2nd draft please critique I will return favor

[lauren7409]

It is a late night in the hospital and I am assigned to draw blood on a "frequent flyer", lets call him Mr. Jones. Mr. Jones is not known for his "great personality" but accepts me to draw his blood anyway. When I am explaining why I am there he just nods with no expression, bottom line I am about to stick him with a needle and nothing I say will make it better. Afterwords, I ask him, "Is there anything I can get for you"? His eyes snap towards me with raised eyebrows. "Yes" he says hesitantly, as if no one has asked him this before. "Okay, what can I get for you"?. He answers without a moment in between "A cup of coffee with enough cream to make it your skin tone." I return with the beverage and explain, " I did my best, but I am pretty white sir" He laughs and says "It is great thank you". That night Mr. Jones passed away and finding out made me want to do more for every patient because you never know how much time anyone has. This was one of many moments that confirmed my desire to make an impact in the medical realm, as a physician assistant.

 

Being an active volunteer at a hospital, instilled the act of stewardship in me, this is why I ask that simple question to patients like Mr. Jones. There is so much hustle in healthcare, it is easy to forget that patients have more emotional needs than we recognize. Sometimes a smile or a genuine act of kindness can really turn around a person's status in the hospital. As a physician assistant you have to be their biggest cheerleader to get them through their endeavors. Although being a volunteer was both humbling and rewarding, it limited me from direct patient care and that is what prompted me to shadow physician assistants. One of my experiences included a rotation in the operating room, observing robotic bariatric surgery. Seeing the physician assistant and the physician work side by side as a team inspired me. This experience showed me that healthcare is all about teamwork, between the patient, physician and the physician assistant. Teamwork is no foreign aspect to me, given that as a phlebotomist you work independently with a team to accomplish goals. Phlebotomy plays an important role in each patient's healthcare but is often shadowed by their rank on the "totem pole". Similarly, the physician assistant's worth is demonstrated by their skill rather than their title. 

 

My diverse healthcare experience goes hand in hand with the flexibility between specialties as a physician assistant. This aspect, would give me the opportunity to impact more patients and emphasize the care aspect in healthcare. Even with my experiences I am not satisfied and would rather play a more direct role in each patient's treatment. My healthcare experience as a whole, have humbled and prepared me for the traits needed as a physician assistant .It is the patients like Mr. Jones that inspire me to reach out and take the time to listen. I remember my patients should be treated like my family and I am motivated to meet more of my family as I set out for my eventual career as a physician assistant. 

[jsaldarr]

Pretty good start! I'll just offer some of my comments:

 

• The conclusion needs a little work. I feel as if its a little abrupt, but that's fine because you have almost 2,000 characters free to write more. 
• Try to connect a little more WHY exactly you want to be a PA and how your diverse health care experience is going to prepare you for the sacrifices and dedication to become a PA. 

[lauren7409]

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Pretty good start! I'll just offer some of my comments:

 

• The conclusion needs a little work. I feel as if its a little abrupt, but that's fine because you have almost 2,000 characters free to write more.
• Try to connect a little more WHY exactly you want to be a PA and how your diverse health care experience is going to prepare you for the sacrifices and dedication to become a PA.

How did you feel about the rest of the body.

[jsaldarr]

The second paragraph and the shadowing of physician assistants and the aspect of teamwork I liked. 

Also, try to clean up the first paragraph a little bit. Someone once told me to limit the amount of dialogue in your narrative.

[Cup]

Hi Lauren,

 

Thank you for your feedback on my essay!  Here are my thoughts on yours.

 

I think you are off to a good start. You have an interesting hook, I have a sense of what would make you a good provider (you are attentive and want to ensure your patients’ comfort/happiness throughout their care; and you have experience with teamwork),  and I have a sense of why you are attracted to PA  (you want to have more authority over a patient’s care and you like the flexibility of the profession). I have a few constructive criticisms:

 

·         There were a few sentences that confused me and I think had awkward wording. I tried to reword some that confused me.

·         I also think throughout your essay you have a lot of generalized statements that can be made stronger with concrete examples or clarification. I pointed them out throughout my edit.

·         I think it sounds too informal to say “we” or “you” in personal statements, so I reworded those sentences.

·         I think the biggest point that you can expand on is something that you mentioned in your last paragraph. Which is how your healthcare experiences prepared you for the traits needed to be a PA. From reading your statement, I only understood two PA traits / personal healthcare experiences that you valued: 1) volunteering at a hospital helped you value compassion for each patient; 2) working as a phlebotomist helped you develop teamwork skills. Can you elaborate on the teamwork topic and add one more PA trait / personal healthcare experience in your statement?

 

Thanks again, and good luck!

 

It is a late night in the hospital and I am assigned to draw blood on a "frequent flyer", let’s (apostrophe ‘s’) call him Mr. Jones. Mr. Jones is not known to be personable, for his great personality but accepts he allows me to draw his blood anyway. When I am explaining  As I explain why I am there, (comma inserted) he replies with expressionless nods; (semicolon inserted) just nods with no expression, bottom line I am about to stick him with a needle and nothing I say will make it better. Afterwards, I ask him, "Is there anything I can get for you"? His eyes snap towards me with raised eyebrows. "Yes. (period inserted)" he says hesitantly, as if no one has asked him this before. "Okay, what can I get for you"?. He answers without a moment in between "A cup of coffee with enough cream to make it your skin tone." I return with the beverage and explain, "I did my best, but I am pretty white sir. (period inserted)" He laughs and thanks me. says "It is great thank you". That night Mr. Jones passed away and finding out made me want to do more for every patient because you never know how much time anyone has. This was one of many moments that confirmed my desire to make an impact in the medical realm, as a physician assistant. (The wording of the last two sentences sound awkward). (You have an  interesting anecdote to start. I think there were too many quotes that didn’t’ need to be there so I took some out to shorten the story without taking away the meaning.)

 

I always take the time to ensure patients like Mr. Jones are comfortable, even if that means asking them a simple question. Being an active volunteer at a hospital (comma deleted) instilled the act of stewardship in me. this is why I ask that simple question to patients like Mr. Jones . There is With so much hustle in healthcare, it is easy to forget that patients have more emotional needs than we providers can recognize. Sometimes receiving a smile or a genuine act of kindness can really turn around a person's status (What do you mean by status? Health status? Emotional status?) in the hospital. As a A physician assistant you have to must be their a patient’s biggest cheerleader to get them to achieve physical and mental well-being. through their endeavors (I don’t’ think ‘endeavors’ is the right word here because it makes me think of “goals and aspirations”.) (I like the focus of this paragraph. It gives the reader a sense of what kind of provider you will be.)

 

(New Paragraph) Although being a volunteer was both humbling and rewarding, it limited me from direct patient care and that is what prompted me to shadow physician assistants (This sentence makes it sound like you expected the act of shadowing to give you more direct patient care). Although volunteering was both humbling and rewarding, I felt limited with my duties. When exploring my options for professions with direct patient care, I began shadowing physician assistants. One of my experiences included a rotation in the operating room observing robotic bariatric surgery. (Wow that sounds cool). Seeing the physician assistant and the physician work side by side as a team inspired me (inspired you how / to do what? Inspired you to work on a team?). This experience showed me that healthcare is all about teamwork, between the patient, physician and the physician assistant (You kind of described how the physician and PA work as a team, but I don’t understand how a patient is part of the teamwork?). Teamwork is no foreign aspect to me (period). As a phlebotomist, (comma inserted), I work (worked?) you work independently with a team (I’m not sure how you can work “independently with a team”, it sounds contradictory) to accomplish goals (“accomplish goals” sounds very vague.. maybe “to optimize patient care?” and I think this statement would be stronger with  a concrete example of how you work well independently or as a team). Phlebotomy plays an important role in each patient's healthcare but is often shadowed by their rank on the "totem pole". Similarly, the physician assistant's worth is demonstrated by their skill rather than their title. (I don’t really understand what you are trying to convey with the last two sentences.  It seems like you are saying that the importance of the phlebotomist skill is overlooked because of their title and you say that this is similar to a PA…. But then you say the PA’s worth is demonstrated by skill rather than title? So Im confused because it seems like you’re saying opposite things)

 

My diverse healthcare experience goes hand in hand with the flexibility between specialties as a physician assistant. This aspect (comma deleted) would give me the opportunity to impact more patients and emphasize the care aspect in healthcare. (can you give a quick example of how you would be able to “impact more patients” and “emphasize the care aspect” as a PA that can switch between specialties?) Even with my experiences I am not satisfied and would rather play a more direct role (What do you mean by “a more direct role”?) in each patient's treatment. My healthcare experience as a whole, have has humbled and prepared me for the traits needed as a physician assistant. It is the Patients like Mr. Jones that inspire me to reach out and take the time to listen. I remember my patients should be treated like my family and I am motivated to meet more of my family as I set out for my eventual career as a physician assistant.