If you critique mine, I'll critique yours

[merp]

Ok, here is another draft of my narrative. I need to cut it down several characters and yet I don't know if I'm answering all that has been asked by the prompt/explaining my experiences and education. I've highlighted in red what I'm unsure of keeping as is (because I think it sounds weird, boring, repetitious, what have you). As stated in the topic title, I am more than happy to help others. 

[Topsy]

So, I don't mean to come across as harsh. I realize this critique is kind of mean, but here's my thoughts:

 

1) opening paragraph is disjointed and confusing. Let's face it: Crohn's disease isn't sexy. You go from blah blah blah, family's disease, to blah blah, PA's! to blah, blah, reading anatomy/physio book. Whoa. Slow down. It would come across with more impact to say, my sisters writhed in debilitating pain... the only thing that could soothe her agony was the attentiveness of a PA.... Make it personal. Emphasize on what happened to your family - no one could help except the PAs, and that is why I am genuinely motivated to dedicate my life to the field that has done so much for my family. We don't need to know you were reading an A&P book; who cares?! Science intrigues every single applicant on some level. Try another avenue to convey your unbridled enthusiasm; saying, I read text books doesn't really do it.

 

2) use active voice. Watch out for "I was employed" and other passive phrases. Watch out for contractions, too.

 

3) remove all the red in paragraph 2. It's unnecessary and potentially insulting. Same goes for the CNA thing about it not being "intellectually stimulating" (I totally feel ya! From one CNA to another, I know we both can agree that the position sucks balls :P). But they don't need to know that? No. Also, you could cut that paragraph down a lot: I became a CNA to explore the medical field; the PA position particularly piqued my interest because they exemplified values that are the crux of optimal healthcare: compassion, dedication, intelligence... cut the fluff to whatever you're trying to actually say.

 

4) remove phrases like "a year after graduation" and "as a freshman" because they don't really add anything.

 

Overall, I think you should look hard into why you're pursuing this. You start with mentioning family illness...then dedication to ppl with mental illnesses...then oh yeah, don't want to forget about GI diseases because of my sisters that I mentioned in the beginning... It just comes off sounding a bit flaky and immature. I would consider refocusing your essay to 1 or 2 key points that you can really hone in on; not only will it help the flow of your essay, but the ideas you leave out you can always mention during the interview. All you need to do is give the admissions committee as taste - an ever-so-delicate tease - to make them think, Oooo! I want to bring her in! Let's meet her!

 

But really, what do I know. I'm a 1st time applicant with a less-than-stellar record. So my advice may be a load of crap, rolled in dung, and polished off with a hint of ball-sucking-waste-of-time. Good luck!!!!

[Derbingle]

Since there are so many requests for PS reviews, I keep the suggestions confined to what I think would be improvements. Only comment on ones that seems personal enough I can get a glimpse of who you may be.....but mot fully.......So its not just a criticism, but takes too long to refer to everything.

 

The stand out suggestion IMHO: Focus on expsoure to medicine through your sisters. How that motivated you. Got you interested. Afftected you, and them. Thats a close up and personal experience to the "healthcare experience". Then transition into why you like the idea of the scope of a PA vs not being interested in being a CNA, RN, Doctor. (Agree with above, cut out the negative comments) whats to say you will like being a PA is what I mean, and prob what theyll be thinking too. What will being a PA allow you to do? Its nothing like what most people think its going to be. Tell them. Ive noted in a lot of the personal statements people tend to make it biographical or like a resume. (Not that you completely did this) but, Use it to tell them who you are. Let the application tell them about your jobs and when you did what. Tell them why you are a great fit. (If you are) I worry about the reasons you didnt like the other professions. That is what is sticking in my mind from the stement. Not sure you understand the PA role, difficulties with the role, responsibilities of the role. I think you have good material to draw from. Rewrite it, go with the changes that flow. Tenth draft of anything is always great! Good luck.

[Z PA-C]

Most of the time, I will open one of these threads, skim the first paragraph (sometimes even the first sentence) and immediately stop reading but I was able to get to the end of your personal statement which is definitely a good thing! It could possibly be because it reminded me a little of my own story with my sisters but maybe a member of the admissions committee will share the same sentiment.

Overall, I agree with the above posters. You could make it flow a little better....it seems to jump around a lot. Definitely walk on egg shells when it comes to talking about other professions. I would focus on why PA specifically vs. reasons why you don't like the idea of being a nurse or a doctor.

I also think that even though I got an understanding into what your journey was like, I didn't really get to feel it. Maybe add in a personal story in there to let the reader get more emotion instead of just stating the facts. I know when I was writing, I had a hard time really digging deep and being...well personal but once I was able to get there it made it easier for people to connect with my story and thus made it more powerful and memorable. Best of luck!

I'd be happy to send you my personal statement if you want to compare.

[merp]

Thank you all so much for your feedback! I realize how time consuming and sometimes frustrating it can be to read these narratives. I totally get what you are saying aiviphung about reading one sentence and having to stop. You're lucky you didn't read my first draft! I think I'm trying so hard to explain my shortcomings/why I'm not interested in other healthcare professions (there are really only so many butts you can see as a human being before you have to rethink your life choices) that I'm not really answering the question effectively. At all. Again, thank you all so much. I much prefer harsh criticism to..."meh".