First Time Applicant-Rough Draft-Please help :)

[ThereIsNoCryingInBaseball]

      I have posted my essay below. I would love any feedback about content and sentence composition. I still have to go through a finish spelling errors. thank you for the help in advance.    

 

 

 

 

 

             It was a cold April morning as I was in the locker room preparing to referee the U16 Girl’s National Ice Hockey Championship game. I was going through my regular pre-game routine when I received a phone call that changed the way I viewed my life forever. My grandfather has had a heart attack and was rushed into surgery for quadruple bypass. I had always considered my grandfather as a best friend He is a dedicated firefighter and hockey enthusiast and the very though that I could lose him made me re-evaluate the way I was living my life.  I was working as a film assistant for a large theatre chain, which involved the same mundane tasks of data entry day in, and day out. I believe in the philosophy of “life is too short not to do what you love,” but I had let myself veer away from this viewpoint. I was a recent college graduate with the rest of my life in front of me and it was time to make a career change, more like a complete life change. That was the very moment that I made the decision to pursue to what I always knew I should be doing, medicine.

After graduating with a BS in Kinesiology, I immediately began working full time as a film assistant and nights and weekends as a hockey referee with the goal of completely paying off my undergraduate loans within one year. I was successfully able to completely pay off the loans in 8 months. I was now debt free and knew that this was the opportunity to discover where the medical field could take me.

            I began researching different medical fields when stumbled upon the profession of a physician assistant. I had never heard of the term before and out of curiosity began researching every aspect of what the profession involved.  The more I read, the more I knew that this was the path that I needed to take. Becoming a physician assistant allowed me the freedom to diagnose and create a treatment plan for patients but still have supervision and guidance of a physician. I would be able to work side by side with nurses, techs, physicians, nurse practitioners and other PA’s to provide dedicated patient care. I also discovered that their are growing disparities of decreased primary care providers and believe that I can contribute to the correction of this issue as a physician assistant. Primary care is important because it helps prevent small problems from becoming big ones because the clinic knows their health history and is able to treat the patient long-term.

It was the fall of 2012 where I made the move to quit my day job and completely committed myself to pursing a career as a physician assistant. I spent the next year and a half completing the pre-requisite courses, shadowing and volunteering, all while working at night and on the weekends.  I knew that I had a hard journey ahead due to my low grades in my freshman and sophomore years due to lack of maturity but I knew that if I worked hard enough that I could improve my GPA. My current positive academic trend shows how I have matured over the years and how my grades have dramatically improved.

            My first experience of the physician assistant profession was when I began shadowing a family friend, who was a PA, at an internal medicine clinic. I was able to observe how she interacted with patients and other colleagues. It amazed me how much the doctor trusted the PA’s in the office to diagnose and treat patients. It did not feel that the PA’s were inferior to the physician but worked as a team all for the purpose of patient care. I continued to shadow her for 8 months and everyday I was in the office only secured the fact that I need to be in this profession. Through my shadowing experience, I gained the understanding of the level of professionalism and teamwork that is required to be successful as a PA.

            Originally, I wanted to be involved in athletics, specifically as a personal trainer. I enjoyed training athletes but I felt like there was something missing. It took me some time to discover that I was not being challenged academically. I knew that medicine could fill this void that personal training could not. Through my degree in kinesiology I learned of the many intricate movements of the body as well as the limitations and extremes of our muscles, joints and bones. After graduation I pursued a career as a sport specific personal trainer, and strength and conditioning coach with a specialty in ice hockey. I worked with athlete’s from the ages of 8 to 18, providing them with physical and nutritional guidance as they took strides towards their goals both on and off the ice. We would work together to overcome their weaknesses and enhance their strengths.

             Throughout the last year and a half I have only become more driven to becoming a PA.  I reflect each day on what qualities are important in a PA: leadership, humbleness, compassionate, great communication and passion. I have gained these qualities through my life and academic experiences. I look forward to the challenge and intensity of the PA program. I am confident that my passion for patient care, love for medicine and dedication will allow me to be successful in a rigorous PA program. I believe it is only deemed failure when you stop trying. 

[ThereIsNoCryingInBaseball]

Please any type of feedback would help

[thomeg300]

Hi!

 

You already mentioned spelling so here are my initial thoughts:

 

First go through your entire essay, sentence by sentence, and get rid of extra unnecessary words. The word 'that' is a repeat offender and although you may use it often when talking out loud or in your head, you do not need them in your writing. It takes away from your message. I had to do this a lot in my own essay.

 

Second, pay close attention to the tense you use throughout your essay. In your second paragraph you essentially say that you are already a PA: "Becoming a physician assistant allowed me the freedom to diagnose and create a treatment plan for patients but still have supervision and guidance of a physician."

 

Third: I like the idea of your introduction and showing that you had a significant event that directed you into a new career path. However, the paragraph is a little jumpy and I think would benefit from a rewrite or a better transition sentence from the story of your grandfather and how you were a film assistant at the time ... "...the very thought that I could lose him made me re-evaluate the way I was living my life.  I was working as a film assistant for a large theatre chain, which..." This is  just a little tough to follow.

 

 

Best,

[thomeg300]

You may want to check out this silly thing too: http://theoatmeal.com/comics/apostrophe

 

When I applied and interviewed last cycle, I was firmly educated on my grammar mishap found throughout my entire essay. Like you, I too wrote 'PA's' or 'Physician's Assistant', or 'Physician Assistant's.'  I was unknowingly offending the profession severely. I knew that a Physician Assistant was not the property of an MD but my writing did not show that I knew this and I see that you may have the same problem as I did.

 

PA's = bad, possessive

PAs or Physician Assistants = good, plural

[pdjags]

Ok. You need a lot of work here. And so I have no idea where to start....

 

I like the way you started. Like a story. And then, I'm not sure what happened. Besides the fact that you have some serious grammar and verb tense issues: "My grandfather has had a heart attack" vs "I had always considered my grandfather as a best friend"

 

You do not have any flow to your essay. Meaning, your train of thought seems all over the place. You talked about being a film student. Then you jumped to the fact that you "STUMBLED upon the PA profession". Really really don't like that word choice. If you are stumbling upon something, I am not sure that is a good way to convince anyone that you are all of the sudden going to be dedicated to the profession. 

 

"Becoming a physician assistant allowed me the freedom to diagnose and create a treatment plan for patients but still have supervision and guidance of a physician. I would be able to work side by side with nurses, techs, physicians, nurse practitioners and other PA’s to provide dedicated patient care". Do not tell the admissions committee something they already know. They know what PAs do. Obviously. 

 

 

"I also discovered that their are growing disparities of decreased primary care providers and believe that I can contribute to the correction of this issue as a physician assistant. Primary care is important because it helps prevent small problems from becoming big ones because the clinic knows their health history and is able to treat the patient long-term." This came out of nowhere. 

 

I would go back and "copy and paste" your paragraphs together. Put things in chronological order so that you are not constantly bouncing between years of your life and when you made decisions. 

 

Lastly, I would STRONGLY encourage you to find someone who can help you edit this. If you have a parent, sibling, cousin, or friend that was an English major - ask for their help. Stay on this thread and read other essays! Especially the ones that have lots of comments or those entitled "final essays". Those essays are probably good examples where individuals have spent a large amount of time writing and editing.

 

I hope I am not being too harsh, but you need to find some direction with this essay. 

[ThereIsNoCryingInBaseball]

Thank you so much for the advise. It was not too harsh, it is exactly what I need :)