TheBatman Posted August 30, 2018 Share Posted August 30, 2018 I'm going to be applying this coming cycle in Spring 2019. I have already started working on the CASPA (entering information and having my transcripts attached). I plan on doing "reapplying" in the spring to have all my work saved (hopefully it does). But for now I have started working on my essay. This is a draft of my intro and my first paragraph, and I would love some feedback. Thanks Here it is: A lady was walking back to her car in the parking lot of an auto shop on a blazing, hot day. When she reached her car, she realized that her keys were locked inside the car. Sweating, not just from the heat, she ran back inside the auto shop and told the shop manager of her predicament. The shop manager handed her a coat hanger and took off to help another customer without explaining anything. The lady walked back to her car, baffled as to how a coat hanger could help her solve her car problem. As she paced back and forth trying to figure out how to open the car from the outside, a rowdy-looking man approached her. “Can I help you, miss?,” asked the strange man. The lady explained her problem to the man and he told her he understood. He took the coat hanger from her, shoved it through a small crack in the car’s window, jerked the hanger around for a few seconds, and ‘click’, the door of the car opened. The lady was ecstatic to finally have her car back. She turned around and thanked the man, telling him what a kind and helpful person he is. “Oh, I’m not a kind person, miss,” he said, “I actually just got out of jail… for stealing cars with coat hangers.” The lady, rather than stepping back in shock and fear, hugged the man tightly and said, “I prayed to God for someone to help me open my car. God did not send just anyone, but he sent an actual professional.” I relate very much to the lady in this story. As I was struggling to figure out which career path I wanted to take I had the opportunity to meet a physician assistant. I knew that I definitely wanted to work with patients, but I did not know what field I wanted to work in specifically. Right before my junior year in college, I got a job as a home care provider working for the NYS Department of People with Developmental disabilities, and I take care of two individuals who live with me in my home. I administer and record medication, bathe, feed, assist in mobility, and set up medical appointments with providers for them. Through this job, I have had the opportunity to meet many physicians. The first appointment I brought one of my guys to was to an audiologist, who turned out to be a PA. I had absolutely no idea about the PA profession, but in my moment of struggle I had met the person that would help me decide my path. As she was conducting her examinations, she was also very forthcoming in answering all my questions about being a PA. She told me that having a personal connection with her patients is easily the best part about her job. I told her that even though I am comfortable and enjoyed taking care of my 2 guys after 4 years, I wanted to be able to do and see more. I wanted to be more hands on with patients. She encouraged me that the best course of action would be to work in a team alongside nurses, NPs, MDs, and PAs. I took her advice and applied for a position as a patient care technician in a Cardiovascular ICU. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrePA94 Posted August 30, 2018 Share Posted August 30, 2018 Im assuming this isnt finished. I LOVE how you started with a story- but I dont know how I feel about your connection to how it relates to your life. I think your best bet would be to keep the first paragraph, and then go into something more personal. Talk about a struggle youve experienced, how it relates to the playful story you talked about. Talk about how you worked along with other healthcare providers, and how you know the route your choosing is right for you. I truly LOVED the first paragraph, but did not find myself enjoying the rest as much (although, it isnt bad). All I intend on being is helpful, and I hope my criticism is taken with a grain of salt! Best of luck applying next cycle! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheBatman Posted August 30, 2018 Author Share Posted August 30, 2018 20 minutes ago, PrePA94 said: Im assuming this isnt finished. I LOVE how you started with a story- but I dont know how I feel about your connection to how it relates to your life. I think your best bet would be to keep the first paragraph, and then go into something more personal. Talk about a struggle youve experienced, how it relates to the playful story you talked about. Talk about how you worked along with other healthcare providers, and how you know the route your choosing is right for you. I truly LOVED the first paragraph, but did not find myself enjoying the rest as much (although, it isnt bad). All I intend on being is helpful, and I hope my criticism is taken with a grain of salt! Best of luck applying next cycle! Your criticism is definitely helpful and appreciated. And you're correct that it's not finished. I will take your advice and work on the body paragraphs. Thank you very much Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lctexas4 Posted August 31, 2018 Share Posted August 31, 2018 Hi! I am a first time applicant so definitely feel free to ignore anything I say. Personally, I’ve heard that admissions doesn’t want to read a long, descriptive story. Additionally, this story isn’t directly about you or someone close to you or someone who made a huge impact on you. It just seems like a really indirect and random way to get to the point of it-you happening to meet a PA. A story can work, but I think it needs to be about you in a clear and concise way. I kinda found myself being confused as to what the point was while I was reading it. I feel like those are characters you could spend talking about yourself and why you would make a great PA. The PS is the only opportunity to sell yourself beyond your resume and show what makes you unique. To me, that intro paragraph could have been written by any applicant, as it gives the reader no information about who you are. The person above me loved the story so again, it’s a matter of preference. That’s just my two cents though. Good luck!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheBatman Posted August 31, 2018 Author Share Posted August 31, 2018 5 hours ago, lctexas4 said: Hi! I am a first time applicant so definitely feel free to ignore anything I say. Personally, I’ve heard that admissions doesn’t want to read a long, descriptive story. Additionally, this story isn’t directly about you or someone close to you or someone who made a huge impact on you. It just seems like a really indirect and random way to get to the point of it-you happening to meet a PA. A story can work, but I think it needs to be about you in a clear and concise way. I kinda found myself being confused as to what the point was while I was reading it. I feel like those are characters you could spend talking about yourself and why you would make a great PA. The PS is the only opportunity to sell yourself beyond your resume and show what makes you unique. To me, that intro paragraph could have been written by any applicant, as it gives the reader no information about who you are. The person above me loved the story so again, it’s a matter of preference. That’s just my two cents though. Good luck!! I will definitely be taking your criticism into consideration, as well. Thanks and good luck Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nichole96 Posted August 31, 2018 Share Posted August 31, 2018 Admitted to multiple schools this cycle. Your opening paragraph is 1557 characters. That's almost a 1/3 of your essay - and it isn't even about you! I would *strongly* recommend getting rid of your entire first paragraph and using that space to talk about YOU and why you want to be a PA! Talk about a patient experience that touched you/made you think/made you upset/angry and use that personal experience to grab a reader's interest. It doesn't have to be fancy - I described reading a book to a 5 year old. Just be genuine. If I were you, I'd grab a blank sheet of paper and just start writing about experiences that have touched you and drawn you to become a PA. That could be your first patient, someone with developmental disabilities who you bonded with, a shadowing or school moment that touched you, or really anything else that pushed you into medicine. Don't edit, just write some memories. That gave me an inspiration base to work with when I did that. Then you can slowly begin to shape that into a narrative. Best of luck! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BrittanyJ95 Posted September 11, 2018 Share Posted September 11, 2018 Scrap the entire essay. If a story is how you want to start your essay, then use a life experience that directly influenced your decision to go PA (a medically related experience). Make it short, sweet, and to the point. Please do not use the numerical form of "2" and "4" in your essay. Spell it out if you must. Dont call them your guys This essay did not answer the prompt. Sure, you want to see and do more, but you can do that as a NP or even a CNA. Why do you want to be a PA, specifically. Dont write out your job duties. They have a section for that in caspa My advice. - Sit down and write out the reasons you want to be a PA. Which of those reasons are unique to the PA profession? Talk about this! I chose to write about the opportunity to work underneath a seasoned physician. Two heads are better than one! - Invest in an editing service. I used myparesource - Get more hands-on experience in the hospital setting. This will help in writing your essay. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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