Caspa Narrative aka my worst enemy

[paplease783]

Could someone please review my personal narrative? I am hitting a wall, and desperately need a fresh point of view!

 

I kneel on cement with my hands covering my face. I breathe slowly, thankful for the stillness. Just 15 minutes earlier, I found my older brother surrounded by pills, unconscious on the bathroom floor. A receipt lay beside him with the words “Don’t resuscitate” sprawled across it in black ink.  My heart beat saturated my ears, and everything beyond the point of my father’s initial shouts was white noise. Everyone was frantic, but for me time slowed. I escorted my little brother to his room, and then grabbed the phone. After describing each medication, I sprinted for the door. I stood on the street corner waiting for an ambulance. My body rattled from my sudden release of grief combined with the chill of winter air. I knelt on the ground and calmed myself. With every breath, I felt my calling envelope me. From this day forward, I felt an extreme desire to make myself knowledgeable on all things medical. This feeling has led me here.

 

Serving others has always given me peace, but the path by which I would do so in my professional life was unclear. Volunteering at disadvantaged schools and nursing homes in high school fueled my passion to find a profession that would give me such a sense of fulfillment. After my brother’s attempted suicide, I began volunteering at a hospital. The staff constantly gives me opportunities to witness procedures and help with patient care. I spend my time helping apply casts, restraining patients, performing EKGs, cleaning wounds, escorting patients and ensuring patient comfort.  Additionally, I have witnessed pelvic exams, chest tubes, central lines, suturing/stapling, rectal exams, overdoses, conscious sedation, gastric suction, and death.

 

I was first introduced to the role of a PA while volunteering. I loved the easy way she talked to her patients, the level of autonomy she possessed, and the time she allotted to each patient.  After seeing this, I dove deeper and began shadowing an internal medicine and orthopedic PA. Their collaboration with doctors and nurses was inspiring, and allowed me to see the true meaning of teamwork. Additionally, having the ability to work in multiple areas is enticing. I want to work where I am needed, and the flexibility of a Physician Assistant degree will allow me to do so.

 

While trekking through this medical journey, I have pushed myself to grow in my educational and personal life. Because I started taking college courses at 16, I am able to take classes outside of my degree plan and still graduate early. I have taken classes such as Sociology, Ethics, and Nautical Archaeology. Additionally, I was able to spend a year developing a butterfly lab. I spent hours of one-on-one time with a professor who pushed me to continue my medical journey. She taught me the meaning of hard work, and guided me through my research project. Having a professor as a teacher, life mentor, and friend was an eye opening experience. Though I have a passion for the medical field, I believe the world has so much to offer and I want to immerse myself in it. Expanding my knowledge in this way has given me a different mindset and allowed me to gain maturity which will benefit my patients.

 

 In my personal life, I worked on finding different ways to serve my community. As a freshman, I was accepted into a service organization called Class Councils. Through my years with Class Councils, I developed leadership skills which enabled me to receive a job as a Resident Advisor. As an RA, I worked on enhancing my ability to connect with those who are different than me. I dealt with students who were suicidal and students who were unsure of their path in life. Being an RA opened my eyes to the diversity of people in this world and how to help them. My experiences as an RA have given me the confidence I need to face difficult patients. I will always remember being asked to sit with a hostile patient whose ammonia levels were elevated. She had repeatedly tried to pull her IVs out. It calmed her to have someone listen to her story, and she finally gave up on her quest to remove the IVs. I was proud of myself for being able to connect with her, but I wanted more. As I left that night, I felt confident I had chosen the right profession. In the future, I will be able to not only listen to my patients but heal them.

 

Becoming a Physician Assistant is not easy, but I love a challenge, especially when the end result is so rewarding. My experiences developing leadership skills as a member of Class Councils, fine tuning my social skills as an RA, and broadening my understanding of medicine as an ER volunteer and shadow have all prepared me for life as a Physician Assistant. I feel confident that with training, I become an outstanding PA. The human body is a delicate machine. Physician Assistants have a way of caring for it so completely, it is almost impossible to believe human hands are the root of such healing. I want to be the cause of someone’s healing. I want to be a Physician Assistant. 

[Guest KRJames]

Okay, it's not bad.... but you are a little guilty of the "restating your resume" trap. I know, it's so hard to make the narrative everything they want while avoiding the pitfalls they don't want. Maybe someone else will have something more constructive, but for me the "restating your resume" theme really stuck out. This made it seem kind of dry, and I'm only reading yours today, not tens or hundreds like admission committees.

[paplease783]

Thank you so much for your feedback! I will definitely try to get myself out of the "restating" rut!

[nguim21]

I think you should grab the readers attention with your line...a receipt lay beside him.  It will get people to want to know what the receipt was about and who the person was.  Also, what happened to him.  I know it's personal, but if you're going to use it...state what happened (whichever way it turned out) and maybe elaborate more on how this drove you to serve others/help others and choose one example that stands out in your mind.  Everyone's volunteered, everyone's got experience, what sets yours apart?  

Just a few thoughts. 

[pdjags]

Your first paragraph had me glued to the screen!!!! Except the weak final sentence "From this day forward, I felt an extreme desire to make myself knowledgeable on all things medical. This feeling has led me here."

 

But then, I quickly lost interest....

 

How and why did you suddenly jump from such a personal experience to, "Serving others has always given me peace, but the path by which I would do so in my professional life was unclear." Transitions are one of the most important aspects of an essay. And there was ZERO transition here. 

 

You grabbed my attention again when you started talking about your time as an RA and learning to connect with others. Go with that some more. Or how you were able to connect with an actual patient. Rather than list off your work responsibilities or how "amazing" a shadowing experience was. 

 

You need to connect your train of thought here! Your awesome intro literally has nothing to do with your conclusion.  Take a step back and figure out how to connect the two, without stating the obvious (ie your work responsibilities and the duties of a PA).