Final Draft need final critiques

[jaredlj3]

Please read and give thoughts below. I have worked on this for a while and I think it is near ready. Thanks for your time and responses. 

 

 

Sweat rolled down my face as the sun rested high in the sky. With an average temperature of 110 degrees, walking the streets in Brazil each day sometimes was a daunting task. As a 19-year-old boy I had volunteered to leave my home for two years and serve a mission for my church, not knowing any Portuguese before hand. Each day I woke up early to study the Language in preparation to serve and teach the people of Manaus, Brazil. It was a major struggle at first. I remember being frustrated, as the locals would laugh at me when I made mistakes. I thought I would never learn. With persistence I was able to communicate well within 6 months and continued to improve the language each day. I soon realized the joys of helping and serving others. As I saw people transform their lives, I realized that I wanted a career where I could make a difference. After two years I still did not have any clear direction as to what I wanted to do when I returned home to start my undergraduate degree.

 

My mother, who works as a Nurse, first introduced me to the Physician Assistant (PA) profession. Aware of my desire to help others and my interest in the health sciences she sparked my interest in the profession. After researching the role, standard of care, scope of practice and rewards of a PA, I went about my undergraduate in preparation to become a PA. As I finished out my prerequisites I quickly found my self enrolled in the paramedic program to obtain exposure to patient care.

 

As a paramedic working for EMSA in Oklahoma City, I respond to over a thousand calls a year. One day I responded to a call of an elderly lady who suddenly collapsed at the grocery store. After a quick assessment I soon realized that she was having a stroke with complete right side weakness. As we rushed her to the hospital I could see the look of fear in her eyes. She was completely aware of her surrounding but unable to communicate her worries. In between starting IV’s, obtaining vitals and calling report to the hospital I found time to sit by her side and hold her hand. I explained to her what was going on and what was going to happen once we arrived at the hospital. I could tell she appreciated the time that I took to reassure her. With that reassurance she was able to mentally prepare and remain calm throughout the entire process.

 

Later I received a message from my supervisor who got a call from the stroke coordinator at the hospital. He had related to my supervisor his appreciation for our quick pre hospital care. The Patient was able to receive TPA treatment within 30 minute of her arrival and walked away from the incident with minimal lasting effects. It felt good to follow up with the patient. A rarity I get in emergency medicine. I do not only want to save lives but I want to help impact lives. Which working as a PA will help me accomplish.

 

In my pursuit for the PA profession I have furthered my exposure to patient care even more. On top of working on the ambulance I started working for a cardiologist. There I have been able to work along side a doctor and his PA, Jason. I’ve been able to see the role Jason performs. I’ve realized much of the pre hospital care I’ve done carries over so well to the PA profession, revealing similar characteristics. You work as a team, listen to your patients, obtain a history, assess, diagnose and treat. You work under the direction of a Doctor as part of a health care system with one goal in mind, to prevent, heal and provide optimal care.

                                     

At my job with the Cardiologist I have been given opportunities to travel to rural areas and provide care to underserved communities. With each diagnostic test I perform whether it is a stress test, lab draw, tilt test or bubble study I have seen the appreciation and gratitude from each of my patients. Working closely with the Doctor and PA has solidified my want to become a PA rather than a Doctor. As I’ve observed each of their interactions with the patients, I’ve realized how closely Jason gets to work along side the patient throughout their designated treatment plans. Follow through which I cannot achieve as a paramedic. Being a paramedic has given me knowledge and I like progression. I want to challenge my understanding and broaden my comprehension of the disease process, expand upon my mind and skills, all of which I can obtain as a PA.

 

Unlike the quick decisions I’ve made as a paramedic, becoming a PA has been a long meticulously thought out decision. I know I have the qualifications and skills necessary to endeavor the rigorous schooling demands. I know as a PA I can contribute back to my community and serve those around me. I can help achieve the goal of disease prevention, healing and providing optimal care. I aspire to become a Physician Assistant.

 

[kotis15]

Try to tie the beginning paragraph into the rest of your essay. Right now it isn't really relevant to what you talk about later. Or consider taking it out and beginning with the stroke patient. I feel like the second paragraph can be taken out as well. You can talk about being introduced to the profession somewhere else.

There are a few grammatical errors that can be fixed easily (sentences that are not complete sentences, commas, etc.). Also, doctor, physician assistant, cardiologist, patient, etc. do not need to be capitalized.

There is a lot of "I" in this essay. Try to incorporate more "we" in your essay, especially when talking about your work as a paramedic. You have a partner that contributed in some way to the patient's outcome, right? This will show you have the ability to work well as a team (important for the PA profession).

Try to tie in what you've said earlier into your conclusion to really pull it all together.

It's good, just a few edits and you should be ready to submit it when the new cycle opens. Good luck!

[oawad]

In your personal statement you should try to speak more about yourself rather than just listing off your accomplishments and experiences. It almost seems like your essay is bullet points about different experiences. 

I would recommend trying to talk a bit more about yourself and maybe focus on a single experience and expand on how that experience has driven you to become a PA. 

[jaredlj3]

Thanks for your thoughts and input