Help Please. I know it needs work all suggestions appreciated :-)

[Delle303]

“What are you going to do when you graduate?” I cringed countless times at this question. I would reply with “I don’t know” or “travel”. Each reply was met with a half hearted smile unsure of how to respond. I was embarrassed. I knew I was hardworking and capable of performing successfully in classes like organic chemistry, but I lacked direction. As many of my peers pointed their gaze towards wall street or medical school, I opted for adventure. Seeking to experience alternative perspectives and culture, I juggled multiple jobs in order to save enough money to travel.

 

In 2012, with little more than a fifty liter backpack, I boarded an airplane for Moscow. Over the course of a year I traveled around the world with no definitive itinerary. In each country I visited, I learned about cultures, met challenging language barriers, and made valuable friendships. It was also along my journey where I learned, first hand, that quality medical care is scarce in many places around the world. 

 

While trekking through a remote jungle in Southeast Asia I badly injured my leg, splitting open and breaking my foot. It suddenly dawned on me, I was light-years away from medical attention. A local man named Tao heard my cry for help. He assisted bandaging and cleaning my leg. Tao invited me to stay in a bungalow with his family until I recovered. However, living amongst unsanitary conditions, it was not long before I contracted a serious infection requiring urgent medical assistance. Sensing my worsening condition, Tao, arranged a ferry to the nearest metropolitan area where I could seek better care. I wondered what would have happened if I were less fortune? If Tao had not been so generous? 

 

Challenging myself to unfamiliar environments was an enlightening experience that provoked me to pursue a meaningful career in medicine. I wanted the scientific knowledge and ability to help others whether underprivileged, underserved, or misunderstood.

 

Upon my return to the United States, I jumped on the first opportunity to work directly with patients. As a current mental health counselor in the Neuropsychiatric Special Care unit at Children’s Hospital, I work with patients falling anywhere on the Autism Spectrum Disorder. Many of our patients are low functioning, have difficulty expressing emotion, or simply lack verbal communication ability-all language barriers to the uninitiated. Stepping into a clinical role, I have had the privilege of collaboratively working with a number of healthcare professionals. I love being able to creatively communicate and implement behavioral treatment plans, but I feel the limitations of my position. Observing patient behavior instilled my desire for further medical understanding and responsibility. I crave the scientific involvement and direct patient contact that the physician assistant (PA) profession provides.

 

Solidifying my desire for a career in medicine, my father of 62 was diagnosed with acute lymphoblastic leukemia. His diagnoses was jarring, it left me trying to recall cancer biology and staggering for a cure. I listened intensely to the various doctors and specialists describe our last chance at a haplo-bonemarrow transplant. I knew medicine was the career for me, I yearned for a deeper understanding of the science that was making my father suffer. For the next ten months I flipped between caring for patients, and watching others care for my family. I witnessed countless doctors, nurses, PAs, and other caregivers enter and leave the hospital room. My father lost his battle with cancer. Watching him from the bedside was tragic but meaningful; it sensitized me to challenges our patients’ families face and proved my resilience.

 

Now without embarrassment, I can answer the dreaded question “what are you going to do?”, with pride. I have found my passion in caring for others. I want to become a PA. I long for the ability to treat, diagnose, and understand what is happening behind my patient’s behaviors, or inside of my father’s cells. I know what it means to care for patients and their families, to work difficult jobs, and experience great hardships.

 

I posses the adaptability, empathy, and resiliency necessary to become a quality healthcare provider. I have proven my competence as a successful member of a medical team. As I shadowed healthcare professions and observed clinical settings, I found the PA profession aligns more closely with my values and career goals. I am drawn to the unique flexibility of medical services and the profession’s history extending quality care to underserved areas. As a board certified PA, I plan to continue expanding my cultural background, by utilizing my knowledge and skills to serve underprivileged areas.

[Delle303]

Any thoughts!? Critics please

[yellow720]

 

HI! okay, overall I really enjoyed your essay and would definitely appreciate if you could comment back on mine as well :)

 

1) “What are you going to do when you graduate?” Every time I was asked this question, I cringed with indecisiveness.

 

2) I wouldn't say "travel" as one of your replies because you actually did that!!! 

 

3) "light years away" sounds very awkward, try rewording. 

 

4) If i were less fortunate, not fortune. 

 

5) You cut your experience very short, it would of been nice to find out what happened with you in Africa

 

6) Solidifying my desire for a career in medicine, my father of 62 was diagnosed with acute lymphoblastic leukemia. His diagnoses was jarring, it left me trying to recall cancer biology and staggering for a cure. I listened intensely to the various doctors and specialists describe our last chance at a haplo-bonemarrow transplant. I knew medicine was the career for me, I yearned for a deeper understanding of the science that was making my father suffer. For the next ten months I flipped between caring for patients, and watching others care for my family. I witnessed countless doctors, nurses, PAs, and other caregivers enter and leave the hospital room. My father lost his battle with cancer. Watching him from the bedside was tragic but meaningful; it sensitized me to challenges our patients’ families face and proved my resilience. - i Feel like this paragraph is very out of nowhere and does not really contribute to your story about wanting to become a PA

[Guest KRJames]

I agree, very good overall but...... leave out the personal father story. It seems out of place to the cohesion of the rest. Also, not to sound cold-hearted but they have read 10 billion my family stories so I think just leave that part out.