Please look at my personal statement, Its rough and needs your love.

[Cvarady]

Hi everyone, I'm getting close to finishing my personalstatement. I would love if you could spend a few minutes reading it and givingme constructive criticism!

 

 

The ambulance shifted into reverseand I began to fumble through her packet.I looked up, took a deep breath and asked her if she was warm enough, she smiled nervously and nodded yes pulling the blanket closer to her body andlooking away towards the street. The bandages on her wrist concealed the evidence of a night scattered in bad decisions and desperation. The contents ofthe ambulance jerked backwards as my partner shifts the ambulance back to drive and we embarked on our journey to --------- -------hospital.

Working on the Advanced Life Support Ambulance as an EMT my skills were refined by the intensity of the job. No call was alike, and with eachone I obtained greater knowledge and understanding as a health care provider. Working in the heart of the Puyallup reservation was shockingly different then working the quiet suburbs I had come from. We ran calls that ranged from serious trauma to critically ill; our patients often suffered from severe alcoholism, homelessness and drug abuse.The majority of our patients lacked the means to be seen by a health care provider and most had not seen a doctor in years. I became frustrated with how little I could help these people. It was here, while transporting a young woman to a local hospital that I met my first physician Assistant (PA). Her tactics exhibited integrity and strategy when she assessed the young girl’s circumstances. During the transport I remember how nervous she was to be seen, but once in the care of this PA her spirit was lifted. Witnessing her compassion and clinical expertise inspired me; my heart and mind were united in my desire to become a physician assistant.

I spent the following months researching, working and learning all I could about this profession. Knowing that I could accomplish so much more if equipped with experience and knowledge,I left the area and people I had grown to love to take the opportunity to gain valuable patient contact experience at Northwest Hospital working as an ER technician. In the ER I quickly became an integral part of a cohesive group, working along side doctors, EMS, and nurses taught me the necessary skills to better treat patients and provide a continuity of care that I had not experienced working asa first responder. Because of my eager and inquisitive nature, the ER physicians welcomed me to assist in many procedures exposing me to advanced techniques and medicine that would prepare me for my dream. In every situation I was the first one to volunteer for a learning experience, regardless of how invasive it was. During a conscious sedation, one of our physicians directed me on how to properly reduce a hip injury, feeling the “thud” as the head of the femur slip back into the acetabulum left a feeling of satisfaction that I had never felt before. With each new experience and learned skill, I was eager to gain more knowledge than ever before.

In addition to my work experience, my education and mentorship was equally important. After working months in the hospital, I was given the opportunity to shadow physician assistants at A Group Health UrgentCare. <Coming up with example about following megan the PA>.During my eight hour shift I saw that each day in the life of a PA was a continuum of learning, even after Megan had earned her degree, the lessons never seemed to end.

Additionally, my education was the next step in my journey. In the past, while attending school my grades suffered when my mom was diagnosed with severe lupus. I juggled taking care of her, working full time, and going to school. Although school became difficult due to this unforeseen circumstance, I learned that I could be successful in my pursuit of knowledge even during on of the most difficult times in my life. With a new found love for medicine, I enrolled in every science class that would advance and educate me towards fulfilling all of my prerequisites. I dedicated myself to learning as much as I could and received impeccable grades that reflected my determination. My passion for science has now exploded into a hunger for deeper knowledge and understanding of the human body.

Although this journey has required tremendous hard work, dedication, and sacrifice it has all been worth it due to the passion that fuels me and the lifetime I will dedicate towards doing what I love. After working in the medical field for over five years now, attaining an education towards my future, and being mentored by physicians assistants have all been steps along my journey leading me to this point. It is now,that I would ask you boldly to accept me into your program, knowing full well I will dedicate all that I am to becoming a PA but also to help establish a newbar of compassion within the healthcare industry.

[alleycat]

The ambulance shifted into reverse and I began to fumble through her packet.I looked up, took a deep breath and asked her if she was warm enough, .she smiled nervously and nodded yes pulling the blanket closer to her body and looking away towards the street. The bandages on her wrist concealed the evidence of a night scattered in bad decisions and desperation. The contents ofthe ambulance ( medical/emergency supplies) ((use 'ambulance' just once=same sentence. smoother))jerked backwards as my partner shifts the ambulance back to drive and we embarked on our journey to --------- -------hospital.

Working on the Advanced Life Support Ambulance as an EMT my skills were refined by the intensity of the job. No call was alike, and with eachone I obtained greater knowledge and understanding as a health care provider. Working in the heart of the Puyallup reservation was shockingly different then(than) working the quiet suburbs I had come from. We ran calls that ranged from serious trauma to critically ill; our patients often suffered from severe alcoholism, homelessness and drug abuse.The majority of our patients lacked the means to be seen by a health care provider and most had not seen a doctor in years. I became frustrated with how little I could help these people. It was here, while transporting((...consider using "...the young woman to the local hospital. this re-phrasing tends to pull together this paragraph with your opening scenario.)) a young woman to a local hospital that I met my first physician Assistant (PA). Her tactics exhibited integrity and strategy when she assessed the young girl’s (bandaged wrists)circumstances. During the transport I remember how nervous she was to be seen, but once in the care of this PA her spirit was lifted. Witnessing her compassion and clinical expertise inspired me; my heart and mind were united in my desire to become a physician assistant. ((very nicely phrased))

cvvvvvv(( try to rework this section. you have two females as subjects and the pronoun "she"..leaves a bit of a jolt...which female are you talking about?? it is not a major glitch..just would read more smoothly))

this is all I can critique right now. let me know if you want me to go over the rest. so far, your narrative is good...not quite as rough as you may have thought.

[Cvarady]

Thank you very much for your time. I really appreciated your feed back and look forward to utilizing your suggestions. I would love for you to look over the rest of my paper, and feedback I can get would be amazing right now.

[alleycat]

hey Cvarady. actually i enjoy grammer and writing. however, you should be careful that whatever suggestions I make, are just that. this PS needs your footprint on it, not mine. so be sure to turn anything I suggest into what you would write. also, I learned grammer (and gramper,too :wink:) old school. so excuse my nouns/verbs clauses & gerunds.

 

I spent the following months researching, working and learning all I could about this profession.((...,ing ing ..ing. perhaps one too many 'ing's. as Meatloaf said: "two outta three ain't bad")) Knowing that I could accomplish so much more if equipped with experience and knowledge,I left the area and people I had grown to love to take the opportunity to gain valuable patient contact experience at Northwest Hospital working as an ER technician. In the ER I quickly became an integral part of a cohesive group ((I would end the sentence here and begin next sentence with Working. I notice you use a lot of gerunds, not that they are bad, they just are sneaky and can make a sentence make no sense...a reading hiccup)) Working along side doctors, EMS, and nurses taught me the necessary skills to better treat patients and provide a continuity of care that I had not experienced working asa ((be sure to proff your document for words without a space between them. I have seen several in your original draft, but they disappear when I cut and past, but new one appear...so perhaps a text glitch))first responder. Because of my eager and inquisitive nature, the ER physicians welcomed me to assist in many procedures ((GERUND. try...."procedures that exposed me...")) exposing me to advanced techniques and medicine that would prepare me for my dream. In every situation I was the first one to volunteer for a learning experience, regardless of how invasive it was. During a conscious sedation, one of our physicians directed me on how to properly reduce a hip injury, feeling the “thud” as the head of the femur slip back into the acetabulum left a feeling of satisfaction that I had never felt before. With each new experience and learned skill, I was eager to gain more knowledge than ever before. (( your phrasing of 'feeling the thud' is great. I felt the thud as I read it !))

In addition to my work experience, my education and mentorship was(('were' plural nouns)) equally important. After working months in the hospital, I was given the opportunity to shadow physician assistants at A Group Health UrgentCare. <Coming up with example about following megan the PA>.During my eight hour shift I saw that each day in the life of a PA was a continuum of learning, even after Megan had earned her degree, the lessons never seemed to end.

((absolutely correct and very nicely phrased !!))

(( you used 'addition' in above and cited your education there as well. I'd rework this following papagraph, lose one of those 'addition's and fix the double "education" mention. "remediation" is a nice word to use when refering to bring up your grades)) Additionally, my education was the next step in my journey. In the past, while attending school my grades suffered when my mom was diagnosed with severe lupus. I juggled taking care of her, working full time, and going to school. Although school became difficult due to this unforeseen circumstance, I learned that I could be successful in my pursuit of knowledge even during on of the most difficult times in my life. With a new found love for medicine, I enrolled in every science class that would advance and educate me towards fulfilling all of my prerequisites. I dedicated myself to learning as much as I could and received impeccable (all grades were solid As?? if not, use a different adjective)) grades that reflected my determination. My passion for science has now exploded into a hunger for deeper knowledge and understanding of the human body.

Although this journey has required tremendous hard work, dedication, and sacrifice it has all been worth it due to the passion that fuels me and the lifetime I will dedicate towards doing what I love. After working (gerund) in the medical field for over five years now, attaining ( gerund) an education towards my future, and being mentored (( reads rough. got a ...ing, ...ing,...ed. i'd rework it, perhaps with 2 sentences or one sentence with clause)) by physicians assistants have all been steps along my journey leading me to this point. It is now that I would boldly ask you to accept me into your program, knowing full well (( who is knowing full well?? the staff?? you??)) I will dedicate all that I am to becoming a PA but also to help establish a newbar of compassion within the healthcare industry.

 

overall you have a good PS. just some grammer ickies. I have a close friend with SLE, had it for years now, I hope your mom is doing better. alleycat

[alleycat]

oh...and don't proff your document...proof it :wink::O_O:

[Cvarady]

Thank you, Thank you, and Thank you!! You have been a great help. Your style of critique is phenomenal, you not only helped me see possible flaws in my paper but you made me feel confident about my writing. I am forever grateful. I hope you have a wonderful week.

[IdahoPA]

Puyallup sounds familiar. Washington?

Anyhow, a few things:

1.) What packet? I really have no idea what you're talking about here. Her information packet?

2.) Make sure your verb tense is consistent throughout. You use both "shifted" and "shifts" in the same paragraph of the same story; stick with either past or present tense.

3.) "She smiled nervously..." needs to be a separate sentence.

4.) "Working as an EMT," add comma

5.) different THAN, not different then

6.) uncapitalize Assistant in your first usage of physician assistant

7.) "In the ER....group." End sentence, begin the other.

8.) "...hip injury." End of sentence. "Feeling the thud..."

9.) "My education and _____ WERE equally important..." plural subj= plural verb

10.) I don't think a big story about Meghan is necessary. You're doing just fine on your own here.

11.) Hmmm. You already introduce your education, don't talk about it, then re-introduce it. I'm not in love with the flow of that. Also, be careful of overusing "additionally" and "in addition" especially back to back.

12.) newfound is one word (had to look it up in the dictionary to be sure. :D )

13.) comma after "sacrifice"

14.) I'm also not overly excited about the last sentence. Though I definitely get the motivation for adding it. I wanted to say, "Thanks for reading!" at the end of mine. Didn't, but it does feel like you should acknowledge your readers, no?

Ok, looks like a lot, but actually, I rather like it. I think you manage to tell us a lot about you without sounding arrogant. Instead, I get the feeling of a person who genuinely cares for her patients and is both well aware of the steps necessary to become a PA and willing to work hard.

Good luck!!

[Cvarady]

Thank you very much l.a.lewis! Your suggestions were really helpful. I revised the issues you commented about for for my third paragraph. How does this work?

I combined the paragraphs and cut out some fat.

In addition to my work experience,my education and mentorship were equally important. After working months in the hospital, I wasgiven the opportunity to shadow physician assistants at A Group Health UrgentCare. During my eight hour shifts I sawthat each day in the life of a PA was a continuum of learning, even after theyhad earned thier degree, the lessons never seemed to end. My education was thenext step in my journey. In the past, while attending school my grades sufferedwhen my mom was diagnosed with system lupus erythematosus. I juggled taking care of her, working fulltime, and going to school. Althoughschool became difficult due to this unforeseen circumstance, I learned that Icould be successful in my pursuit of knowledge even during on of the mostdifficult times in my life. With a new found love for medicine, I enrolled inevery science class that would advance and educate me towards fulfilling all ofmy prerequisites. I dedicate myself tolearning as much as I can; my remediated grades reflect my determination. My passion for science has exploded into ahunger for deeper knowledge and understanding of the human body.

[alleycat]

nice, very nice.

[Cvarady]

Im torn with the decision to change my ending. what do you think?

 

What isthe greatest gift god has given man? Is it the gift of knowledge, curiosity,and desire or is it the ability to dream; to imagine a world that can only beachieved by relinquishing doubt and surrendering to the idea that there isgreat potential in oneself. A real dream can captivate a person; it can changethe whole foundation upon how they think, function and carry out their days.Two years ago while working with the people of the Puyallup tribe such a dreamchanged me.

[Just Steve]

Fix your sticky space bar on your computer keyboard. Many of the errors in your writing were a simple lack of space between the words. While I understand that you claim your writing is in the rough...is it really fair to ask people to wade through distractions to find the gems in your work? A rough draft is for you to tweak. After you have tweaked things to what you think is a decent job, then ask for critique. This way it preserves your style and story and we simply help polish it.

 

That being said, you have some great experience behind you. The bits about the jerking ambulance and looking through her packet is unneeded fluff though. You identify yourself as an EMT working an ALS car so I assume you have a paramedic partner. With the mention of a packet, I assume this is an interfacility transport of a BLS nature. As a paramedic, I see these as great times to chat up the patient a bit or at least make yourself available to them should they feel like talking. Burying yourself in paperwork, looking distracted is an avoidance technique used when you don't want to talk to patients. My point? You don't want to look anything but completely attentive to your patients. Talking about how the ambulance was jerking around or the paperwork tells me your mind wasn't on your patient. That may not be the impression you want to give an AdCom reading your work.

[alleycat]

i liked the original ending...but that is me....listen to yourself...why????do you want to change the ending????something YOU feel or something critiqued?? if the latter, remember, we are making suggestions...not requiring, demanding ((gerund, gerund))) that you conform. listen to yourself.

alleycat

[Cvarady]

Thanks Just Steve for your opinion, Everytime I copy and paste the words get bunched together.

 

Alleycat: I totally agree I was getting the case of the jitters :xD:and was starting to doubt my paper. I took time away from it and returned today refreshed and confident in the original ending. Thank you. I apply in one hour.... I am very excited for this part to be over. :;-D:

[Valeevad]

I really liked it, and hope you got into a program you wanted!