Unfinished first draft- would like advice on direction and flow!

[tommyding]

I know this isn't a finished draft yet but I'm unsure about the flow and direction of my essay. I plan on another 2-3 paragraphs on the PA profession(diagnosis/treatment) and why I plan on pursuing it. Any critique on the current state and suggestions would be helpful!

 

 

“Biopsy!” Yelled the attending physician as the endoscope’s camera revealed a pooling of undigested food blocking the gastroesophageal junction of my little sister’s esophagus. As my fellow medical assistant rushed to grab the biopsy forceps, I desperately clung onto Caitlyn’s lower jaw, stabilizing and holding it in place, while frantically looking back and forth between the endoscope camera and her calm and lifeless face. Nearby objects and unrecognizable voices began to fade into the distance. The next thing I knew, I was alone with her in the recovery area, holding onto her hand with tears rolling down my face. Almost a year has passed since that eventful day and I still vividly remember how helpless I felt as I stared across the procedure room in horror at the large white pool of white material revealed on the procedure room.

 

My sister was diagnosed with achalasia, a condition in which the muscles of the lower esophageal sphincter are unable to relax, causing difficulties for entry of food into the stomach. Fortunately, due to the quickness and precision of the diagnosis, she was able to make a full recovery after surgery, during which a piece of the sphincter muscle was cut off and the blockage was relieved. She quickly gained back the 20 pounds she had lost during her time of illness, and I make sure it’s there every time I hug her.

 

In the prior 5 months before that eventful day, I was perfectly content working as a gastroenterology surgical assistant. Being immersed in the healthcare world, the words responsibility, compassion, focus and composure changed from muddy concepts into memorable actions. I proudly served alongside doctors, PAs, and nurses who worked selflessly and tirelessly together as a cohesive group day in and day out. We aimed to provide speedy and quality healthcare to a tremendous but also underserved Asian population that currently resides in Flushing, New York. Being with such an experienced and fearless medical team, I was shown by example the way to succeed in the face of adversity. I was able to conquer my nerves and fears and overcome my beginner mistakes, similar to how I fought back from a 2.1 freshmen GPA to finish my undergraduate years consistently on the Dean’s list.  

 

In the recovery area, I was compelled to make sure every patient completely understood the results of their procedures and safely left the facility with assurance and ease, despite my battles with social anxiety. In the procedure room where a few seconds can have a tremendous impact on the outlook of an sedated and ill patient, I quickly learned to multitask, prioritize, and master instruments as if they were a third hand. I recall one emergency endoscopy procedure when we discovered a large chicken bone deeply entrenched in an elderly male’s bloody esophagus. The bone was too large to retrieve using regular biopsy forceps, and the attending physician quickly had the nurse manager scrambling into the storage rooms looking for larger forceps in a newly established ambulatory surgical center that was lacking in supplies. With time being of the essence, I quickly deliberated and made the call to bring out a medical clip normally used to achieve hemostasis. With the attending physician’s approval and the instrument in hand, I was able to assist in breaking the bone in half and later safely retrieve both pieces, ultimately saving the patient from a lot of further pain and complications.

 

Working as a medical assistant has been truly a rewarding experience, and I thought that often as I fell asleep on the bus rides home, completely spent after a 10 hour and 40 procedure shift and knowing that I had made a positive impact to my community. The experiences not only made me believe in compassion and hope, but it also made me believe in myself. Whether being severely undermanned or faced with a new illness during a procedure, I learned that I had so many higher gears to shift into that without the role models surrounding me, I did not dare to try before. After my intimate experience with my sister’s condition, I knew that in order to make a larger impact with my life, it was time to expand my medical knowledge and move forward with my career. This would ultimately guide me to pursue a career as a physician assistant. 

[paproof]

You don't mention wanting to become a PA until the last 2 words of your personal statement.  The purpose of this essay is to tell the reader WHY you want to be a PA...

[Heart 4 Health]

Your story of your sister is compelling, but I too was wondering how it tied into you wanting to be a P.A. (as the other reply noted).  Also, I would consider re-arranging and condensing the story of your sister in the essay, and possibly deleting the 2nd paragraph in its entirety (I didn't see the importance of it). It seems that you tell your sister's story, then talk about the previous 5 months, and then move on to present time. It's just hard to follow.

I would suggest looking over your statement, and for each paragraph think about how this event/experience aids you in reaching your goal to be a P.A. and how it benefits you in your future career, as well as for your future patients (as noted in the pinned post).  For example, "I proudly served alongside doctors, PAs, and nurses who worked selflessly and tirelessly together as a cohesive group day in and day out." can be restated to be "As I serve alongside various clinicians, who work together as a team on a continuous basis, I have learned the importance of teamwork and how each individual role can have a significant impact on the overall outcome of the patient."  Yet, this brings up another question, why not M.D., D.O., N.P, etc.?

[tommyding]

Thank you for your input! I've revised my essay many times and I'm almost ready to submit. There was alot of things I had to cut out because I was about 1000 characters over the limit. Hopefully this version answers the prompt better than the previous.

 

 

“Biopsy!” yelled the attending physician as the endoscope’s camera revealed a white pool of undigested food blocking my little sister’s esophagus. As my fellow surgical assistant rushed to grab the biopsy forceps, I desperately clung onto Caitlyn’s lower jaw, stabilizing and holding it in place. While I frantically looked back and forth between the endoscope camera and her calm and lifeless face, nearby objects and unrecognizable voices began to fade into the distance. Before I knew it, I was alone with my sister in the recovery area, helplessly holding onto her hand as tears trickled down my face. Little did I know that it would be this experience that would ultimately catapult me into pursuing a career as a physician assistant.

My sister was diagnosed later that day with achalasia. This condition causes the muscles of the esophageal sphincter to remain tense, causing difficulties for entry of food into the stomach. Fortunately, due to the quickness and precision of the diagnosis, she was able to make a full recovery. A month later, Caitlyn underwent laparoscopic surgery in order to remove a piece of the muscle and relieve the blockage. She quickly gained back the 20 pounds she had lost during her time of illness, and I make sure it’s there every time I hug her.  

In the 5 months prior to that eventful day, I was perfectly content working at the Flushing Endoscopy Center as a gastroenterology surgical assistant. As I immersed myself in the world of patient care, the words responsibility, compassion, focus and composure changed from muddy concepts into memorable actions. I proudly served alongside doctors, PAs, and nurses who worked selflessly and tirelessly to provide speedy and quality healthcare to a tremendous but also underserved Flushing population. They showed me how to succeed in the face of adversity and instilled in me the courage and perseverance to conquer my nerves and fears and overcome many beginner mistakes. These were positive traits that I had desperately lacked when I stumbled through my freshmen year of college with a 2.1 GPA.

In the recovery area, I was compelled to make sure every patient completely understood the results of their procedures and safely left the center with assurance and ease. In the procedure room where a few seconds can have a tremendous impact on the outlook of a sedated and ill patient, I quickly learned to multitask, prioritize, and master instruments as if I have used them my whole life. I recall one emergency endoscopy procedure when we discovered a large chicken bone deeply entrenched in an elderly male’s bloody esophagus. After several failed attempts, we realized the bone was too large to retrieve using regular biopsy forceps. The attending physician quickly had the nurse manager scrambling into the storage rooms looking for better equipment. With time being of the essence, I deliberated and made the call to bring out a medical clip normally used to achieve hemostasis. With the attending physician’s approval and the instrument in hand, I was able to assist in breaking the bone in half and later safely retrieve both pieces, ultimately saving the patient from a lot of pain and further complications.

After my intimate experience with my sister’s condition, I knew that in order to make a larger impact in the healthcare field, I needed to expand my medical knowledge and move forward with my career; this led me to take special interest in the diagnostic and treatment portion of the healthcare profession. In addition to assisting with surgeries, I began to take on extra responsibilities such as scribe work. This allowed me numerous opportunities to converse with physicians and PAs about treatment planning. Instead of simply waiting for instructions, I would often challenge myself and raise questions upon finding an illness what the best route of treatment would be. “That seems like a very superficial ulcer, would you prefer 2 weeks or 4 weeks of medication?” “Do those cobweb structures indicate a possible Helicobacter Pylori infection?” It was at this point in my life that I began shadowing PAs, became well-acquainted with their role in healthcare, and immediately fell in love with the profession.

As a PA, I would be able to work autonomously but if needed, have the ability to consult with a physician at any time. The career of a PA is also more flexible, allowing concentration on only the healthcare portion of the practice as well as having more time outside of work to focus on family. With the experiences that I’ve had in both the surgical healthcare field and my personal life, I hope to one day combine my passion for helping people and my love for medicine to become a surgical PA. I will never forget how I felt with my sister back in my arms, healthy and cured, and I am now ready to take the next step and pass that feeling on a thousand-fold. I am ready to fulfill the role of a medical provider, a leader, a part of a team, and a man of responsibility. 

[Disciple3]

As someone who has struggled with a low GPA, I would not express it that way in my statement.  I would lean towards saying you werent as mature before this event and didn't perform as you shouldve at the beginning of your college career.  dont mention a GPA number unless it's a good one.  One thing that bugs me a little about this is just how much you use the story with your sister.  It is important to include, but I feel like it dominates the essay when the essay needs to be centered around why/reasons you will make a good PA.

[Cup]

I agree with the previous commenters about an over-emphasis on the story about your sister. I think If you remove the second paragraph, you'd have room to improve the content of your essay with more detail about your PA shadowing experience or the qualities you’ve gained from your PCE. A few of your sentences were a bit wordy so I tried to make them more concise; it cuts down on a lot of characters. I hope I helped. Good luck!

 

“Biopsy!” yelled the attending physician as the endoscope’s camera revealed a white pool of undigested food blocking my little sister’s esophagus. As my fellow surgical assistant rushed to grab the biopsy forceps, I desperately clung onto Caitlyn’s lower jaw, stabilizing and holding it in place. While I frantically looked back and forth between the endoscope camera and her calm and lifeless face, nearby objects and unrecognizable voices began to fade into the distance. Before I knew it, I was alone with my sister in the recovery area, helplessly holding onto her hand as tears trickled down my face. Little did I know that Caitlyn’s diagnosis of achalasia it would be this experience that would ultimately catapult me into pursuing a career as a physician assistant (PA).

 

My sister was diagnosed later that day with achalasia. This condition causes the muscles of the esophageal sphincter to remain tense, causing difficulties for entry of food into the stomach. Fortunately, due to the quickness and precision of the diagnosis, she was able to make a full recovery. A month later, Caitlyn underwent laparoscopic surgery in order to remove a piece of the muscle and relieve the blockage. She quickly gained back the 20 pounds she had lost during her time of illness, and I make sure it’s there every time I hug her.  (this paragraph serves to give more context of your sister’s situation, but I don’t see how it adds to the story of why you want to be a PA – I suggest you delete it)

 

In the 5 five months prior to that eventful day, I was perfectly content working at the Flushing Endoscopy Center as a gastroenterology surgical assistant. As I immersed myself in the world of patient care, the words responsibility, compassion, focus and composure changed from muddy concepts into memorable actions. I proudly served alongside doctors, PAs, and nurses who worked selflessly and tirelessly to provide speedy and quality healthcare to a tremendous but also the underserved Flushing population. They The practitioners showed me how to succeed in the face of adversity and instilled in me the courage and perseverance to conquer my anxiety nerves and fears and overcome many beginner mistakes. These were positive traits that I had desperately lacked when I stumbled through my freshmen year of college with a 2.1 GPA. (this is a really sudden and brief mention of your poor grades; if you’re going to mention them at all, I would do more to explain how you overcame your issues with poor grades instead of vaguely explaining what happened. Otherwise, don’t mention it at all)

 

In the recovery area, I was compelled to make sure every patient completely understood the results of their procedures and safely left the center with assurance and ease. In the recovery area, I gave every patient a comprehensive explanation of their procedural results. I felt compelled to make sure that they left the center with an assured understanding of their treatment. In the procedure room, (comma inserted) where a few seconds can have a tremendous impact on the outlook of a sedated and ill patient, I quickly learned to multitask, prioritize, and master instruments as if I have used them my whole life. I recall one emergency endoscopy procedure when where we discovered a large chicken bone deeply entrenched in an elderly male’s bloody esophagus. After several failed attempts to retrieve the bone, we realized the bone it was too large to retrieve using for regular biopsy forceps. The attending physician quickly had The nurse manager quickly scrambled scrambling into the storage rooms looking for better equipment. With time being of the essence, I deliberated and made the call to bring out a medical clip normally used to achieve hemostasis. With the attending physician’s approval and the instrument in hand, I was able to assisted in breaking the bone in half and later safely retrieving both pieces, ultimately saving the patient from a lot of immense pain and further complications. (this is a fantastic example to have in your essay)

 

After my intimate experience with my sister’s condition, I knew that in order to aimed to make a larger impact in the healthcare field, I needed to by expanding my medical knowledge and moving forward with my career. (period inserted in place of semicolon) This led me to take special interest in the diagnostic and treatment portion of the healthcare profession. In addition to assisting with surgeries, I began to work as a scribe take on extra responsibilities such as scribe work. This My second job allowed me numerous opportunities to converse with physicians and PAs about treatment planning. When presented with an ill patient, I challenged myself to offer possible diagnoses and treatment options to the practitioners before simply waiting for their instructions. (does this sound too pretentious? not sure)  Instead of simply waiting for instructions, I would often challenge myself and raise questions upon finding an illness what the best route of treatment would be.  “That seems like a very superficial ulcer, would you prefer 2 weeks or 4 weeks of medication?” “Do those cobweb structures indicate a possible Helicobacter Pylori infection?”

 

(new paragraph) It was At this point in my life, that I began shadowing PAs, became to become well-acquainted with their role in healthcare, and immediately fell in love with the profession. As a PA, I would be able to work autonomously but if needed, have the ability to consult with a physician at any time. The career of a PA is also more flexible, allowing concentration on only the healthcare portion of the practice (as opposed to what?) as well as having more time outside of work to focus on family (what makes you say this? From shadowing both doctors and PAs? I’m just pre-PA, but after reading a few comments on PA forums, I’m not sure how much of this over-stated sentiment is true).

 

(new paragraph) With the experiences that I’ve had in both the surgical healthcare field and my personal life, I hope to one day combine my passion for helping people and my love for medicine to become a surgical PA. I will never forget how I felt with my sister back in my arms, healthy and cured, and I am now ready to take the next step and pass that feeling on a thousand-fold. I am ready to fulfill the role of a medical provider, a leader, a part of a team, and a man of responsibility. 

[tommyding]

delete