Please Critique My Personal Statement

[valerialynch]

Hello Everyone!

 

I hope you can help me by critiquing the rough draft of my personal statement. I still have to work on the last paragraph shown and write my conclusion. Thank You!

 

I remember when I was a high school freshman, and I heard the blaring sirens of fire trucks driving by to a call that would forever change my life. When I looked out my bedroom window from the Bronx and saw with my own eyes the cloud of debris that was once the World Trade Center, I was sincerely able to appreciate the concept of life. This well-known tragedy made me realize many more lives are also jeopardized on a daily basis due to poor health. I was then inspired to pursue a healthcare profession where I could actively participate in treating patients.

After high school, I enrolled at .... University as a proud and motivated first generation college student with a concentration in the sciences. Towards the beginning of my undergraduate experience, my parents filed for a divorce, and my grades suffered. I tried to picture myself as a successful professional as a means of motivation to help make my schoolwork be the ultimate priority once again. However, this was a bit difficult because I wanted to interact with patients similar to a doctor or nurse, but felt no passion to pursue either profession. I expressed my dilemma to my cousin, a cancer care supervisor at Winthrop University Hospital in New York, and she advised me of the many career options in healthcare. The only one that seemed to be in most accord with my personal objectives was the physician assistant, a profession that I had never heard of before. After doing my own research on the roles and responsibilities of a PA, I felt like this was the career choice that suited me the best.

The autonomy of the PA in healthcare settings was an idea I could not entirely grasp until I shadowed physician assistants at ..., ...., and .... I was impressed with all the decision-making the PAs were capable of without the supervising physicians nearby, particularly diagnosing. However, the PA and supervising physician form a team that ensures proper treatment of their patients, especially the ones with complicated cases. All the PAs that I have worked with expressed their content with the profession. They were free to practice in just about every specialty, unlike medical doctors and nurse practitioners. My passion to become a PA continued to grow every time I shadowed one.

In order to provide community service and further develop my professional skills, I became an active member in several student organizations, most of which had a medical focus. Although I was participating in many events that helped to make a difference to the community, I wanted to create a new health event that could become a tradition at .... I proposed a walk for cystic fibrosis to my advisor of the Biological Honor Society, who conducted research on this disease at .... Within a short matter of time, I was appointed as the Public Relations Committee Chair for this event. It was my duty to educate my peers and fellow student organizations about this rare disease, the medical breakthroughs that have been recently made to treat it, and encourage their participation in the walk. The first Great Strides Walk-a-thon for Cystic Fibrosis hosted by ... succeeded in collecting a significant amount of funds that went towards the treatments of cystic fibrosis patients. This initiative emphasized my desire to help those with rare diseases obtain more effective treatments, if not a cure.

Last year, I applied to several physician assistant programs, but was not offered admission. The initial disappointment served as a bigger motivation to continue pursuing my goal. The general feedback from the directors was to get more direct patient care and take more science courses to elevate my grade point average. I was driven to take full advantage of the next year to involve myself more in medical settings to continue learning more about the field and how important the physician assistant is in patient care.

To be exposed to a wider variety of patient cases, I focused on getting more experience in emergency and urgent care settings, where no two days were ever the same. I completed an emergency medical technician (EMT) course. As an EMT student, I learned how to communicate with patients and applied basic skills to real patients in the fire rescue trucks and emergency room. The EMT training helped me get a position as a clinical assistant at .....Center. My duties included recording patients’ medical histories and vital signs, and relaying the information to the PAs and doctor on staff. Being a member of the heath care team provided a better understanding of patient care: the procedures, the diagnostic testing, the medications, and the importance of communication with the patients and among the team members. I built rapports with the physician assistants, and they welcomed any questions I had regarding the patients. Upon my national EMT certification, I diligently sought a second job, preferably in the emergency room. In order to expand my medical knowledge, I applied to the biomedical science Master’s program at .... University, which granted me acceptance. The coursework will offer a variety of classes, which may direct my interest to certain specialties.

[kooljessie2007]

Good content. Great way of incorporating what you've done since the last cycle. I'm sure the commitees are going to appreciate your efforts. But that ending...well, there really is no ending to your statement. I can't think of a specific way you can end it, but I'm sure you can think of something :) But one thing's for sure, it needs one.

[rrasbe1]

In my opinion, the overall message and concept of your narrative is strong and carries well. Some of the wording in the first paragraph could be cleaned up and more direct, which I'm sure you will accomplish as you produce additional drafts of your narrative. I would keep in mind that the admins reading your narrative will also be reading hundreds of others as well. That being said, your intro needs to be exceptionally captivating. Best of luck!