Please help!! Just write a conclusion for me!

[Topsy]

So, I'm pretty pleased with how my essay has evolved. This is draft number...8? 10? Ugh. Who knows. But I'm under the character limit, and now I've simply looked at it too much!! So much so that I can't even figure out how to formulate a proper conclusion. Please help! Just write the damn last paragraph for me. I've used up all my editing energy.

 

I've put in red all the things that I'm kind of iffy about; debating if they are are necessary or if they don't bring anything to the table. Thanks for your feedback folks!!!

 

 

“Will you go to nursing or medical school?” Growing up in a Filipino household with a physician as my father, I was raised in a culture that viewed picking a career as choosing medicine...or medicine. When I was young, my parents beamed with pride when I said I wanted to be a doctor. Little did they know that I only said that because it was what my father did; if he were a garbage man, I imagine I would have had the same zeal for discarded furniture and old tin cans. In reality, I was not sure what I wanted. However, one fact was certain – I wanted absolutely nothing to do with medicine. But to my surprise, as much as I tried to avoid medicine, medicine found me.

 

As the daughter of a physician, I had been fortunate enough to have access to quality medical care as a child. However, after I began working three jobs in Chicago with no health insurance, I quickly learned the realities of healthcare access that nearly 22 millions Americans experienced within the past year: I walked into a public health clinic and was stunned. With a security guard looming at the door, a ticket dispenser reminiscent of the butcher shop, and a waiting room that appeared more intimidating than inviting, these conditions merely hinted at what I was about to encounter inside. My doctor's visit was hasty and embarrassing, without any chance to ask questions or a moment to voice my worries. Overall, the experience left me feeling deflated and confused.

 

From that frustrating experience emerged the strong desire to give my community the same high-quality treatment I was lucky enough to receive while growing up. Over the next few years I completed the prerequisite coursework, and excelled from motivation and resolve. But spring of 2012 proved challenging. My father – the man I admired, illustrious in my hometown for over 30 years of service as a family practitioner – passed away. I was beyond devastated. I did not know how to cope and withdrew for the semester. After his death, I began to question multiple aspects of my life. Originally, I convinced myself that I wanted to emulate him and become a physician, but I later realized what I needed was to find a different outlet: One that focused on treating the patient as a whole person. One that balanced science with humanity. One that offered a practical, direct path to honing the skills necessary to provide comprehensive care to generations of families. PA school was clearly the best option for me.

 

My dedication solidified once I realized that this career choice truly encompasses the culmination of my life experiences. I know what it is like to find it impossible to land a job, or live paycheck to paycheck - struggles which endowed me with the maturity and adaptability required to endure the challenges of a rigorous PA program. As a volunteer for Rape Crisis Services, I learned how to use my compassion to be there when helping a survivor waiting in the ER. Working as a CNA, I tested my versatility when discovering other ways to provide comfort besides the usual tasks of bathing and feeding. For instance, by playing BB King and encouraging one patient to sing along, I could often diminish his combative behavior and verbal outbursts. Finally, from shadowing a PA I observed what a patient-centered approach to healthcare truly looks like. It is taking that extra time to swaddle and hold a crying infant to calm him down during a routine check-up. It is advising families on natural, healthy alternatives when expensive medication is not necessarily required. It is possessing the skills and knowledge to be able to make the rounds autonomously in clinic, but humble enough to call other physicians to get a second opinion when cases are particularly perplexing. I have enjoyed shadowing PAs, and I look forward to gathering more experience to see the other ways that they exemplify a patient-centered approach to healthcare.

 

At the time of that fateful public clinic visit I felt that medicine has mysteriously chosen me. Inspired by the legacy that my father had left, I realize that I am ready to use my own means to make that type of impact and connection with people. Through my years of studying, volunteering, and working as a CNA, I have clearly and repeatedly that reaffirm my dedication to medicine. Now, with my recent experience shadowing and interacting with PAs, I have found my specific calling in medicine: to be a family practice PA and provide quality healthcare for many generations to come.

[merp]

Honestly, I think you can leave what you have as is with the exception of the first red sentence. I like the closing paragraph and I think it ties it all together. If anything (and if you have enough characters left) I would delve more deeply into the specifics of why you want to be a PA. You are dedicated to medicine, you are experienced, but this part ,"One that focused on treating the patient as a whole person. One that balanced science with humanity. One that offered a practical, direct path to honing the skills necessary to provide comprehensive care to generations of families" could possibly be said about any healthcare profession. They are all valid reasons, but I as a reader I would prefer more specificity. 

[Topsy]

Yeah...I was having trouble with that part. What I candidly want to say is that I want pathway that gets me patient-contact immediately (instead of after 3 years like med school!), is relatively reasonably priced (compared to med school!!), and is quick and to the point (unlike med school!!!). I can't quite figure out the words that can sugarcoat that...

 

I'm thinking of just cutting the entire last paragraph. It doesn't add anything and feels disjointed and abrupt... meh. I dunno.

[Topsy]

Here's a new conclusion I whipped up.

 

 

With every interaction I have with PAs, I grow more impressed at the versatility of their knowledge, the scope of their skills, and the warmth of their disposition. I would be honored to be able to join their ranks and exemplify why PAs hold an irreplaceable role in the field of healthcare. At the time of that fateful public clinic visit I originally felt that medicine had mysteriously chosen me. Now, however, I am confident that I am thoroughly prepared from a real world and academic perspective to face the rigors and opportunities of being a family practice PA and providing quality healthcare to the members of my community for many generations to come.

 

I'm not convinced that it's great... (I think I might be trying to hard to cling to the phrase "at the time of that fateful public clinic visit I felt that medicine chose me"), but how does it compare to the conclusion above?

[merp]

Yes. I like it. I agree that your "fateful public clinic visit" could be cut. I would replace it with one of your sentences from the first paragraph

 

With every interaction I have with PAs, I grow more impressed at the versatility of their knowledge, the scope of their skills, and the warmth of their disposition. I would be honored to be able to join their ranks and exemplify why PAs (the PA profession(?) holds) hold an irreplaceable role in the field of healthcare. At the time of that fateful public clinic visit I originally felt that medicine had mysteriously chosen me. Now, however,  Through my years of studying, volunteering, and working as a CNA, I have clearly and repeatedly that reaffirm my dedication to medicine. I am confident that I am thoroughly prepared from a real world and academic perspective to face the rigors and opportunities of being a family practice PA and provide quality healthcare to the members of my community for many generations to come. 

[Topsy]

Ok. Here's my new conclusion - decided to say why family practice instead of ending with the cover letter sounding "I'd be great! You should pick me!"

 

... Working as a CNA, I tested my versatility when discovering other ways to provide comfort in addition to the usual tasks of bathing and feeding. For instance, by playing BB King and encouraging one patient to sing along, I could often diminish his combative behavior and verbal outbursts. The invaluable opportunities I have had as a volunteer, a student, and an employee in healthcare have clearly and repeatedly reaffirmed my dedication to medicine.

 

Furthermore, from shadowing a PA I observed what a patient-centered approach to healthcare truly looks like. It is taking that extra time to swaddle and hold a crying infant to calm him down during a routine check-up. It is advising families on natural, healthy alternatives when expensive medication is not necessarily required. It is possessing the skills and knowledge to be able to make the rounds independently in a clinic. It is holding the enthusiasm to collaborate with physicians when cases are particularly perplexing. Overall, it is the attentiveness, compassion, and responsibility required to determine the best care for a patient that makes the PA profession especially meaningful to me.

 

With every interaction I have with PAs, I grow more impressed at the versatility of their knowledge, the scope of their skills, and the warmth of their disposition. I am confident not only that I want to become a PA, but more specifically that I want to bring my compassion and enthusiasm to the field of family practice. I choose this field because the breadth of the field entices me; I like the idea of being knowledgeable in a whole host of different areas, as opposed to specializing. Furthermore, days filled with variety will surely pique my intellect and continue to challenge my diagnostic skills. I know with the scientific background and the practical training gained from a PA program, I would have the skills to be able to help prevent illness as well as treat it. Finally, I would get to build ongoing relationships with patients and their families, and treating them throughout the distinct stages of their lives – not only for my immediate patients, but ideally for many generations to come.