Revised draft

[tigerlily]

So I edited my PS based off of the feedback I received on this forum. I also tried shortening it, just because I understand that the admissions committee will only be scanning the PS and have hundreds of essays to look over. Again, any feedback is greatly appreciated. I am not too sensitive, so please don't hesitate to be blunt...I prefer blunt:

 

Children loved playing soccer on the dirt roads of Mexicali, Mexico. Unfortunately, Gustavo was unable to play soccer with the rest of us, because he was on special crutches. His parents told him it was because he never received the polio vaccine. Even though it was possible to find free immunizations, they were considered a commodity. I encountered many preventable disease in Mexico, that were caused by either lack of education or access to medical care. I look up to people that are dedicated to providing affordable medical care in areas of need. Of the many pathways available to help other people, my desire focused on healthcare after living in Mexico as a child. I want to become a physician assistant (PA), and my decision came as a result of a growing and discovery process. I will explain how I took my first steps towards healthcare; my exposure to the role of the PA profession; and the development of my conviction to become a PA.

My first step towards healthcare was when I joined the U.S. Army at the age of 19. The only reservations I had about healthcare, was a fear of how I would react to certain situations and sights, such as death. Starting out as a nutrition care specialist seemed like a great place to start. The patient encounters during my 3 years in that role gave me reassurance and enough confidence to take on a more hands-on role. My newfound confidence would soon be tested as I embraced the opportunity to become a licensed practical nurse (LPN). It was the first night of my preceptorship in the Intensive Carer Unit when my patient passed away within only a few hours of the start of my shift. Surprisingly, my reaction was better than expected. Although it was a unforgettably sad experience, I was able to perform all my duties gracefully, including post-mortem care. Becoming a LPN gave me the opportunity for personal and professional growth, as well as exposure to the amazing PA profession.

It was during my LPN training when I first heard about the PA profession, while our instructors briefly talked about the military's PA program. Once working as a LPN, I had the pleasure of talking to several physician assistants about their profession. I was impressed to discover they are an important factor in improving healthcare access in areas of need. They are also indispensable to the patients and the communities they serve. For instance, I saw how PAs in the military developed a trusting relationship with the troops, which made it easier for the troops come forward with their medical concerns. This in turn, allowed the troops to remain combat-ready and improved troop morale. All of which contribute to the safe return of our troops when deployed. Upon my discovery of the PA profession, I quickly developed a deep respect and admiration for the work they do.

 

One particular PA was very understanding of the fragile 8 year old boy that cried uncontrollably, refusing to have his testes examined. She could have given up after 10 minutes of dealing with this hysterical child because she had other patients to see, the way other providers had been doing for over 5 years. Instead, she invested over 45 minutes trying to gain Alex's trust. She succeeded, but his right testicle was not palpable. It was later found to be in the abdomen via ultrasound. It was with patience and determination that she was able to discover an abnormality that led to a much needed surgery, that fortunately took place before puberty. Although he is still at a higher risk for testicular cancer compared to other males, his personal risk has now been slightly reduced. She displayed the qualities I admire about the profession, and set the example that I aspire to emulate. My son and I will forever be grateful for the work ethic, compassion, and dedication displayed by his PA.

My desire to become a PA is indeed the result of a growing and discovery process. I was a child when the seed that would one day grow to be my goal to pursue a career as a PA was planted. I was a young healthcare professional when that seed was watered with confidence. Not long after that, a seedling that contained my understanding of the physician assistant's role emerged. Nurtured by a personal gratitude for the dedication of these professionals, the seedling grew into the plant that now represents my conviction to become a PA. All of which take me back to my roots, a way to provide affordable medical care in areas of need, especially via prevention and education.

[jen0508]

" I look up to people that are dedicated to providing affordable medical care in areas of need." "admire" would sound better

 

See my revised version of the rest of the first paragraph: Growing up in Mexico, I encountered many preventable diseases that were caused by either lack of education or lack of access to medical care. Therefore, (or Thus,) I look up to people that are dedicated to providing affordable medical care in areas of need. Of the many pathways available to help other people, my desire has focused on healthcare. I want to become a physician assistant (PA), and my decision has come as a result of a growing and discovery process. I will explain how I took my first steps towards healthcare; my exposure to the role of the PA profession; and the development of my conviction to become a PA.

 

note that you should stay in the same tense. for example you said "and my decision came as a result of a growing and discovery process" that should be "has come" since in the sentence prior you said "want to become" ... hope this makes sense. you should scan the rest of the essay for similar mistakes (if any)

"My first step towards healthcare was when I joined the U.S. Army at the age of 19". --> Joining the U.S. Army at the age of 19 was my first step towards healthcare --- dont know why but wording it this way just sounds better to me, but you decide! :)

 

"The only reservations I had about healthcare (Take out the comma you had here) was a fear of how I would react to certain situations and sights, such as death"

 

"Starting out as a nutrition care specialist seemed like a great place to start. The patient encounters during my 3 years in that role gave me reassurance and enough confidence to take on a more hands-on role. My newfound confidence would soon be tested as I embraced the opportunity to become a licensed practical nurse (LPN). It was the first night of my preceptorship in the Intensive Carer Unit when my patient passed away within only a few hours of the start of my shift. Surprisingly, my reaction was better than expected. Although it was a unforgettably sad experience, I was able to perform all my duties gracefully, including post-mortem care. Becoming a LPN gave me the opportunity for personal and professional growth, as well as exposure to the amazing PA profession." --- very nice paragraph!!!

"For instance, I saw how PAs in the military developed a trusting relationship with the troops..."---> "I observed" would sound better

 

"All of which contribute to the safe return of our troops when deployed." I dont think this is a complete sentence. maybe you could try a colon or semi colon --> "This in turn, allowed the troops to remain combat-ready and improved troop morale; all of which contribute to the safe return of our troops when deployed. " although i am kind of anal when it comes to grammer, i dont remember the specific rules on when to use ":" versus";" ....

"One particular PA was very understanding of the fragile 8 year old boy that cried uncontrollably, refusing to have his testes examined. She could have given up after 10 minutes of dealing with this hysterical child because she had other patients to see, the way other providers had been doing for over 5 years." I would maybe take that last part out, even though its true, it sounds kind of accusatory, which is kind of a no-no in personal statements...you dont want any negative statements toward other providers in your PS...

 

"My desire to become a PA is indeed the result of a growing and discovery process. I was a child when the seed that would one day grow to be my goal to pursue a career as a PA was planted. I was a young healthcare professional when that seed was watered with confidence. Not long after that, a seedling that contained my understanding of the physician assistant's role emerged. Nurtured by a personal gratitude for the dedication of these professionals, the seedling grew into the plant that now represents my conviction to become a PA. All of which take me back to my roots, a way to provide affordable medical care in areas of need, especially via prevention and education. " I normally dont like corny metaphors but the "seed" thing is actually good. By the way, change "via" to "through" ... "via" sounds too much like slang.

 

great job :)

[tigerlily]

@jen0508

 

Thank you so much for the feedback. My PS is the very last item I need before I can submit my application. Thanks!!!

[jen0508]

@jen0508

 

Thank you so much for the feedback. My PS is the very last item I need before I can submit my application. Thanks!!!

 

yippee! Where are you applying? Best of luck to you

[tigerlily]

I am applying at MEDEX, going for their BCHS option! :)

I will be posting on the stats page soon with updates, thanks again!

[mackjacks]

I liked your PS and didn't feel it was too poetic, which you mentioned as a concern on another thread. There were a few grammatical/style things that I think could be tweaked, but the overall content seemed great. I'd recommend having an English/Literature type person read over the final draft if you have someone available. I'd also be happy to check over a draft for those types of things if you want, but I'm no professional...

[tigerlily]

@mackjacks.

 

I agree that it needs some tweaking to improve/grammar and style. I did receive similar feedback, and already made those changes. The funny thing is that I didn't see those issues until someone on here pointed it out...then they were obvious.

 

I also have a friend who is supposed to give it one last look, just to see if I missed any additional errors or potential improvements. Thank you!!!