Rough Draft - Criticism Welcome!

[triguy18]

Treading water with 2500 other nervous athletes at the start line of Ironman Lake Placid in July 2013, I was anticipating the long day ahead: A chaotic 2.4 mile swim, followed by a challenging 112 bike leg, and ending with a grueling 26.2 mile run, my body about to be pushed to its physical limit. As the day wore on, something else happened to me as well, something less expected. Nearing complete exhaustion, my mind began to shed all the walls, defenses, and justifications that have built up over the years, most of which I didn’t even realize were there. In such a condition you can learn who you really are and what you truly value in life. It was in this state, at Ironman Lake Placid, that I realized I did not find my life fully satisfying and became determined to reach my potential in a meaningful way. The sheer enlightenment of the experience moved me to tears after crossing the finish line, and played a major role in directing my life toward the pursuit of physician assistant studies.

 

At the time I had been working in the veterinary field for nearly six years, and I realized it was this facet of my life that most needed changing. However, I didn’t want to leave everything behind; there were many aspects of being a technician assistant I enjoyed. Working in medicine fit my interests and strengths well, and I thrived in the fast paced environment, where every day was different and no two patients were exactly alike. Yet I found myself feeling unfulfilled, and it took an overwhelming experience at Ironman for me to begin to figure out why. While I enjoyed working with animals, it’s impossible to fully connect with them on a human level. The strongest memories from all my years providing veterinary care involve the owners; whether it was sharing their joy over a favorable outcome or comforting them when they brought their beloved pet in for the last time. I realized I belonged in human medicine. I also realized I was feeling unfulfilled because I was capable of much more than was being asked of me. As a technician assistant I often felt underutilized. I love the science behind medicine, and I find the problem solving nature of diagnostics fascinating. Rather than observe the process, I want to be a more active part of the team, and as a physician assistant I would have the increased responsibility, along with the personal patient contact I crave.

 

Becoming a PA would also give me the opportunity to explore areas of interest in the medical field I have developed over the years. Being an endurance athlete means demanding a lot of your cardiovascular system. In preparation for races like the Ironman I read countless articles on the subject and how it related to my training, and the more I learned the more fascinated I became. Orthopedics is another field closely related to my lifestyle, as it is a very common reason for an athlete to seek medical care. Given my background I would be uniquely sympathetic of many patients’ concerns, and would be passionate about getting them healthy and back to doing what they love. So it was no surprise when I took anatomy and physiology courses in the spring of 2014 that these two subjects were among my favorite topics. I am excited about the prospect of learning even more, and am positive I would love a career as a physician assistant.

 

While I was completing my journey to the Ironman finish line, it turns out I was beginning another one toward becoming a PA. The lessons I’ve learned from triathlon have made me more prepared for the rigors of the profession than I would have been immediately after graduating college. Delicately balancing life, work, and training for the swim, bike, and run has taught me excellent time management skills. Waking up at 5:00am on a cold and rainy day for a run requires strong determination and self-discipline; qualities that will serve me well not only in PA school, but also as a working medical professional. I know what it takes to put in the hard work required to achieve a goal that at times seems extremely far away, as I have been doing it for years. With my dedication, passion for patient care, and love of medicine, I feel I am prepared to become a great physician assistant.

[triguy18]

Forgot to mention, looking to submit in the next couple days as the rest of my application is ready to go, so even just a thumbs up or down would be helpful! Thanks!

[Topsy]

I really like the first 2 paragraphs. They are thoughtful and well-formulated; the writing is lucid and overall well developed, and you paint a really good picture of who you are - determined, dedicated, and hard working. But is that enough? The last 2 paragraphs left me disappointed. They felt like a rushed afterthought. I'm not convinced why PA and not some other field. 

[triguy18]

Thanks for your reply. I too was concerned I didn't do enough to explain why PA vs. MD, etc., it seems to be a common problem on these boards. I slid this in between paragraphs 2 and 3 (ending #2 with "...active part of the team." now), and I feel it actually helps #3 flow better:

 

 

As a physician assistant I would have the increased responsibility, along with the personal patient contact, that I crave. In my experience, both while shadowing in hospitals, and as a patient, I have found physicians to be somewhat rushed, while PAs tend to have more time for each patient. I want to provide more personalized care for patients, not just treat them. This is why physician assistant is my ideal role on a medical team.

[DiggySRNA]

I have found physicians to be somewhat rushed, while PAs tend to have more time for each patient. 

This can be applied to both professions. I shadowed 2 MDs (internist and surgeon) and a PA (internal med) and all spent an average of 15 minutes with each patient. You also don't want to bad mouth MDs...without them, our profession would be futile.  A lot of people encourage staying away from a statement like that because it is overused in personal statements.

 

Focus on why the uniqueness of the PA profession attracts you without sounding superior. 

[Topsy]

I wholeheartedly agree with umbPA. Instead of bad mouthing the other professions, do you best to vividly highlight why PA:

 

What did you encounter as a patient of a PA? was the PA quick with a smile, explained procedures clearly without talking down to you, or remembered that you were training for the Ironman and asked how you did?  

 

Or what did you see while you shadowed? did the PA sit with the patient during the visit, so she appeared less rushed and it put the patient at ease? did the PA impress you with the breadth of knowledge? 

 

I'm sure if you personalize it enough so your interactions with PAs, it will be as thoughtful as the beginning of your statement. And it's not necessarily that you have to address why not MD/NP/RN, etc. It's more like you have to really emphasize why PA so then the thoughts of "why not" won't even creep up on the reader.

[triguy18]

Great advice, thank you both! Here is my new draft (I like it much better with the changes):

 

 

Treading water with 2500 other nervous athletes at the start line of Ironman Lake Placid in July 2013, I was anticipating the long day ahead: A chaotic 2.4 mile swim, followed by a challenging 112 bike leg, and ending with a grueling 26.2 mile run, my body about to be pushed to its physical limit. As the day wore on, something else happened to me as well, something less expected. Nearing complete exhaustion, my mind began to shed all the walls, defenses, and justifications that have built up over the years, most of which I didn’t even realize were there. In such a condition you can learn who you really are and what you truly value in life. It was in this state, at Ironman Lake Placid, that I realized I did not find my life fully satisfying and became determined to reach my potential in a meaningful way. The sheer enlightenment of the experience moved me to tears after crossing the finish line, and played a major role in directing my life toward the pursuit of physician assistant studies.

 

At the time I had been working in the veterinary field for nearly six years, and I realized it was this facet of my life that most needed changing. However, I didn’t want to leave everything behind; there were many aspects of being a technician assistant I enjoyed. Working in medicine fit my interests and strengths well, and I thrived in the fast paced environment where every day was different and no two patients were exactly alike. Yet I found myself feeling unfulfilled, and it took an overwhelming experience at Ironman for me to begin to figure out why. While I enjoyed working with animals, it’s impossible to fully connect with them on a human level. The strongest memories from all my years providing veterinary care involve the owners; whether it was sharing their joy over a favorable outcome or comforting them when they brought their beloved pet in for the last time. I realized I belonged in human medicine. I also realized I was feeling unfulfilled because I was capable of much more than was being asked of me. As a technician assistant I often felt underutilized. I love the science behind medicine, and I find the problem solving nature of diagnostics fascinating. Rather than observe the process, I want to be a more active part of the team.

 

As a physician assistant I would have the increased responsibility, along with the personal patient contact, that I crave. In my experience, both while shadowing in hospitals, and as a patient, PAs seem to have more time for each patient, while also demonstrating an impressive breadth of medical knowledge. One PA in particular has been instrumental in directing me toward the profession. My wife’s PA, whom she sees for cancer follow ups, has been a major part of our lives for three years. Aside from making sure she receives stellar medical care, he always takes the time to ask about her life; how her parents are doing, how her career is going, and how I am doing, even though I’m not even his patient. This is the kind of personalized attention I want to provide for people as part of a collaborative medical effort. I want to care for patients, not just treat them. This is why physician assistant is the ideal role for me.

 

While I was completing my journey to the Ironman finish line, it turns out I was beginning another one toward becoming a PA. The lessons I’ve learned from triathlon have made me more prepared for the rigors of the profession than I would have been immediately after graduating college. Delicately balancing life, work, and training for the swim, bike, and run has taught me excellent time management skills. Waking up at 5:00am on a cold and rainy day for a run requires strong determination and self-discipline; qualities that will serve me well not only in PA school, but also as a working medical professional. I know what it takes to put in the hard work required to achieve a goal that at times seems extremely far away, as I have been doing it for years. With my dedication, passion for patient care, and love of medicine, I know I am prepared to become a great physician assistant.

[Topsy]

I made some notes in bold. Overall, that simple change in paragraph 3 really clinches it. Very nice job. I made a few changes - some stylistic, some punctuation, and changed a thing or 2 because they read a little awkward/passive. But it was really great! I really liked it: short, simple, direct. Your writing is very good.

 

Treading water with 2500 other nervous athletes at the start line of Ironman Lake Placid in July 2013, I was anticipating the long day ahead: a chaotic 2.4 mile swim, followed by a challenging 112 bike leg, and ending with a grueling 26.2 mile run. My body was about to be pushed to its physical limit. As the day wore on, something else happened to me as well - something less expected. Nearing complete exhaustion, my mind began to shed all the walls, defenses, and justifications that have built up over the years, most of which I did not even realize were there. In such a condition you can learn who you really are and what you truly value your real priorities are in life. It was in this state, at Ironman Lake Placid, (unnecessary - we already know you're there) that I realized I did not find my life fully satisfying and became determined to reach my potential in a meaningful way. The sheer enlightenment of the experience moved me to tears after crossing the finish line, and played a major role in directing my life toward the pursuit of physician assistant studies.

 

At the time I had been working in the veterinary field for nearly six years, and I realized it was this facet of my life that most needed changing. However, I did not want to leave everything behind; there were many aspects of being a technician assistant I enjoyed I enjoyed many aspects of being a technician assistant (active intead of passive). Working in medicine fit my interests and strengths well, and I thrived in the fast paced environment where every day was different and no two patients were exactly alike. Yet I found myself feeling unfulfilled, and it took an overwhelming experience at Ironman for me to begin to figure out why. While I enjoyed working with animals, it is impossible to fully connect with them on a human level. The strongest memories from all my years providing veterinary care involve the owners, (comma, not semicolon) whether it was sharing their joy over a favorable outcome or comforting them when they brought their beloved pet in for the last time. I realized I belonged in human medicine; I also realized I was feeling unfulfilled because I was capable of much more than was being asked of me. As a technician assistant I often felt underutilized. I love the science behind medicine, and I find the problem solving nature of diagnostics fascinating. Rather than observe the process, I want to be a more active part of the team.

 

As a physician assistant I would have the increased responsibility, along with the personal patient contact, that I crave. In my experience, both while shadowing in hospitals (remove comma) and as a patient, PAs seem to have more time for each patient, while also demonstrating an impressive breadth of medical knowledge. One PA in particular has been instrumental in directing me toward the profession. My wife’s PA, whom (are you sure it's whom? I think it might be just who...)she sees for cancer follow ups, has been a major part of our lives for three years. Aside from making sure she receives stellar medical care, he always takes the time to ask about her life; our lives: how her parents are doing, how her career is going, and how I am doing, even though I am not even his patient. This is the kind of personalized attention I want to provide for people as part of a collaborative medical effort. I want to care for patients, not just treat them. This is why physician assistant is the ideal role for me.

 

While I was completing my journey to the Ironman finish line, it turns out I was beginning another one toward becoming a PA. The lessons I have learned from the triathlon have made me more prepared for the rigors of the profession than I would have been immediately after graduating college. Delicately balancing life, work, and training for the swim, bike, and run (this part reads awkwardly to me. Perhaps "Delicately balancing life and work while training for the triathalon - swimming, biking, running - )has taught me excellent time management skills. Waking up at 5:00am on a cold and rainy day for a run requires strong determination and self-discipline, (comma, not semicolon) qualities that will serve me well not only in PA school, but also as a working medical professional. I know what it takes to put in the hard work required to achieve a goal that at times seems extremely far away, as I have been doing it for years. With my dedication (I would consider substituting determination for dedication; I think that word suits you better), passion for patient care, and love of medicine, I know I am prepared to become a great physician assistant.

 

 

 

[triguy18]

Thank you so much for all of your help! I did a lot of searching just now and from what I can tell "whom" is correct there, but that is certainly a tough rule to get straight! I implemented most of you other changes and just submitted the application. Thank you again!

[Topsy]

Oh! I thought whom was only used after a preposition! Good to know. Good luck to you!