Narrative for CASPA, any feedback/critiquing is greatly appreciated!

[lutherta]

I would be lying if I said I always wanted to practice human medicine. Since I was very young, I wanted to be a veterinarian, and for many years, I worked hard to achieve that goal. But there was always this little voice in the background that said “You are so good with people though, why don’t you consider human medicine instead?” That voice belonged to my mother, the person that most influenced my decision to become a Physician Assistant. This encouragement from her was only the beginning, and when she told me the dreaded words “I have cancer”, I felt I was destined for another path.

My current boss in the Breast Cancer Research lab recognized my potential from my previous job, and hired me to do cancer research. As I rapidly gained knowledge and experience in the research, including breast cancer stem cell theory and treatments we are studying in mouse xenograft models, I became excited about this amazing potential for a cure for cancer! Within a year on the job, I received raises for my dedication and hard work. I considered going for a PhD and continuing the research I was doing. My mother was diagnosed with endometrial cancer, and watching her struggle through the full hysterectomy, radiation, resulting back surgery and colitis due to the radiation drove me to work hard every day so no one has to watch a loved one struggle again. I love the daily sense of accomplishment, but I still felt something was missing.

My co-workers quickly found they could rely on me to help them resolve any issue in a time efficient manner. Many said I would be great working with patients. So I asked some collaborators who were currently applying for PA school, and read some books about the profession. I spent time shadowing physicians and PAs. I noticed that PAs get more interaction with patients and are not as rushed as physicians seem to be. The less costly and timely route to a career is also very appealing. I am anxious to get out there and practice medicine. I have always naturally had the urge to care for others, especially the weak or suffering; this is the most fulfilling feeling. I also really like the capability to work autonomously and as part of a healthcare team towards the common goal of patient’s overall health and well-being. I looked into Nurse Practitioner as well, but noticed the limitations of that field versus the vast opportunities and flexibilities for specialties that a PA can accomplish. Also, I feel confident with the guidance of a physician to confirm I am providing the most accurate healthcare I can. Finally, the most determining factor is that PAs are less costly. It bothers me tremendously that people die or live uncomfortably or in pain just because they cannot get the care they need due to finances or accessibility to a healthcare provider.

At that time, my grades did not accurately reflect my capabilities, largely in part due to a medical disability, and if I was as motivated and applied myself as I do now, I could have achieved higher grades. I enrolled in the few prerequisite courses that I still needed to complete. I had also re-taken some classes because I felt denied the chance to learn the material the first time. Taking these courses renewed my motivation to learn and I now had a new appreciation for my courses. In my current position, I continue to fine-tune many skills required to be a successful caregiver, including multi-tasking, prioritizing, and problem solving. I work closely with many different cultures and those who do not speak English as a first language, so I have learned how to effectively communicate with many different cultures. I have also had the unique experience of being raised in a very diverse family, my father is Punjabi and was raised in Belgium, and my mother was raised in Brazil. I am extremely comfortable with diversity, and I am therefore able to bring that comfort and experience to others.

Unfortunately I was not accepted my first time applying to PA school. I was extremely disappointed, but realized it was not the right time for me, and it gave me the opportunity to improve and gain more experience, and further explore all of the specialties I can consider going into. I was selected to go to Ghana to procure tissue samples for our lab from women with aggressive phenotype breast cancer. There I was touched by how grateful they are for the simplest things. Addiction runs strong in my family, and I have seen how it can tear families apart. Addiction as a disease is still quite a controversial issue in medicine, and I am determined to incorporate this into medicine much more than it currently is.

These experiences have made me more determined and driven to follow this dream. I really look forward to developing close relationships with my patients and making sure they are receiving the best possible care. I believe this is one of the most rewarding careers anyone can have, and given the opportunity, I am confident I will be an asset to the PA profession.

[jen0508]

"I would be lying if I said I always wanted to practice human medicine. Since I was very young, I wanted to be a veterinarian, and for many years, I worked hard to achieve that goal. But there was always this little voice in the background that said “You are so good with people though, why don’t you consider human medicine instead?” That voice belonged to my mother, the person that most influenced my decision to become a Physician Assistant. This encouragement from her was only the beginning, and when she told me the dreaded words “I have cancer”, I felt I was destined for another path."

physician assistant does not need to be capitalized. "human medicine" sounds ackward, try to find another term. honestly though, i think you can go about this personal statement without even mentioning that you wanted to practice "animal medicine"... plus you really dont want the first sentence people read to say you didnt always want to practice medicine..

 

"My current boss in the Breast Cancer Research lab recognized my potential from my previous job", what was your prevoius job?

 

" I considered going for a PhD and continuing the research I was doing. " i think you should immediately explain why you did not go this route. You considered it, but........

 

"So I asked some collaborators who were currently applying for PA school, and read some books about the profession." What did you ask the collaborators?

 

" I spent time shadowing physicians and PAs." you have to introduce the acronym PA before you use it

 

" I noticed that PAs get more interaction with patients and are not as rushed as physicians seem to be." take this out, this is a misconception. PAs often have busier schedules and less time to see patients than their supervising physicians.

 

"The less costly and timely route to a career is also very appealing." so here you are basically telling the admissions committee "i want to attend PA school because it costs less than medical school and is quicker".....take this part out

 

"I also really like the capability to work autonomously" ... PAs dont necesarily work autonomously...

 

"I looked into Nurse Practitioner as well, but noticed the limitations of that field versus the vast opportunities and flexibilities for specialties that a PA can accomplish." how does a PA accomplish flexibilities for specialties?? alot of your sentences are not making sense...

 

"Also, I feel confident with the guidance of a physician to confirm I am providing the most accurate healthcare I can." i get what you are trying to say but...a physician will not always be there to confirm you are giving accurate care

 

"Finally, the most determining factor is that PAs are less costly." you do know that someones co-pay to see a physician is the exact same as a PA right? this statement is not valid...

 

"At that time, my grades did not accurately reflect my capabilities, largely in part due to a medical disability, " might want to mention what type of medical disability you have and how you overcame it or will overcome it in PA school

 

" I had also re-taken some classes because I felt denied the chance to learn the material the first time." this sounds like an excuse.... whether or not this is true, in your personal statement you should not blame others for you not learning the material

 

"There I was touched by how grateful they are for the simplest things." simplest things like what?

 

" Addiction runs strong in my family, and I have seen how it can tear families apart...." i dont get how you went from talking about women in ghana to addiction in the next sentence? introduce the topic of addiction a little more ...

 

"Addiction as a disease is still quite a controversial issue in medicine, and I am determined to incorporate this into medicine much more than it currently is." you are determined to incorporate addiction into medicine much more than it currently is? this doesnt really make any sense

 

"These experiences have made me more determined and driven to follow this dream." What experiences? summarize them

 

" I believe this is one of the most rewarding careers anyone can have..." what is "this"? i know you are talking about being a PA but you have to mention that in a paragraph before you say "this" ...

 

this essay is a good start but needs a lot of work. please see my post in the Pre-PA forum titled "Personal statement writing tips" ... correct the things i mentioned and comb through your paper very carefully to check for flow, proper grammar usage, and check that your sentences make sense. if your last essay was anything like this it may be the reason why you were not accepted. i would highly recommend reposting this for further editing when you are done with your final draft. you are off to a good start so keep at it!! :)

 

good luck

[GoPackGo]

Great advice jen!

[lutherta]

Thanks very much Jen for all of the input! I will do a lot more work on this and re-post once it is done. Thanks again, and I hope you will read my next draft and find it to be much improved!

[jen0508]

Thanks very much Jen for all of the input! I will do a lot more work on this and re-post once it is done. Thanks again, and I hope you will read my next draft and find it to be much improved!

 

sure thing. writing grad school essays doesnt come naturally for most people. i wrote numerous drafts before it was sent off. keep at it

[lutherta]

Here is what I have so far, but I am still feeling like it is not capturing my passion to be a PA. Incorporating addiction into medicine is also one of my interests since I have seen a lot of it in my family, but I didn't know how to tie that in, or if it is even important to do so. Plus, this is still too long for CASPA so I need to shorten it already and not sure what to take out. Anyway, please let me know what you think of this draft, thanks so much!

 

Tears started pouring down my face as I hung up the phone. “We need to talk when you get home” my mother said. She had just gotten back from the doctor so I knew it was not good news. My mom was around the right age for menopause, so we thought that was why she was exhibiting so many changes in her health. Luckily we encouraged her to go get checked, just to be sure. She was diagnosed with aggressive endometrial cancer, at the young age of fifty. Watching her fight through the full hysterectomy, radiation, resulting back surgery and colitis due to the radiation drove me to work hard every day towards a career where I would have the opportunity to significantly lower the chances of anyone having to watch a loved one struggle so much.

My supervisor in the Breast Cancer Research lab recognized my potential from my previous job as an animal care supervisor and animal care technician, and hired me to do cancer research. As I rapidly gained knowledge and experience in the research, including cancer stem cell theory and treatments we are studying in mouse xenograft models, I became excited about this amazing potential for a cure for cancer! Within a year on the job, I received raises for my dedication and hard work. I considered going for a PhD and continuing the research I was doing; I love the daily sense of accomplishment, but I still felt something was missing. That is direct patient contact and ability to provide medical care for them.

A few co-workers were soon leaving for physician assistant (PA) school. I inquire about the profession, and read some literature about it. This profession sounded like a perfect fit for my caring nature. I have always had the natural urge to care for others, especially the weak or suffering; it is the most fulfilling feeling to know you have helped another. Another appealing aspect of the PA profession is the ability to work autonomously and as part of a healthcare team towards the common goal of patient’s overall health and well-being. It will be reassuring to receive confirmation from a physician that I am providing accurate healthcare. While researching the PA profession, the vast opportunities for specialties for a PA became apparent. Finally, the most determining factor is that PAs are less costly to hire, and are therefore cost-efficient to a company to hire and so possibly more readily available. It bothers me tremendously that people die or live in pain just because they cannot get the care they need due to finances or accessibility to a healthcare provider.

At that time, my grades did not accurately reflect my capabilities, largely in part due to a medical disability. Unfortunately I did not recognize that I had a disease that was significantly affecting my academic performance. Before I graduated, with determination and hard work, I was able to fight through some of it enough to improve my grades slightly. If I was as motivated and applied myself as I do now, I could have achieved higher grades. I got the medical attention I needed and stayed focused and dedicated to that for a year, and then I enrolled in the few prerequisite courses that I still needed to complete. I had re-taken some classes because I felt I had denied myself the chance to learn the material the first time. Taking these courses renewed my motivation to learn and I now had a newfound appreciation for my courses. In my current position, I continue to fine-tune many skills required to be a successful caregiver, including multi-tasking, prioritizing, and problem solving. I work closely with people of many different nationalities as well as those who do not speak English as a first language, so I have learned how to effectively communicate with many different cultures. I have also had the unique experience of being raised in a very diverse family, my father is Punjabi and was raised in Belgium, and my mother was raised in Brazil. I am extremely comfortable with diversity, and I am therefore able to bring that comfort and experience to others.

Unfortunately I was not accepted my first time applying to PA school. I was extremely disappointed, but realized it was not the right time for me, and it gave me the opportunity to gain more experience, and further explore all of the specialties I can consider going into. I was selected to go to Ghana to procure tissue samples for our lab from women with aggressive phenotype breast cancer. There I was touched by how grateful they are for the simplest things. I handed out extra ice packs we had to patients waiting in the non air-conditioned oncology building, and they were so thankful. We also visited the children’s ward. There were children with some of the most awful injuries, yet they were still smiling and grateful when we handed them a coloring book or small toy. One of the most touching scenes was a line of people waiting out on the sidewalk, in over hundred degree weather and over night, just to spend five minutes with a physician. When they did finally see the physician, they had so much gratitude. It made me realize how much we take for granted here in America, and can really work on our patience. I strongly believe that like a smile, patience is contagious, and I can help teach it to others.

Watching loved ones struggle with disease, caring for others in need, and all of my life experiences have made me more determined and driven to follow this dream. I really look forward to developing close relationships with my patients and making sure they are receiving the best possible care. I believe being a PA is one of the most rewarding careers anyone can have, and given the opportunity, I am confident I will be an asset to the PA profession.