Suggestions for my personal statement....please

[DejaBlu]

Hi Everyone,

 

Thanks for reading this.  I've reading a lot of the posts on here and they have been very helpful.  I am posting what I have written so far for my personal statement.  I'm not a strong writer so any suggestions/comments would be very much appreciated.  I haven't gone through and edited for verb tense and grammar yet.  I just wanted to get a little feedback first.  I still need at least one or two more paragraphs to finish it off.  I also have a couple other people reading it too.  Please be kind when providing feedback.  This process is nerve-racking enough.  :-)  Thank you in adavance!!!

 

 

It was Saturday, March 23, 2012.  It was the last day of my ski club’s big ski trip.  We had a free day so nine of us ladies took a guided horseback riding trip through the Montana wilderness.  I was the last rider and something went terribly wrong.  I lay on the ground staring up at the blue Montana sky unable to yell or scream for help.  I was thrown from the horse I was riding and as I hit the frozen ground, I heard a crack and felt searing pain throughout my body and instinctively knew that I had just broken my back.  While we waited for the search and rescue team to arrive, two other ladies were thrown from their horses.  One was OK.  The other lady’s horse fell on her and broke her pelvis. 

 

One at a time, we were taken off the mountain being pulled on a cart behind an ATV through two excruciatingly painful miles of bumps, logs, large creeks and rocks.  Luckily, we were both transported to Bozeman Deaconess Hospital in the same ambulance.  Once in the ER, we were separated and whisked away for xrays, CT scans, bloodwork, and finally an MRI.  I was in pain, scared, alone, and wondering if I would be able to walk again.  When the on-call orthopedic surgeon was called in at midnight, I knew it wasn’t good.  My friend’s injuries were very severe and she had to have surgery in Montana.  I was in the hospital for four days and was fitted with a special clam shell brace, molded specifically for my body, which allowed me to travel home so I could have surgery at MetroHealth Medical Center.  This was the start of a journey that tested me to my core.

 

It took almost a year and a half to feel like I was back to normal again but with the exception of not being able to lift heavy things, I made a full recovery.  During my recovery, I began to reevaluate my life plans.  I had a job that I liked and worked with a great group of people but felt no passion for what I was doing.  I knew I needed to return to the medical field.  I missed the hustle and bustle of the hospital and having each day be completely different than the day before. I missed learning about the newest medical technology and procedures.  I missed helping people. 

 

I looked at several different possible careers (nurse anesthetist, nurse practitioner, respiratory therapist, physician assistant).  Ultimately, I decided upon physician assistant (PA) because it would allow me the freedom to have a healthy work-life balance while having a rewarding career. One enormous benefit of becoming a PA is that PAs have the ability to switch specialties throughout their career, if they choose.  PAs are being utilized more and more and are a vital part of the medical community. 

 

During college I struggled to balance my school work while working a full-time job in order to pay my expenses and in the end, my grades suffered.  When I made the decision to apply for the Physician Assistant program, I was worried that my previous grades from 20 years ago would prevent me from being accepting into the program now.  I knew I had to make any sacrifice necessary to complete the five semesters of prerequisites and maintain a 4.0 GPA while continuing to work full-time.  I am proud to say that three semesters into my prerequisites, I have done just that.  I have two semesters to complete and fully expect to maintain my GPA.

 

Now that I’ve explained my motivation for going to PA school, I’d like to tell you about my qualifications and experience.  I’ve worked in several areas of the healthcare field.  I worked at the Cleveland Eye Bank harvesting human eye tissue for corneal transplants and research.  I performed whole globe enucleations and corneal excisions, prepped tissue for surgery, drawn blood, reviewed patient charts, and worked with doctors, nurses, and transplant teams.  In the hospital, I worked as a unit secretary on medical-surgical and cardiac step-down (telemetry) units, as well as in the outpatient surgery units.  On the non-patient care side, I coordinated community outreach programs and most recently worked in the Marketing Department until my position was eliminated.

 

 

Most of us have been or will be a patient at some point in time but my experience was unique in that my injury occurred on a remote mountain top over 2500 miles from home and involved a search and rescue team.  I had the unpleasant experience of being a patient, a role that was not all that enjoyable.  I had some wonderful experiences and some not so wonderful experiences.  In a way, I’m very thankful for the negative experiences because I now have a much better understanding of what patients go through on a daily basis.  I am much more aware of how the smallest gesture or kind word can impact someone’s life.

 

 

Need closing paragraph(s)….

 

 

 

 

 

[Blue Goose]

In my opinion, you spent much of your character count saying very little of value.  Concentrate on why you want to be a PA [specifically], and why you will be a good one.  Use your experiences to demonstrate both.  Remember, you have a limited space, so make every word count.  Your audience (a group of PAs/PA faculty) knows the good, bad, and ugly of the PA profession--tell them why they should pick you instead of someone else.  Specific things I can recommend to you:

•    Remove your last paragraph, it's just fluff.
•    Remove anything like "Now that I’ve explained my motivation for going to PA school, I’d like to tell you about my qualifications and experience" you don't need to introduce your topics, and you waste space by doing it.   
•    Tell us more about your work in ophthalmology.  Be specific and describe what you did for your patients.
•    Condense your fifth paragraph into one or two sentences.  Adcoms will understand bad grades that were twenty years ago.
•    Write a new opening that centers on your experience in patient care.  Use details here.
•    If you want to keep the story of your injury, relate it to what you learned as a patient, and how this will benefit your future patients.
•    Remove the fourth paragraph.  Rewrite to focus on why you want to be a PA specifically. 
•    Show, don't tell.  Use your experiences for this.

[DejaBlu]

Thank you for taking the time to read and make comments!!

[DejaBlu]

I've rewritten my statement based upon the suggestions above.  Any suggestions/comments would be much appreciated.  I haven't checked the verb tenses or grammar yet.  I'm more concerned with content at the moment. Thank you.

[DejaBlu]

I can't seem to paste my text.  I'll try a new post.