Thank you for checking it out

[Patricia5827]

It’s reads like you’re restating your resume. There’s also not really any flow either 

[moonsunpup]

13 hours ago, Patricia5827 said:

It’s reads like you’re restating your resume. There’s also not really any flow either 

Thanks for your feedback. Do you mind expanding on what you mean? I'm trying to get a better sense of where to change things. I originally had a PS that was more of a timeline (which read like a resume) but my attempt at this revised one includes two stories with an overall theme that motivates me to go PA. So I am not sure what you mean by it reads like a resume and would appreciate if you have time to clarify. 

I also tried to connect each paragraph with the next, following the overall theme. What do you think would make it flow better? Thanks again!

[Patricia5827]

4 hours ago, moonsunpup said:

Thanks for your feedback. Do you mind expanding on what you mean? I'm trying to get a better sense of where to change things. I originally had a PS that was more of a timeline (which read like a resume) but my attempt at this revised one includes two stories with an overall theme that motivates me to go PA. So I am not sure what you mean by it reads like a resume and would appreciate if you have time to clarify. 

I also tried to connect each paragraph with the next, following the overall theme. What do you think would make it flow better? Thanks again!

In the second paragraph, were you volunteering while also going to classes? I was kind of confused about that because you never really state it. 

In the next paragraph, you jump to "after I graduated', and im guessing this is after you graduated from your classes? Still kind of confused here. Like someone else stated, the third paragaph is way too long and i would just cut to the chase about how the PA helped. Then you can use a bulk of the characters to describe how you witnessed the PA-patient itneraction and how it inspired you. What job role did you have here by the way? MA, CNA, ?

 

Youre essay isnt as bad as I have seen some, but its just missing a personality. Its very bland. 

[moonsunpup]

2 hours ago, Patricia5827 said:

In the second paragraph, were you volunteering while also going to classes? I was kind of confused about that because you never really state it. 

In the next paragraph, you jump to "after I graduated', and im guessing this is after you graduated from your classes? Still kind of confused here. Like someone else stated, the third paragaph is way too long and i would just cut to the chase about how the PA helped. Then you can use a bulk of the characters to describe how you witnessed the PA-patient itneraction and how it inspired you. What job role did you have here by the way? MA, CNA, ?

 

Youre essay isnt as bad as I have seen some, but its just missing a personality. Its very bland. 

Yes I worked, volunteered and had full-time semesters during the same time frame but that's stated in my resume and experiences section in CASPA so I was trying to stay away from re-stating what's already in the application. And yes I was referring to graduating from college, and also trying to minimize re-stating resume specifics.

Okay, that makes sense! I'll cut that down. I worked as an MA but I do state that in the second story for clarity. 

Again, I really appreciate your input! It is tricky finding a balance in showing what I've learned instead of telling without re-hashing the my resume- while expressing my personality. My path to PA is pretty straight forward and does not involve any epiphany moments or extreme circumstances. I'm still figuring out how to stand out. Your feedback is great!

[Patricia5827]

16 minutes ago, moonsunpup said:

Yes I worked, volunteered and had full-time semesters during the same time frame but that's stated in my resume and experiences section in CASPA so I was trying to stay away from re-stating what's already in the application. And yes I was referring to graduating from college, and also trying to minimize re-stating resume specifics.

Okay, that makes sense! I'll cut that down. I worked as an MA but I do state that in the second story for clarity. 

Again, I really appreciate your input! It is tricky finding a balance in showing what I've learned instead of telling without re-hashing the my resume- while expressing my personality. My path to PA is pretty straight forward and does not involve any epiphany moments or extreme circumstances. I'm still figuring out how to stand out. Your feedback is great!

I’d love to continue helping you, just message me