ttchopper Posted September 1, 2011 Share Posted September 1, 2011 This is my 2nd draft after a PA helped me with it. I hope it's much better now. Thank you very much for all your help. === “Stop being a doctor”. This is what my charge nurse said to me one night at my nurse aide job at a nursing home. She responded so after one of the patients complained of stomach ache, prompting me to ask her repeatedly for help. The said patient normally does not have stomach ache, which had me concerned. Eventually, the nurse gave the resident Maalox, but what she said to me only affirmed my desire to become a physician assistant (PA). Even though her remark hurt me, it assured me that there dwelled the sincerity and desire in me to bring people to health. It was during my time volunteering at Hurley Medical Center in 2004 that I learned about the profession of physician assistants. Science and biology have always been my favorite subjects throughout high school, so volunteering at Hurley allowed me to explore whether medicine was for me. Working in the emergency room, my tasks were to bring meals to patients, empty laundry bins, and transfer blood samples to the laboratory. It may not sound like much, but the time spent at Hurley showed me that given the chance, the field of medicine will be a promising endeavor to pursue. My time there has provided me invaluable advice on pursuing medicine as a career by talking to PAs, nurses, and physicians. I learned that medicine is about providing good, comfortable caregiving as it is about the correct medical treatment. After graduating from Kettering University, acquiring my Master’s degree in Biomedical Engineering in 2007 was the next step after being unable to secure engineering employment. This was done in an effort to utilize my Bachelors degree in the medical field. As part of my graduate education, my thesis advisor assigned that my Master’s thesis be conducted on a research topic that would fulfill my curiosity for medicine: the use of ultraviolet light to treat inflammatory skin diseases, such as psoriasis. My thesis was eventually published in a journal. Upon graduation, I worked for two medical device companies. Working as a biomedical engineer, it was my hope to work and collaborate with physicians to meet their medical device needs. However, the positions at the companies were temporary, leaving me unemployed early 2009. Upon much self-reflection and research, engineering would not allow me to satisfy my desire to work directly in medicine. In spite of being unemployed twice, it is the best thing that happened to me as it gave me time to ponder my future. Looking back at high school, my mistake was not exploring in-depth my career choices and proceeded into engineering due to the automobile industry posing to be a promising career field then. It was in 2009 that my career transitioned from engineering to medicine. To ensure that this new career suited me, I started job shadowing several PAs in the summer of 2009. To gain hands-on medical experience, my Certified Nurse Aide (CNA) job since November 2010 has aided in enhancing my interpersonal skills through interactions with patients and my team-player skills by working with other CNAs and nurses. Working at the nursing home solidified my determination to become a PA. Gradually over time, I grew fond of the patients placed under my care. It was disheartening to see some of the long-term patients at the nursing home, not having their relatives visit them. At most, all the CNAs could do was to give them the best care that we can offer and interact with them with the utmost kindness. Frequently if a patient was in pain, all one can do was inform a nurse, helpless in alleviating the patient’s pain. A good example was an overly-obese woman, who had severe bedsores all over her body and Clostridium difficile infection. Being her aide only once still left me with an unforgettable experience due to the intense pain she suffered as me and a fellow CNA bed-bathed her that day. She was admitted to the hospital afterwards after we reported her severe conditions to the charge nurse. A few days later, she inadvertently passed away to my great dismay. In review, my career path had been uncertain in leading me until recently. After my experiences through volunteering, job-shadowing, and working as a CNA, my desire to become a PA has never been stronger. In turn, I have just as much to offer in augmenting the health of those in need of healing. My diverse and extensive background as an engineer, researcher, and healthcare professional has provided me the maturity, academic aptitude, and compassion to succeed as an effective and concerned physician assistant. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Corpsman2PA Posted September 1, 2011 Share Posted September 1, 2011 This is my 2nd draft after a PA helped me with it. I hope it's much better now. Thank you very much for all your help. === “Stop being a doctor”. This is what my charge nurse said to me one night at my nurse aide job at a nursing home. She responded so after one of the patients complained of stomach ache, prompting me to ask her repeatedly for help. The said patient normally does not have stomach ache, which had me concerned. Eventually, the nurse gave the resident Maalox, but what she said to me only affirmed my desire to become a physician assistant (PA). Even though her remark hurt me, it assured me that there dwelled the sincerity and desire in me to bring people to health. This left me kind of scratching my head...She said stop being a doctor and you decided, "okay i'll be a PA then" post-maalox disbursement? Just seemed a little confusing that's all... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alleycat Posted September 2, 2011 Share Posted September 2, 2011 The said patient normally does not have stomach ache, which had me concerned. The ----> She okay, this is what is not smooth for me in your PS...you start with cranky nurse/cna paragraph, and then several other paragraphs of employment/unemployment, then you sort drift into why you choose PA as the medical field of choice. remember that the adcoms have your employment/unemployment history at their elbows as they read...I have to struggle to bring together all the pargraph points to understand why it is a PA that you want....and not very strong understanding at that. okay, next jolt I get after reading all of stmt is WOW masters degree in BioEngeneering w/2 job experiences and then working as a CNA?? I get the rotten economy and lack of jobs...but the status differential between these two begs an explaination...although briefly. I liked your persistence as cna for the Maalox Lady dispite nurse...liked the compassion you describe for morbidly (not overly-) obese lady w/c. diff & expiring. in your employ/unemploy paragraphs try to down-write those and substitute inner feelings....did you feel a calling toward the bio side more than engeneering side??? job satisfaction...was cna more fulfilling than higher status bioeng. job?? try to find an idea or theme that ties together your paragraphs, focuses on becoming a PA (you said you shadowed them....how did that work out for youJ???)...and concludes with final decision to become PA. and to all who read this....will somebody please take pity on me and tell me how to 'make those pretty blue quote bubbles?? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Just Steve Posted September 2, 2011 Share Posted September 2, 2011 and to all who read this....will somebody please take pity on me and tell me how to 'make those pretty blue quote bubbles?? I thought you just reply with quote and they pop up...I won't know if I am right until I post this though. To the OP...the good news...you have longevity of being around medicine, you have been through tough academic times, you have smelled the odor of GI bleeds...it brings you a good deal of "street cred". I bet you have what it takes to at least land an interview or two. The bad news...your PS reads like you plastered it to paper via a shotgun. Just a mixed up, randomly placed hodge podge of experiences and examples that turn into a struggle to read. I pushed on to read through but it was not a pleasure. Personally..I'd skip that whole first paragraph about the nurse barking at you and passing Maalox. It paints a negative picture around the nurse and doesn't really add much to your story. The AdCom already knows you are committed to PA school because 1. you are applying 2. no need for more reasons. Everyone and their pet dog has some "I am really dedicated to being a PA" story and 99.5% of them are lackluster. By knocking out the pre reqs and getting into position to apply shows intent. Working as a CNA and volunteer experience show that you are doing some due diligence. Find a better flow. I see some great potential but it's still a collage of things and not very clear. I personally am a sorta linear guy..I like starting with the past and bringing events forward to present time but there are different styles. Just pick one and go with it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ttchopper Posted September 2, 2011 Author Share Posted September 2, 2011 Thank you, alleycat. I guess I'll hold back on my employment history and sequence of events, and focus much more on the transition from engineering to CNA/medicine. i know it's going to be a big issue at interviews. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IdahoPA Posted September 2, 2011 Share Posted September 2, 2011 I'll second or third that the first paragraph was puzzling at best; I'd delete it entirely. The flow has already been addressed, so I'll just add to be cautious of sentence length. Some of your phrases are pretty long. Try reading them out loud to say what a mouthful they are. I like your second paragraph, while the next two don't do much at all. I feel you could sum them up in about a sentence, then move on. Also, they're a bit depressing with the unemployment woes. It seems like you have a lot of good experiences. Why not focus on that positive? I don't know how to say this, but the way it's written now makes it seem your "career path" was more of a passive one: got a BS in Eng, couldn't get a job so got a Masters, that wasn't working out so I did something else. Own your choices! It's perfectly fine that you weren't born knowing, "I wanna be a PA!" Good luck!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ttchopper Posted September 7, 2011 Author Share Posted September 7, 2011 Thank you for all your advice so far. I have revised it and come back with this draft. Things I've changed: - reworked the first paragraph about my charge nurse and her remark, I really like the story and want to get the adcomm really interested from the start - pretty much eliminated paragraphs 3 and 4 about my academic and employment/unemployment history sequence, which seems negative, into one paragraph before focusing back to things I've done toward applying to PA programs - wrote a paragraph on my PA shadow experience Please review it for me again. Thanks again. === It was a remark made by my charge nurse to me one night at my nurse aide job that affirmed my desire to be a physician assistant (PA). A nursing home patient was complaining of her stomach ache and I asked the nurse what could be done for the patient. The patient normally did not have stomach ache, which had me concerned. At first, the nurse told me not to worry about it. Curious, I asked her several questions on what might be the cause of the stomach ache since my goal was to be a PA. She got irritated with me and told me to stop acting like a doctor, trying to diagnose the cause. Even though the remark hurt me, it assured me that I possess the sincerity and desire to bring people to health. It was during my time volunteering at Hurley Medical Center that I first saw PAs in action. Science and biology have always been my favorite subjects throughout high school, so volunteering at Hurley allowed me to explore whether medicine was for me. Working in the emergency room, my tasks were to bring meals to patients, empty laundry bins, and transfer blood samples to the laboratory. It may not sound like much, but the time spent at Hurley showed me that given the chance, the field of medicine will be a promising endeavor to pursue. My time there has provided me invaluable advice on pursuing medicine as a career by talking to PAs, nurses, and physicians. I learned that medicine is about providing quality, comfortable caregiving as it is about the correct medical treatment. In spite of being educated as an engineer and working as one, I always had a strong affinity toward working in the medical field. Looking back at high school, my mistake was not exploring in-depth my career choices and went into engineering prematurely. In addition to volunteering at Hurley, I also wrote my Master’s thesis on the use of ultraviolet light to treat inflammatory skin diseases. Moreover, I took many science classes in graduate school due to my fascination for science and the human body. To ensure that this new career suited me, I job shadowed several PAs, while later working as a Certified Nurse Aide (CNA). One central thing that I observed from shadowing several PAs was that they all took the extra time with exceptional concern to examine patients. I loved the way they asked their patients many questions and explained to them in detail things that they did not understand. One occupational health PA named Karl Wagner was commented happily by his patients for explaining to them how their drugs work and their side effects. This particular trait fits me exactly as I have a knack to answer others’ questions with more information than they usually get. Meanwhile, working as a CNA had greatly aided in enhancing my interpersonal skills through interactions with patients. In addition, my team-player skills had been augmented by working with other CNAs and nurses in meeting patients’ needs and safety. Working at the nursing home solidified my determination to become a PA. Gradually over time, I grew fond of the patients placed under my care. It was disheartening to see some of the long-term patients at the nursing home, not having their relatives visit them. At most, all the CNAs could do was to give them the best care and interact with them with the utmost kindness. Frequently if a patient was in pain, all one can do was inform a nurse, helpless in alleviating the patient’s pain. A good example was an overly-obese woman, who had severe bedsores all over her body and Clostridium difficile infection. Being her aide only once still left me with an unforgettable experience due to the intense pain she suffered as me and a fellow CNA bed-bathed her that day. She was admitted to the hospital afterwards after we reported her severe conditions to the charge nurse. A few days later, she inadvertently passed away to my great dismay. In review, my career path had been uncertain in leading me until recently. After my experiences through volunteering, job-shadowing, and working as a CNA, my desire to become a PA has never been stronger. My diverse and extensive background as an engineer, researcher, and healthcare professional has provided me the maturity, academic aptitude, and compassion to succeed as an effective and concerned physician assistant. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Corpsman2PA Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 A nursing home patient was complaining of her stomach ache and I asked the nurse what could be done for the patient. The patient normally did not have stomach ache, which had me concerned. This still throws me...do some people normally have stomach aches? Here's what it makes me think of..."A Marine was shot one time; this Marine normally wasn't shot, so it had me concerned." See where it trips me up? I feel like there would be more flow if you combined the second and third sentences somehow. "I was concerned one night with a patient who had acute abd pain...etc..." Its ultimately your writing though, and it could be that I'm just getting stuck on the little things. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Just Steve Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 What throws me is that you keep giving this nurse/stomach ache situation so much credit. If one little incident can get you so hell bent on being a PA, then another incident can get you derailed just as easy. Right now you are thinking "you're wrong Steve" and that's ok, I may be. But the whole scene reminds me of my little kids when they watch somebody ride past on a horse and immediately start begging me for a pony. Now if I take them to the stables, get them some lessons, they land a job mucking stalls then I'll be much more inclined to buy them that pony. But I am betting my last dollar the first time a horse craps in front of them they will have no desire to be responsible for one. My point is that you have gotten that metaphorical job mucking stalls. You've had a few riding lessons. Let the longevity of working in medicine come through that cemented your desire to continue as a PA. Giving this nurse all the credit makes you sound like you are going to be her boss some day out of spite, not out of desire to be a medical provider. If you are really hell bent on bringing this belly pain to the interview with you, then I'd wrap it up in a package that was fairly micro...something along the lines of "there have been a number of things that re affirm that I am on the right path, from the joy I receive while assisting patients with activities of daily living to being a patient advocate even when my immediate supervisor doesn't immediately agree with me. Taking care of people is what I love and I look forward to expanding and developing my role in medicine". Everyone who has ever been employed for six or more weeks has at least a half dozen stories of "I was right, they were wrong and I'm gonna hold a grudge" story. Your story ain't got nothing spectacular about it and only brings a negative energy to your write up. I'd seriously reconsider including it unless you have killer GPA and a few thousand hours of HCE. With a solid GPA and strong HCE you can write an essay that says "they will never find the bodies of the people I couldn't save" and probably land an interview at least. Well..maybe not that dark, but you get the idea. keep working at it...the good news is that you have experience. That is a leg up on the competition right there. Now just show your experience is more than bickering with a nurse, but rather it's about being a patient advocate. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Corpsman2PA Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 Of Note: That is the first time i have ever heard of horse crap used as a metaphor. But its dead on. To the OP, just think: if we're all struggling with your opening paragraph, how much more so will an Adcom? Better to iron it out here before-hand. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Just Steve Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 Of Note: That is the first time i have ever heard of horse crap used as a metaphor. I was channeling part father, part Colonel Sherman T. Potter of the 4077 and his horse, Sophie. I am sure the good Colonel implanted some part of that train of thought. sad part is there is a large population of this forum who probably don't know who Colonel Potter or the 4077 are. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ttchopper Posted September 8, 2011 Author Share Posted September 8, 2011 Got it. I'll remove the 1st paragraph then and develop a little more other parts of the PS. Thanks. How about the rest of the essay? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Just Steve Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 The rest of it is a collection of scattered thoughts/experiences that form a soup for a personal statement. It's all in there but the presentation is lackluster, lacks zip or punch, and makes the reader stop and think about what they just read and try to form something out of it. You need to serve it up constructed with a much improved flow. Right now I think you could muster up a spot on the "maybe interview pile". If you rework that essay some more you can probably land on the pile you want to be on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alleycat Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 TTchopper. interesting handle, there. okay. I'm in agreement with all on #1 paragraph and glad you have been badgered into remediating it. I must say, I've been away a few days, and your re-write is very good, heads and shoulders over that 1st re=write. okay here'r my contributions..think most of them are word nuances & usage. One occupational health PA named Karl Wagner was commented happily by his patients for explaining to them how their drugs work and their side effects. This particular trait fits me exactly as I have a knack to answer others’ questions with more information than they usually get. I'd drop wagner, use just Karl...it's a little more top drawer IMHO. One occupational health PA named Karl Wagner was commented happily by his patients for explaining to them how their drugs work and their side effects. This particular trait fits me exactly as I have a knack to answer others’ questions with more information than they usually get. commended often by.... Gradually over time, I grew fond of the patients placed under my care after a short time. the 'gradually over time" gave me the impression of an initial time when you were definately NOT fond of them. A few days later, she inadvertently passed away to my great dismay. inadvertently: accidently, not intended. a better word I suggest would be unexpectedly...or unfortunately. as said, overall your revision is greatly improved. shows hard and thoughtful work. alleycat Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Corpsman2PA Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 I was channeling part father, part Colonel Sherman T. Potter of the 4077 and his horse, Sophie. I am sure the good Colonel implanted some part of that train of thought. sad part is there is a large population of this forum who probably don't know who Colonel Potter or the 4077 are. We should start calling you Radar... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Just Steve Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 Much rather be Hawkeye or Klinger. Those two had the most fun Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NavyDoc24 Posted January 13, 2012 Share Posted January 13, 2012 I was channeling part father, part Colonel Sherman T. Potter of the 4077 and his horse, Sophie. I am sure the good Colonel implanted some part of that train of thought. sad part is there is a large population of this forum who probably don't know who Colonel Potter or the 4077 are. Well if it makes you feel any better I was 2 when this came on the air but I know what you are talking about. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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