PS Revision

[Mantics]

Hey all, I did some revisions on my PS feeling more confident but still a little unsure. Any feedback would be great!

 

My interest in medicine dates back to my elementary school days. My father was a Pharmacist, a member of the Jamaica Labor Party, and at the time my idol regardless of the fact that I rarely saw him. Although he was my trigger for wanting to pursue a medical career, I realized I had an actual interest in the field since the sciences fascinated me. Anatomy, in particular, appealed to me, which translated through my middle school science fair projects where I consistently placed first or second. Despite my father, my greatest inspiration and motivation for pursuing this career is my mother. She sacrificed her livelihood and comfort to give me the best life she possibly could. My mother and I immigrated to America when I was 10; she said to get me a better education. We moved from a roomy two-bedroom apartment to a cramped two bedroom with three other people. She tried to keep me in Catholic school while we bounced to and from apartments due to multiple financial difficulties. I noticed how difficult it was for my mother, as a single parent, so I tried to relieve her stress by doing my best in school and activities. I spent more time in extracurricular activities than anyone I had known and more time living in the library. Occasionally, I thought I spent too much time on them but was quick to comprehend the importance of spending that time in order to be above average. Coming to that understanding at a young age has aided me in prioritizing my goals. My mother’s endurance through difficult times has been an encouragement to me. She has taught me patience, perseverance and strength, all qualities I believe will aid me on my path to a Physician Assistant. I have applied those not only to my studies but also to my hobbies.

Running competitively for 14 years has shaped who I am today because of the values I take from it and put towards my ambitions. Being a constant in my life, it has influenced my methods to approaching obstacles that I might face. As a 400-meter sprinter, I was on the cusp between short and long distance. I had speed that was tough to contend with and enough endurance to last the entire run. My training focused on maintaining that speed for a longer duration. At times, I had reached a plateau where I thought I could not progress. I practiced hard and competed harder with no results. I felt burnt out and frustrated. Yet, I had goals that I wanted to accomplish so I never conceded, and ultimately with my persistence I was able to hurdle over them. I was never the best, however, I learned the important thing was to best myself, not others. Therefore, when taking action I concentrate on my progress and understanding to develop my abilities. By learning how to push myself physically, I have discovered how to push myself mentally. Having a passion for medicine is not enough, and I am willing to dedicate my time to studying, learning and applying no matter what hurdle stands before me. Along with my hobbies, I find motivations in everything I do.

I spent one summer working at a summer camp as a group leader, for fifteen 6 year-olds and two co-group leaders. It was a lot of work keeping track of and entertaining young kids all day but I loved it. One of my favorite kids was Logan. At first, he was a diffident child who opposed partaking in most activities, yet when I talked to him alone I got him to open up and play. However, about halfway into the summer he became my group’s biggest problem, having frequent temper outbursts and refusing everyone’s help, including the other children. Sometimes it came to a point where even the other group leaders did not want to cope with him, but I was patient with him. Although I was no exception to his outbursts, I seemed to be the only person able to calm him down. His triggers were trivial and his lack of self-confidence troubled me. Since I helped him with his breakdowns, I spent most of my time trying to bolster him up. By the end of summer, he had fewer outbursts and became very special to me. This experience further reinforced my decision to be a Physician Assistant and especially to work in pediatrics. I have always had a strong work ethic; I am committed to becoming a Physician Assistant for the reason that it encompasses everything I want in a profession by providing excellent health care while maintaining a close, professional relationship with patients.

[alleycat]

I've tried to put in bold/ red color what I think should be deleted or rephrased...if the latter, my own words will follow....BUT !!! PLEASE reword what ever I've written since this PS needs to have your footprint on the entire work. other just bolded stuff is communication. BLUE IS JUST BECAUSE i'M OLD AND GET CONPHUZED EASILY:smile:

 

My interest in medicine dates back to my elementary school days. My father was a Pharmacist, a member of the Jamaica Labor Party, and at the time my idol regardless of the fact that I rarely saw him.Although he was my trigger for wanting to pursue a medical career, I realized I had an actual interest in the field since the sciences fascinated me. Anatomy, in particular, appealed to me, which translated through my middle school science fair projects where I consistently placed first or second. SO, WHAT WERE YOUR ANATOMY SCIENCE FAIR?? IF THEY WERE NOT ANATOMY THEN YOUR SENTENCE IS TWICE-TOPIC~ED AND INCONSISTANT.

 

Despite IN ADDITION TO my father, my greatest inspiration and motivation ( SHE MOTIVATED YOU TO BE THE BEST YOU COULD BE...SHE APPARENTLY DID NOT ACT AS A MEDICAL/MEDICINE/SCIENCE ROLE MODEL. YOU ARE STILL GIVING MORE SPACE IN THIS PS TO HER ACHIEVEMENTS. MAKE THIS ABOUT YOU...NOT JUST THAT YOU EMULATE HER SPIRIT AND PERSISTENCE !!!!). She sacrificed her livelihood and comfort to give me the best life she possibly could. My mother and I immigrated to America when I was 10; she said to get me a better education. We moved from a roomy two-bedroom apartment to a cramped two bedroom with three other people. She tried to keep me in Catholic school while we bounced to and from apartments due to multiple financial difficulties. I noticed how difficult it was for my mother, as a single parent, so I tried to relieve her stress by doing my best in school and activities. . My mother’s endurance through difficult times has been an encouragement to me. She has taught me patience, perseverance and strength, all qualities I believe will aid me on my path to a Physician Assistant. I have applied those not only to my studies but also to my hobbies. SEE BELOW COMMENT

I spent more time in extracurricular activities than anyone I had known and more time living in the library. Occasionally, I thought I spent too much time on them (DID THIS LIMIT YOUR TEEN SOCIAL LIFE?? A SENTENCE ABOUT THAT WOULD BE GOOD HERE = SACRIFICE FOR THE LONG TERM REWARD??)but was quick to comprehend the importance of spending that time in order to be above average. Coming to that understanding at a young age has aided me in prioritizing my goals

. My mother’s endurance through difficult times has been an encouragement to me. She has taught me patience, perseverance and strength, all qualities I believe will aid me on my path to a Physician Assistant. I have applied those not only to my studies but also to my hobbies. THIS WOULD READ WELL AS i'VE PASTED IT ABOVE....IT GIVES A CONCISE AND TRANSITIONAL ADDITION TO YOUR MOM AND HOW SHE FIT INTO YOUR

DESTINY

 

 

THIS NEXT PARA IS i'M GUESSING "YOUR HOBBIES"??? MAKE THAT STATEMENT AND YOU TRANSITION THE PARAGRAPHS VERY VERY NICELY Running competitively for 14 years has shaped who I am today because of the values I take from it and put towards my ambitions. Being a constant in my life, it has influenced my methods to approaching obstacles that I might face. As a 400-meter sprinter, I was on the cusp between short and long distance. I had speed that was tough to contend with and enough endurance to last the entire run. My training focused on maintaining that speed for a longer duration. At times, I had reached a plateau where I thought I could not progress. I practiced hard and competed harder with no results. I felt burnt out and frustrated. Yet, I had goals that I wanted to accomplish so I never conceded, and ultimately with my persistence I was able to hurdle over them. I was never the best, however, I learned the important thing was to best myself, not others. Therefore, when taking action I concentrate on my progress and understanding to develop my abilities. By learning how to push myself physically, I have discovered how to push myself mentally. THIS PARAGRAPH IS OUTSTANDING. WELL WORDED...i 'FEEL' YOUR PASSION IN IT. GREAT WORK!

 

Having a passion for medicine is not enough, and I am willing to dedicate my time to studying, learning and applying no matter what hurdle stands before me. THIS IS A NICE SENTENCE BUT I THINK IT WOULD READ BETTER IN YOUR CONCLUDING PARAGRAPH...WHICH BTW....AS YOU WROTE THIS 2ND PIECE, IT ONLY HAD 2 PARAGRAPHS....FIX IT SO THAT IT HAS 3 , NOT MORE THAN 4......INTRODUCTION, 2ND, 3RD, CONCLUSION.

 

along AS with my hobbies, I find motivations* in everything I do.

I spent one summer working at a summer camp as a group leader, for fifteen 6 year-olds and two co-group leaders. It was a lot of work keeping track of and entertaining young kids all day but I loved it. One of my favorite kids was Logan. At first, he was a diffident child who opposed partaking in most activities, yet when I talked to him alone I got him to open up and play. However, about halfway into the summer he became my group’s biggest problem, having frequent temper outbursts and refusing everyone’s help, including the other children. Sometimes it came to a point where even the other group leaders did not want to cope with him, but I was patient with him. Although I was no exception to his outbursts, I seemed to be the only person able to calm him down. His triggers were trivial and his lack of self-confidence troubled me. Since I helped him with his breakdowns, I spent most of my time trying to bolster him up. By the end of summer, he had fewer outbursts and became very special to me. This experience further reinforced my decision to be a Physician Assistant and especially to work in pediatricsAGAIN, THIS ANECDOTE IS GREAT PS STUFF. AND CONSIDER ENDING THE PARA HERE.....YOU HAVE A GOOD TRANSITIONAL SENTENCE IN NEXT "PARA" . (AS I'VE SPLIT 'EM):smile:

 

. I have always had a strong work ethic; I am committed to becoming a Physician Assistant for the reason that it encompasses everything I want in a profession by providing excellent health care while maintaining a close, professional relationship with patients . Having a passion for medicine is not enough, and I am willing to dedicate my time to studying, learning and applying no matter what hurdle stands before me. THIS IS . MY CUT & PASTE HAS SOMEWHAT MANGLED THIS ENDING WITH DUPLICATE SENTIMENTS.....YOU COULD MIX IT UP AGAIN AND SMOOTH IT OUT.

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i hope this is helpful. remember ...very important that it be your PS, not mine.:smile: feel free to pvt mssg me.

[alleycat]

PAMAC, glad to see your post. when I critique, most of my thoughts are geared toward Report Writing 101. the PSs need comments like yours on Better Content. just sayin':smile:

[Mantics]

you dont mention any paid direct patient care experience. there is no mention of anything you've done in healthcare. what are you putting in your application for...a coach or summer camp director? you've demonstrated bona fides for those two positions. i wouldnt turn that in like that.

 

im a pt aide and i volunteer with the ambulance. ive only been there for about 3 or so months and didn't want to throw it in there just because. also i'm just confused as to where i would even put it and if i should discuss a certain patient or just mention that i do it.

[alleycat]

im a pt aide and i volunteer with the ambulance. ive only been there for about 3 or so months and didn't want to throw it in there just because. also i'm just confused as to where i would even put it .

 

try putting it after your "find motivation in everything" sentence. don't JUST MENTION IT. how does it make you feel?? have you learned anything about yourself?? or medicine??? or sick people?? did you HAVE a memorable pt (like camp kid).?? transition the HCE portion into your camp stuff..see if it reads smoothly. consider adding another para (#5?)

[Mantics]

Ok guys, this is my final revision so far. I feel much more confident about it! :smile: I took ur advice PAMAC and put in some heathcare experience. After many adjustments, i think it definitely makes it stronger. And alleycat, thanks so much for all your help! Any more final (hopefully) feedback would be great!!

 

 

 

My interest in medicine dates back to my elementary school days. My father was a Pharmacist and my trigger for wanting to pursue a medical career. The sciences fascinated me; anatomy, in particular, which translated through my middle school science fair projects on the heart, lungs and the excretory system, where I consistently placed first or second. In addition to my father, my greatest inspiration and motivation for pursuing this career is my mother. My mother’s endurance through difficult times has been an encouragement to me. She has taught me patience, perseverance and strength, all qualities I believe will aid me on my path to a Physician Assistant. I have applied those not only to my studies but also to my hobbies. I spent more time in extracurricular activities than anyone I had known and more time living in the library. My social life was never active due to that, which I occasionally regretted. I thought I spent too much time on them but was quick to comprehend the importance of spending that time in order to be above average. Coming to that understanding at a young age has aided me in prioritizing my goals.

 

My primary hobby throughout life has been track. Running competitively for 14 years has shaped who I am today because of the values I take from it and put towards my ambitions. Being a constant in my life, it has influenced my methods to approaching obstacles that I might face. As a 400-meter sprinter, I was on the cusp between short and long distance. I had speed that was tough to contend with and enough endurance to last the entire run. My training focused on maintaining that speed for a longer duration. At times, I had reached a plateau where I thought I could not progress. I practiced hard and competed harder with no results. I felt burnt out and frustrated. Yet, I had goals that I wanted to accomplish so I never conceded, and ultimately with my persistence I was able to hurdle over them. I was never the best, however, I learned the important thing was to best myself, not others. Therefore, when taking action I concentrate on my progress and understanding to develop my abilities. By learning how to push myself physically, I have discovered how to push myself mentally.

 

As with my hobbies, I find motivation in everything I do. I spent one summer working at a summer camp as a group leader, for fifteen 6 year-olds and two co-group leaders. It was a lot of work keeping track of and entertaining young kids all day but I loved it. One of my favorite kids was Logan. At first, he was a diffident child who opposed partaking in most activities, yet when I talked to him alone I got him to open up and play. However, about halfway into the summer he became my group’s biggest problem, having frequent temper outbursts and refusing everyone’s help, including the other children. Sometimes it came to a point where even the other group leaders did not want to cope with him, but I was patient with him. Although I was no exception to his outbursts, I seemed to be the only person able to calm him down. His triggers were trivial and his lack of self-confidence troubled me. Since I helped him with his breakdowns, I spent most of my time trying to bolster him up. By the end of summer, he had fewer outbursts and became very special to me. This experience further reinforced my decision to be a Physician Assistant and especially to work in pediatrics.

 

In addition, working as a Physical Therapy Aide and volunteering with my local ambulance has also solidified this decision. Dealing with the patients’ different personas in a professional manner is not a simple task. It can be nerve-racking and overwhelming yet I can handle it. The ambulance had once gotten a call for a middle-aged woman who had taken multiple sleeping pills. Upon arrival, her door was locked, and police and firefighters fought for ten minutes to force it open. The EMT told me to get the defibrillator in case she needed CPR. Never having provided CPR outside the classroom, I calmly began going over each step in my head to prepare myself. The woman was unconscious but breathing after we broke in, so I set up the oxygen tank, which I had learned just that morning. In the end, the woman was all right. These experiences demonstrate my ability to adapt to a situation despite their severity.

 

I have always had a strong work ethic. I am committed to becoming a Physician Assistant for the reason that it encompasses everything I want in a profession by providing excellent health care while maintaining a close, professional relationship with patients. Having a passion for medicine is not enough, and I am willing to dedicate my time to studying and learning no matter what hurdle stands before me.

[alleycat]

MANTICS, good job ! ! didn't find spelling errors, grammar errors. but would like others to check it, too. your para transitions are good...and your work with HCE has become commendable !! lot's of work since that 1st draft. let me paste one sentence that slowed down my reading.

 

I was never the best, however, I learned the important thing was to best myself, not others. sounds like a true statement and nothing grammatically askew, but those first 5 words... I don't know. the rest of the sentence , the sentiment expressed is very good and a good skill to let them know you have. i'll leave it up to you. hopefully others will comment too.

 

 

good job and good luck..........alleycat