Good karma comes to those who help, please take a min to help me out!

[rbusta]

N/A

[cinntsp]

Are you applying to a single program? I assume so based on your last paragraph. That is really risky.

 

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[rbusta]

this program doesnt use CASPA, so i have to submit a paper application, hence why this essay is meant only for this program, my generic essay will be finalized later which i will submit to more schools through CASPA. 

[rbusta]

Please, any one. feedback please?

[Blue Goose]

Overall, I found your essay to be disorganized and lacking in detail, with somewhat trite and cliched descriptions of the profession.  I feel these problems are because you have too broad a focus.  Condense your seven paragraphs to four or five and make distinctions between what you have done as an EMT vs an ED scribe.  Re-focus your narrative on these topics:

• Why do you want to be a PA (and not an EMT/scribe for the rest of your career)?
• What qualities do you possess that will make you a good PA?
• How have your experiences contributed to the above (go into detail here)?
• How will you, specifically, fulfill the program's mission? 

Find a way to show your "ability to work effectively in high stress situations while comforting my patients with a calm and professional demeanor" and "motivation, hard-work ethic, and determination."  Don't mention your goals without explicitly describing them.  Be personal, it's a personal statement.

 

Also, a few detailed criticisms:  

 

Remove Mary's name.  Privacy is a huge issue in healthcare today; as a professional, you should know better.  Revise your opening vignette, as their is little conflict (the root if reader interest), and it's resolved before the paragraph ends, making the rest of your paper a matter of tying up loose ends.  Find a way to incorporate some of your character traits, but in a humble way.  In order to make it seem a little less like you single-handedly brought this woman back to life, consider saying something like "I was proud to be a member of the team that made a significant difference in her life ."

 

Rewrite your experiences with Mr. Weisberger.  The PA faculty reading your statement know how much time PAs and physicians spend with their patients; don't try to tell that them that PAs get to be more personal.  Consider mentioning how you felt the same way he did when you were thanked for doing something for a patient. 

[pdjags]

Rbusta,

 

I think you have some really good points and I will try to make suggestions off of Blue Goose. His criticisms are strong, but I think he offers you some great insight on how your essay could be made better. 

 

1) I 100% agree that the patient's name should be removed. For HIPPA reasons, schools can go crazy over privacy rights. I also was tempted to use a name during my essay, but if you can describe the patient's situation and the care you offered in a personalized NON CLICHE manner, that offers just as much individualism as using a name.

 

2) It's hard not to be cliche because most of the time, none of us mean to be! But rather than trying to cover everything, choose some of your strongest attributes and focus in on those (be specific)

 

3) Such as, being bilingual! You made a comment about translating for Spanish patients. Having that skill can definitely make you stand out in your application and I would use it to your advantage! 

 

4) I liked your specific example of your patient Mary and I liked it even more that you chose to conclude the essay with how that experience so drastically effected your desire to remain and progress in the medical field. However, there is a grammatical/tense error in your last sentence, first paragraph. "With you help, Mary ultimately made it."

That doesn't make any sense, and I don't love the phrasing. 

 

5) I do not care for so much detail concerning your shadowing experience. And I don't think admissions committees do either! They are more interested in your personal interactions while treating patients, what skills you learned, and how you will continue to build upon those skills if you are admitted to their program. 

 

I could keep going, but I'll stop with this last point.

 

6) I REALLY don't care for this phrase taken from a sentence in your 3rd paragraph "... a contrast to physicians’ demand of time and a reflection of healthcare economics." It's a blanket statement and is particularly unfair to many physicians who spend an exuberant amount of time with their patients. I think it's important to never make a negative statement concerning your peers and/or those working above you who have earned their positions! Somehow try to make this statement more of a positive concerning both the doctor and the physician assistant role.

 

I like your essay. But like many of us working on our own, we tend to be gushy - the word that continues to be used is "cliche". I got the same response to my essay when I placed it in the forum. I was also told it was too general. Narrow in one the most important thing or things you want to impress upon your committee, but keep them limited!! If you can be more specific, that will establish a greater sense of our personality and skills.