Any Feedback Helps!

[SouthDakotaKid]

I am wondering if my conclusion is strong enough. I will take any and all suggestions! If you think of a better way I can conclude my personal statement, it's greatly appreciated!

 

I would also like feedback on the whole personal statement and not just the conclusion if that wasn't clear from above. Thank you!

 

 

 

When I began my job at Avera McKennan Hospital and University Health Center, I was nervous. Humans have an innate desire to be well liked and I am no different. I was nervous that I wouldn’t do a good job because it was my first job in a hospital setting. After my first day on the brain and spine unit, I wasn’t nervous anymore.

            I was learning all the everyday tasks that needed to be completed by a patient care technician and to be honest, I was overwhelmed with all the new information that I was taking in. One thing I was never nervous about or overwhelmed with, was conversing with the patients. Walking into a room to take vitals was new to me, but demonstrating respectful bedside manner came so naturally, it felt like I had been doing it for years. The nurses appreciated my willingness to help. I’m not afraid to ask questions if I don’t understand how or why something works and it helped me on my first day at Avera McKennan. I didn’t get nervous coming into work on my second day. I had the tools needed to be a successful part of their health team and was excited to work. But a couple weeks later, the nervousness came back.

            I got to work, and while receiving report from the night nurse about a patient named “Maria,” the nurse said, “Maria only speaks Spanish.” I have a minor in Spanish and studied abroad in Spain but I had never spoken Spanish in a medical setting. I walked into her room, greeted her, and asked her if I could bring her anything. Her face lit up with a smile and she asked for a cup of Jell-O. Never in my life had I seen someone so grateful to receive a cup of Jell-O. At that moment, the nervousness vanished. Everyday I would stop in Maria’s room and check up on her. Each day we would converse in Spanish and she would laugh at me when I made mistakes but that was the best way for me to learn. Maria stayed on our unit for about two months. We built a relationship over those two months and I was there on the day she was discharged. Before she left, she looked at me with a tear in her eye and she gave me a hug. She thanked me for everything the hospital had done for her and with a big smile on her face, she waved goodbye. Maria didn’t care if I wasn’t fluent and I didn’t care that she would laugh at me when I made a mistake because I could tell how greatly she appreciated my efforts to show that I cared.

            During my time at Avera McKennan I have been touched by the lives of many, and not only the patients. Working with Avera has confirmed my passion for working within a health team. There are a lot of moving parts and each one is valuable to an effective team. While shadowing and working alongside John, one of the PAs at Avera, I began to fall more in love with the profession. John wore many hats. I observed as he went from being a good listener, to a supportive educator and an effective communicator. I was drawn not only to his intellect and compassion but also to his flexibility to change up a treatment plan if a patient seemed unsatisfied. John worked autonomously but often consulted with his attending physician. I like picturing myself working within a health team like that and knowing I can continue to learn more from my physician every day.

            When I first started this application process a few months ago, I was nervous. I wondered if becoming a PA was the right profession for me. After my experiences with Avera McKennan I can say I am no longer nervous. I am confident I can wear the many hats like John and effectively communicate with patients like Maria. I am no longer nervous for this journey. I am confident that I can wear many hats like John. I am confident that I can communicate effectively like I did with Maria and most importantly, I am confident that I can become a great physician assistant.

[lastone]

I really like the second half of this; your relationship with your patient is spot-on. But did you know you use the word "nervous," in some form or another, 10 times? It makes you sound like a nervous person in general, not exactly the type of person an admissions panel is looking for! I would definitely not end the statement by wondering if being a PA is the right profession for you. Even if you conclude that it is, the wondering is what stands out.

Also...why do you want to be a PA? I still don't know.

HTH, and good luck this cycle. :)  

[paproof]

Definitely need to express why you want to become a PA.  It's one of the most important topics to cover in your essay.