Personal Statement - First Draft; Not Complete

[gopherpig]

Could I get some feedback on my PS? This is nothing close to finished - I've just started a zillion intro paragraphs without actually getting anywhere because I'm having a tough time with the flow and organization. Personal statements are a big weak point of mine, so I am appreciative of any honest feedback. Mainly - is the flow uncomfortable and are the focuses of the paragraphs off-putting? Again, I'm not finished so it just kind of drops off at the end - still working on it. 

Thanks!

 

 

As I place the tubes of serum into my rack, I wonder about their history. Many individuals will have touched these tubes by the time they arrive at my laboratory bench, but the release of each result will impact one life - that of its owner, the patient. Consider my role in the healthcare team as the patient specimen line cook, preparing and caring for the samples just so in order to produce the most reliable end product. This position suits me well, efficiently following procedures and maintaining organization and focus to monitor each moving part. Large volumes of specimens are moved in on a daily basis and vital data is extracted from a small amount of fluid, which intrigues me, but I long to hear their stories.

 

Each story is different and though they remain a silent mystery to me here, years earlier I had the opportunity to get to know one. Growing up, working in our plethora of family businesses was simply expected and while my parents were pleased to find I had learned responsibility, I discovered the customers piqued my interest. Once a year, an elderly couple would stay at our small motel to visit the very hospital that I work in now. The wife was ill, but her strength made her appear perfectly healthy. They loved to chat about their children and their home state with pride, and it was easy to smile just listening to them share. Once in awhile, she would describe her feelings of pain and he would escort her back to their room for rest. Annually, it was sad to see them go, but we knew they would always return until one summer they did not. As I heard of her passing, I thought of her warmth and sincerity, and as time went by more customers passed through leaving part of their stories along the way.

 

It was through the story of another young man visiting my small town for a clinical rotation that I was introduced to the Physician Assistant (PA) profession. I listened to him with interest, and further exploration led to shadowing a PA in endocrinology. This coincided with the endocrine tests I currently run in the laboratory, which allowed enough background to have a scientific understanding, but here the science was overpowered by the stories. Hormones are small with big impact and this was felt by the first patient as he described his increased lethargy, absent appetite, and significant weight loss. The symptoms are heard regularly, but I observed as the healthcare team listened, felt, and talked with the patient. As he cringed describing his pain, his wife held his hand and could feel that it was not merely a story, but someone’s reality.

 

Feeling drawn to working on the patient side of the healthcare team, the phlebotomy program allowed me to become the one collecting the serum.

 

[UGoLong]

Not sure what "annually," means in paragraph 2.

 

I think you need to introduce us to you in this. Your essay is about the only place you can talk about something else besides grades and test scores. Make the reader want to meet you and see if you are a good fit for his program.

 

Thus far, it is apparent that you can tell a good story. 

 

Good luck!

[paproof]

I like the idea behind the introduction, but the execution could be better in order to keep the reader interested.  I know this draft isn't final by any means, but be sure you make the reader aware that you know what a career as a PA entails.