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1st draft.


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This is my first draft. My direction for this PS is to give them a glimpse of how I want to be as a PA and the steps and experiences I have acquired to conclude it. So give me all the constructive criticism. I welcome it. 

 

One afternoon of carelessly playing with my dolls was disrupted when I seen my mother, drenched in blood, frantically running into the house leaving behind a trail of blood. I ran after her bursting in tears, as a normal child would after seeing such a scene. My aunt was at her side calming my panicked mother. I ran to her and asked repeatedly what happened, but was pushed aside as my aunt and mother headed back outside and entered a car. It wasn’t until the next day I discovered that my mother had lost the baby.

The image, memory, my inability to aid my mother, and lack of quality care in the Philippines have been my foundation and primary exposure to health care. As a child raised in the less fortunate part of Stockton, CA, I was often exposed to the barbarity and lack of health care the city has been inflicted with. From there, my motivation to become a Physician Assistant has stemmed from the desire to provide individuals living in underserved areas with the utmost comfort and quality care they truly deserve.

I started college with the firm assurance of wanting to enter the healthcare field. With so many options, I began to explore every aspects of it. I signed up to all healthcare clubs and a co-ed community service based fraternity, Alpha Phi Omega. My sophomore year I was balancing two jobs, overloading units, and holding an administrative VP position for my fraternity. My grades slightly declined, and my studying skills went awry. At the same time, my confidence in obtaining a healthcare career was slowly diminishing. I was mentally and physically exhausted and not to mention, lost in a dream I once thought I wanted.

It wasn’t until I started interning at St. Rose Hospital that I was exposed to Physician Assistants. After learning the role and flexibility they have in the healthcare field, I rekindled my aspiration. From then on, I redirected my ways to catering to my future career. I dropped one job, reconstructed my studying skills, changed my major, and obtained as many hands-on clinical experiences as possible.

During the remainder of my undergraduate years, I volunteered for Asian American Donor Program and interned for American Heart Association. I was given the opportunity to work with the underserved populations and learned about community health. After graduating from college, I did volunteer work at a gynecology office and thereafter obtaining a job as a Direct Care Staff (DCS) at an ICF/developmentally disabled-nursing and Medical Assistant at an Urgent Care.

As a DCS, I worked with individuals that needed total care. After caring for them, I came to the realization that these individuals are often stifled. Not only do they fall in the underserved demographics, it is additionally difficult finding a physician or PA that are willing to work with them. As a PA, I endeavor to care not only the underserved, but individuals who are mentally delayed. My goal is to provide ease in the difficult process of finding a provider.

As a Medical Assistant at an Urgent Care, I uncovered the profession’s spontaneity. Working alongside PA’s and Physicians has provided me with the ability to think on my toes and foresee what tests will be needed. There were many patients coming in with varying ailments with no clean cut solutions, but working as a team, the PA’s and other clinicians were able to figure it out. As a PA, I don’t endeavor to know everything, but to offer the best of my ability and never neglect to ask for help.

In the course of finding the PA profession, I solidified my leaderships skills through various experiences, which is of importance as a PA. I have poured my heart into my job as a direct care staff and medical assistant, just like the PA’s I have shadowed. My hopes as a PA is to establish a trusting relationship with my patients in order to understand them better. Moreover, it will allow me to provide them with the quality care they need and a more satisfying experience as a physician assistant.

 
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No acronyms - ever.  Your first paragraph is not captivating.  I'd pass over this essay, look more closely at the rest of your packet and look for a reason not to interview you.  Then I would move on to the next in the pile. 

 

Rework it.  Distingush yourself.  Nothing here does. 

 

G
 

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I also like your introductory paragraph, but it still needs some rework to draw attention. Maybe add more details about how it impacted you after seeing your mother in that condition or how your mother dealt with it and how you helped her overcome this adversity. As far as your rest of the essay is concerned, I felt like I was just reading a resume with a dash of your intent to become a PA. However, at no point, did you mention about the job profile of a PA, a specific PA that you shadowed, or even a patient encounter and how a PA dealt with it that inspired you to become a PA. Include more specific examples.  

 

Also, if I were you I wouldn't bring anything about grades and how the school and work was mentally and physically challenging unless you then talk about how you made it into a positive outcome (which you did), but I feel that is something that could be explained in an interview if asked. If your grades show an upward trend, it speaks for itself. They will see that you have two jobs in your CASPA. My 2c. 

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As a DCS, I worked with individuals that needed total care. After caring for them, I came to the realization that these individuals are often stifled. Not only do they fall in the underserved demographics, it is additionally difficult finding a physician or PA that are willing to work with them. As a PA, I endeavor to care not only the underserved, but individuals who are mentally delayed. My goal is to provide ease in the difficult process of finding a provider.

As a Medical Assistant at an Urgent Care, I uncovered the profession’s spontaneity. Working alongside PA’s and Physicians has provided me with the ability to think on my toes and foresee what tests will be needed. There were many patients coming in with varying ailments with no clean cut solutions, but working as a team, the PA’s and other clinicians were able to figure it out. As a PA, I don’t endeavor to know everything, but to offer the best of my ability and never neglect to ask for help.

In the course of finding the PA profession, I solidified my leaderships skills through various experiences, which is of importance as a PA. I have poured my heart into my job as a direct care staff and medical assistant, just like the PA’s I have shadowed. My hopes as a PA is to establish a trusting relationship with my patients in order to understand them better. Moreover, it will allow me to provide them with the quality care they need and a more satisfying experience as a physician assistant.

 

 

^^^ "difficult finding a physician/PA that will work with them" i think you should add, "due to....." to explain why, and how you will tackle this why as a future provider. without it, this part of the essay can come across as a little naive.

 

the previous posters have given plenty of good advice. i agree that there needs to be less re-hashing of your resume (they will see on CASPA much of what you wrote here) and more WHY.

 

this is a good rule of thumb that helped me: let every single sentence have a purpose, explaining your drive to become a PA.

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You have some good ideas, and your narrative is headed in the right direction.

 

1. The opening story is relevant information but I would shorten it- it's too dramatic for a personal narrative. 

 

2. You went straight from "lack of quality care in the Phillipines" to "raised in Stockholm California" which is confusing

 

3. "It wasn’t until I started interning at St. Rose Hospital" --> no contractions 

 

4. In general, I can see your heart and passion coming through with some of your sentences, but as a reader they are drowned out by the resume- summarizing sentences, which I glaze over. Remember that the schools will essentially have your resume, and what they are looking for is your heart and passion. So work on making "As a PA, I endeavor to care not only the underserved, but individuals who are mentally delayed" ideas stronger, and a little less about the fact that you had positions in service fraternities or medical assistant jobs 

 

¡Buena suerte! 

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