I'm getting mixed reviews on my final draft personal statement :/. can someone please provide honest feedback on it?

[lightserith1]

Essay deleted.

[LadyNichiavelli]

Hmm. I personally liked this personal statement. The content is well-written. What are the types of responses that you've been getting? Really, the only thing that immediately stands out to me is that the organization/structure is a little disjointed. I'd recommend talking about Mary/Kathy first (you realize that you switched the names, right? Or are they two different patients?) in the same paragraph as Mark, and THEN mentioning the PAs--Carrie and Nkwain. As a reader, having to constantly switch back and forth from patient, to PA, to PA, to patient in each paragraph was a little jarring. I'd also group your reasons for wanting to be a PA closer together, so that you're not sporadically throwing out reasons to your reader. It gives the effect of you just realizing each reason as you type your essay, but when they're grouped closer together, it seems well-thought out. Again, all of this has to do with organization. But the content is great. Good luck!

[lightserith1]

Thank you so much NikkiO!!!

 

I've been told that it's good, easy to read, and doesn't need further editing. Other people said the essay doesn't flow well , the first 4 paragraphs doesn't say much, and that I talk too much about patients. 

 

Sorry about the confusion of Mary/Kathy; they are the same person. I fixed the error.

 

I agree with you that the organization needs work. I'll work on that :).

 

 

If anyone else has more honest feedback I would much appreciate it!

[Guest kennypowers]

I honestly think there are too many stories and it reads like a history lesson. There are some really great parts to this essay (primarily, the ones that talk about how your experiences have shaped/affected you), but the multiple interactions detract from who YOU are. I would eliminate names, for starters, and narrow down your vignettes. From there, focus on youyouyou. How do you feel about healthcare, why do you care, what makes you an excellent candidate, etc. You've certainly touched on these, but I think you minimize the impact by jumping into story time every paragraph.

 

I do truly like the core of this essay, but I feel some fat needs to be cut out. I found your first two paragraphs intriguing, and wanted to know more about you, but it got less personal/less focused (IMO) as I read on because of the major scene changes.

[lightserith1]

Thank you kennypowers!!

 

I think I heard that admissions like stories about patients. But perhaps I spent too much time talking about them. I will try to shorten the stories.

 

If anyone else has more honest feedback I would much appreciate it!

[Guest kennypowers]

You can absolutely use stories, but you should be strategic about it.

 

Look at it this way, in your *personal* essay you mentioned:

1.Your teacher

2. Mark

3. Carrie

4. Nkwain

5. Kathy

 

Putting so many interactions into 5,000 characters came off slightly disjointed.

 

I really mean it when I say I like the core of your essay. Your upbringing is unique; it's a huge deal that you grew up in the same circumstances as those we want to help. I feel like you can elaborate on that even more, then pick and choose your most impactful interactions in order to bring both sides together.

 

This is purely my unprofessional opinion, so take it with a grain of salt :) 

[lightserith1]

Thank you kennypowers for the suggestion!

 

And thank you for the kind words. I'm glad you liked the core of my essay :).

[lightserith1]

I edited and my submitted essay already, so won't be needing any more feedback. Thanks everyone!