This is my first rough draft. Please tear it to shreds!

[ananomaly]

      Hello!

 

This is my very first rough draft.  I know it needs some work.  Please give me some feedback.  Don't be afraid to be brutal!

 

     Thanks!   

 

 

     My journey towards the PA profession cannot be marked by a single moment.  A series of events and coincidences, combined with my love of science and my passion for people, have led me on this path. Gandhi is credited with saying “The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.”  It is because of this ideal that I eventually found my desire to become a physician assistant.

     When I initially began college, I was excited for a fresh start and new adventures. However, after my first semester, my household lost an income and my family had to make substantial adjustments. As a result of immature reaction to this stress and my increased work load, my grades suffered.  I found myself picking up an extra job working in a campus office that provided service learning opportunities for students.  I began spending a lot of time working with underprivileged individuals my community.  I learned a lot of things, but my eyes were particularly opened to the various health issues and barriers to care that are associated with people in poverty.  It’s amazing what people will share with you when you spend your time in service with them.  My love of science and problem solving took on a new context.  My newfound motivation gave me a new lease on life; I became excited about my future and I developed the habits I needed to become a good student. 

     Though volunteerism remained important to me, it was evident that it was not providing the in-depth experience that I desired.  This led me to a job at a well-known orthopedic hospital where I primarily work in the pre-surgical unit.  I found myself taking vitals and lab materials with more gusto than most probably would.  I loved interacting with patients and being part of a healthcare team.  I jumped at the opportunity to work in other units when they were short staffed as well. As a result, I had the opportunity to observe a variety of healthcare teams in action.  It was when I was covering in the OR that I first saw the PA/physician relationship in action.  I was fascinated with how they worked together to fix their patient’s damaged joint.  I was also excited to find that I was able to follow along with the scientific language they were using because of my course work.  Though I was already interested in healthcare, my focus became set on the use of scientifically substantiated treatment to improve the life of patients.  I did more research into the PA profession.  I admired their versatility and their ability to work both autonomously and alongside other health professionals.  

            In March of this year, my grandfather’s health began to decline.  We were fortunate that he had such a wonderful team of practitioners working his case.  One of his physicians had a PA, and because of this she could spend more time with my grandfather.  Her PA was also was available to work with my grandfather when his physician was indisposed.  I already wanted to be a PA at this point, but these interactions dispelled any doubts that I had.  Though my grandfather would succumb to his condition in mid-April, we would not have had the time that we together did if not for the PA. 

            I know that I am not the most distinguished candidate you have seen, but my health care experience sets me apart.  I am driven to succeed and will no longer accept anything less than excellence from myself.  I have learned so much from my experiences, and I can’t wait to keep learning and keep improving myself.   My passion in life is to live in service to other people.  I can’t think of a better, more fulfilling way to do just that than becoming a physician assistant.  

[cop to pa]

My $0.02.

 

Several of the sentences are pretty long. Maybe consider shortening them for the reader. Use Physician Assistant (PA) first, then you can reference PA. Stupid, I know, since everyone reading it knows what a PA is, but it is the correct way.

 

In your 3rd paragraph you talk about the gusto for vital signs: comes off as fake.

 

In the second to last paragraph you refer to a PA as a physician: maybe provider or team member. You discuss the PA having more time to spend because of being a PA: it's been discussed on this forum that PAs are often as busy or busier than many docs, maybe revise this.

 

Last paragraph: lose that first sentence. It is both filled with self doubt and arrogance. I would bet every admission committee will see candidates with lower grades and more HCE. Just lose it, doesn't work.

Overall, a good start. If you're going to focus on volunteering as a focus in your life, you may need more than just two examples.

[paproof]

Agree with above.  Many of those sentences seem to go on and on... Not a bad initial draft though.