ddulek06 Posted June 5, 2015 Share Posted June 5, 2015 This is my second year applying and I feel last year I reiterated my resume too much. Here is what I currently have. Any thoughtful feedback would be very helpful. While drastically different from my previous essay (this year and last year) I am still not sure I am on the right path. Thank you for your thoughts. It was 3:00am when the pager buzzed, and jolted me from the lull of an empty Emergency Department. My heart began to race as the text page began to scroll across the pager. A rush of adrenaline brought me back to reality, and I carefully prepared for the upcoming controlled chaos. Despite performing phlebotomy for many years, this was the first time I needed to perform in a critical situation. My stomach was uneasy, and I could feel sweat beginning to form on my brow. The ominous cadence of the gurney steadily increased as the ambulance staff rounded the corner for room 18. Insecurity, doubts, and fear crept into my consciousness. The ambulance staff wheeled the patient into room 18 and a fury of activity ensued. Briefly stunned by the situation and commotion I took a second to regain my composure. Once present, I realized I had a job to do and took my place amongst the team. The patient’s skin felt cold and clammy to the touch, and his face appeared lifeless. Despite the chaos of activity around me I was able to collect the blood samples I needed. Feelings of helplessness and disappointment surged as I had to leave the patient side to return to the laboratory run a gamut of tests. A burning desire to care for and treat patients was ignited inside me. This desire to help people is what eventually led me down the road of becoming a Physician Assistant (PA). My road began in a quaint town in Minnesota, where I spent my childhood. Rolling hills and the mighty Mississippi River dominated the landscape, and livestock outnumbered people 10 to 1. Lacking a healthcare facility, my family like many in rural communities, had to commute to receive our care. This problem is not unique to my childhood home, and throughout the country there is an increasing need for primary care providers. The shortage is driving change within the healthcare system, and PAs are increasingly used to bridge the gap in care. There are many reasons why I want to become a PA, but providing care to a community in need similar to one I grew up in would be immensely rewarding. Entering college with the intentions of becoming a Registered Nurse, a blessing in disguise altered my path and I eventually discovered the Medical Laboratory Scientist (MLS) program. I became fascinated with all things laboratory related, and found my niche it clinical chemistry. My current career, as a Technical Specialist, in many ways mirrors the ever-changing role a PAs play in the healthcare team. At times I am a leader acting as a role model and making challenging decisions that affect the care and treatment of the patients we serve. Other times I need to be a team member and perform routine tasks. When really complex issues arise I need to seek advice from our Directors utilizing their experience taking the opportunity to learn something new for when a similar situation may arise. The maturity to recognize when consultation is required, and being able to differentiate situations that do not will be a priceless tool as a practicing PA. In college one semester was riddle with lost and personal challenges. At the time I lacked the emotional maturity to handle the situation effectively and my grades reflect this. Since then my maturity has grown, and subsequent and similar challenges were faced with better resolve and results. My greatest accomplishment in recent years has been facing my troubled past with alcohol, and making the required changes to live a substance free life, which I have been doing for the last three years. My life took on new meaning when I met my fiance. She helped mold me into the person I always wanted to be, and I am thankful to have her full support on pursuing my dream of becoming a PA. Willingly filling the shoes his father abandoned, I have entered the role of parent for her eight year-old son Jaidyn. The satisfaction of becoming a parent is like nothing I experienced before, and while challenging at times I am proud to call Jaidyn my son. For them, I am motivated to better myself and become the best husband and father I can possibly be. To my dismay I never knew what happen to the patient in room 18, and while my work as a MLS provides invaluable information to care providers I desire to step into a different role. I would rather interpret patient test results instead of resulting them, and diagnose people instead of instruments. I miss the impact a warm smile, and caring gestures can do to a person struggling with an illness. Countless hours have been spent pondering the direction my life could take, but I always come back to wanting to become a PA. I am dedicated and motivated to start a new journey to become a PA, and feel prepared to overcome the inevitable obstacles that will be faced while training to become a PA. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Glorious_Ignoramus Posted June 5, 2015 Share Posted June 5, 2015 I will be brief, please don't take any suggestions personally. Opening statement is wordy; it is good to open with an attention getting storyline, but about 1/4 of the paragraph could be cut out without losing the story telling quality of your writing. Paragraph 2 is golden; you've explained your past academic performance without dwelling on it and kept it fairly brief. Paragraph 3 kind of sounds like you meandered your way through a couple of professions before you happened to find PA...the last paragraph confirms this thought for me. I would take this out entirely. Or, ask yourself what you are trying to communicate with this - if you are trying to describe how you found your way to PA, then condense it all to something along the lines of "after gaining clinical exposure in different contexts" or something like this. You don't want to make it sound like this is just another option on a list of professions that you are wanting to try. It is good that you are married, but after reading your conclusion, I have to ask myself: is this ps about you or your marriage/wife? Did you get yourself here or did your significant other? The closing needs some serious work; it should be the section of your narrative wherein you tie in all elements of your statement in such a conclusive way that leaves the reader satisfied, like they know a enough about you to give you a seat in the next class. My wife was an integral part of my decision making on this journey, but an adcom doesn't want to hear about my wife, they want to hear about why I chose this profession and why I am deserving of a seat. Best of luck to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iseewholewheat Posted June 5, 2015 Share Posted June 5, 2015 I agree with Glorius that your first paragraph could be cut in half and nothing would be lost. After reading this, I'm still not sure why you want to be a PA over any other health profession. I really like your second paragraph about rural health, but I would expand on why being a PA in rural health is your goal. Your last two paragraphs did not really add anything to your overall statement. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnnyM2 Posted June 6, 2015 Share Posted June 6, 2015 Personal statements are increasingly becoming an attempt to tell a story using as much dramatization as possible. OK, so you drew blood samples on, what, your 932nd patient? Big deal. It's just not that interesting and saying that single patient started you on the PA path just isn't that credible. No wonder you didn't get in the first go around. Grade problems and alcohol problems need more of your attention. Also, the part about your wife makes it seem like two lost souls hooking up, with your wife resurrecting you. Way too much info. Stick to that fact that you got married and now have a family that helps support and motivate you. You don't really say what happened to you during your first year in college or discuss the extent of the alcohol problems. You just say you grew up. You need more than that. Your writing skills are pretty good but otherwise the essay fails. Try making a list of the three most important things you want to communicate and focus on that and forget all the dramatizations. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ddulek06 Posted June 9, 2015 Author Share Posted June 9, 2015 Thank you all for the feedback, I was able to make some meaningful changes that really improved my essay. Thank you for honest criticism. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnnyM2 Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 Thank you all for the feedback, I was able to make some meaningful changes that really improved my essay. Thank you for honest criticism.Best of luck to you in your application. Sent from my KFAPWI using Tapatalk Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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