I would love some criticisms on my personal statement.

[SManzi]

    It was 8:15pm on, January 12th, 1999, when my mother came home to find me hunched over the kitchen sink drinking water from the tap. Around me was the evidence of my unquenchable thirst: a gallon of milk, two cartons of orange juice, two 12-packs of coke and a 36-pack of bottled water. My mother, a seasoned ICU nurse, knew instantly what was wrong with me.  I will not ever forget her face, twisted with fear and sadness. Her only child was incurably sick.

 

    At the hospital my finger stick didn’t register on their machines. I later found out my blood glucose as over 1,000 mg/dL. I was diagnosed with diabetic ketoacidosis and type 1 diabetes. Three days of blood work, poking and prodding was all the hospital deemed necessary to teach me what I would needed to know for the rest of my life. I was now 13, freshly diagnosed with a disease I knew nothing about. I felt scared and alone. The doctors I saw for the next few years did little to treat me as a whole, they only cared about the little numbers on my glucometer, not about the fears and frustrations that roiled in my head daily. I never wanted another person to feel this way and I knew that with my life I would make a difference somehow, but I did not know how yet.

 

    I will admit that it took me a long time to come to terms with diabetes. I had difficulty controlling my disease leading to many episodes of hypoglycemia and hyperglycemia. It took almost nine years for me to realize that I could no longer ignore my diagnosis. Near the end of that stretch of time I began seeing a new endocrinologist. He treated me like a person, not numbers on paper, he listened when I told him I was fearful. He made me want to take a more active role in my own health. His approach to my treatment followed the biopsychosocial model that I was learning about while at college. He galvanized my desire to get into medicine and to help people the way he helped me.

 

    After I graduated, it became obvious to me that I belonged in the medical field, however, my degree in psychology did not particularly lend itself well to a profession in medicine. I remedied this by taking night classes, and working towards a standard template of courses that would get me into most medical profession programs. Only one glaring problem was left for me to solve. Which profession was best for me and why? I knew I needed to experience all of the professions and see which one would fit me best, but how?

 

    In 2008, I began working at an emergency department (ED) as a way to answer that question. I watched and learned from everyone I worked with. Every nurse, technician, provider and patient could teach me something I did not previously know. I spoke with countless patients about their troubles with their illnesses and explained to them how there is always hope and time for change. I learned just as much about chronic diseases from the patients as I did the providers taking care of them. This revelation both cemented my belief in the biopsychosocial model and my need to be in medicine.

 

I interviewed countless doctors, nurses, physician assistants and nurse practitioners while I worked in the emergency department. Each profession had their advantages and disadvantages. What I found from my informal talks with each person was that I felt a growing affinity to the physician assistant (PA) than any other profession. PAs could move between disciplines and learn under the medicine model, both of which I felt were great advantages.

 

Working in a busy ER in New York has exposed me to a poor and sick population that is in dire need of better access to healthcare.  With the passing of the Affordable Healthcare Act, healthcare systems have seen a surge of newly insured patients flooding offices and emergency departments alike. The role of the PA has never been needed more than it is presently, to help provide quality healthcare to these new patients with their new or undertreated ailments.

 

My career aspirations are also guided by my own personal experiences.  Living with diabetes and working in the emergency department has emphasized to me the importance of preventive medicine.  In the ED, I see patients come in every day with ailments that could have been prevented by abstaining from smoking, making dietary changes, exercising, practicing safe sex, or following cancer screening protocols.  I believe a career in primary medicine as a physician assistant would greatly help me to achieve this goal.  It would grant me the opportunity to help my community.  Furthermore, it would allow me to be able to care for a growing diabetic population, which is vitally important to me.

 

     

Thank you for taking the time to read this. I appreciate any and all feedback. I did look over many of the critiques others got and tried to stay away from as many of the pitfalls as I could. I realize it needs some polishing. It's still a work in progress. I feel my weakest two paragraphs are 6 and 7. I was thinking of combining them in some way.

[SManzi]

Aww, not one person? I could really use anything.

[Maynard]

Okay. I'll give you some feedback. It looks good to me. You're a much better writer than most people posting here. I did catch some careless mistakes but you'll pick those up as you revise. The one line I think you need to be careful with is:

 

The doctors I saw for the next few years did little to treat me as a whole, they only cared about the little numbers on my glucometer, not about the fears and frustrations that roiled in my head daily.

 

The doctors didn't care about your fears? Maybe they were too swamped to deal with that. Maybe they didn't know how to deal with that. Revise it so it doesn't sound so presumptuous and judgmental.

 

It's not the type of narrative that's going to do extra legwork to push you up the pile (few narratives do), but it's remarkably solid and well-written and should help solidify any positive responses you get to your application.

 

My 2 cents.

[Z PA-C]

I agree with the above. Solid essay. Avoid saying very negative things about other professions as it kinda sounds like trashtalking, even if it was true. As a PA you will be working on a team sometimes with people you disagree with so try to be as tactful as possible

 

Also maybe give your title/job in the ED? You give examples of what you did at the ER but I am left wondering were you an ER tech, cna, etc.

 

Otherwise I would not change much. My personal essay had a similar layout/composition to yours and got no comments after I posted it. That is usually a good thing as it is easier to give more advice to an essay that needs more work.

[SManzi]

Thank you very much for your responses!

 

@Maynard - I was concerned with that as well, I revised the poo' out of that section and think I have the problem fixed.

 

@aiviphung - I assumed they would've looked at my CASPA prior, but we all know about assumptions. i made very simple and word count friendly corrections that I think so the issue.

[QueenEmile]

Your essay was great! I did not get bored after the first paragraph which is awesome and something the review boards are looking for... when you mention the affordable healthcare act, you could possibly mention a compassion for the underserved community..... depending on the kind of schools you are applying to, most of them really look for applicants willing to serve the community. 

 

 

If you don't mind, would any one mind reading and making any suggestions to my personal statement ! thank you !