My final draft

[futurepa588]

Can some please look at my final draft before submission?

 

          

            As an eleven year old in India, I witnessed my mom fall from a ladder and fracture her arm. My dad and I rushed her to the nearest clinic, but there was no X-ray facility available. Therefore, we had to take her to the nearest hospital. My dad’s panic was even more horrific than my mother’s pain, but the doctor dispelled our fears when he said that it was not a compound fracture and she would recover soon. I will always be indebted to him for treating my mother.

           The entire situation made a profound impact on me and motivated my passion of becoming a physician, but as I matured I realized that it isn’t the right fit for me. However, I was always passionate about medicine and offering a helping hand to the needy. As I explored my options, I came across physician assistant studies; I realized that it is one of the best ways to keep my passion for medicine alive, serve society, and strike a balance between my personal and professional life. I aspire to become a physician assistant in order take an active role in diagnosing and treating a disease as well following up with the patients. In addition to that, I want a career that would satisfy my intellectual curiosity and provide me with ample opportunities to learn about medicine.

            When I first started college, my understanding of a physician assistant’s role was very limited. In fact, my first encounter with a physician assistant wasn’t until I started my externship as a Medical Assistant at the ____ Urgent Care. At that facility, I realized that PAs are much more of a vital support system to the field of medicine than I ever anticipated. They are integral part of a team that provides patients with the personalized care that they deserve while the physician attends more complicated injuries, since they require extra training and expertise. I have already laid the foundation for my continuing education by working as a Medical Assistant at the __ Urgent Care.          

            When I first started my externship, my duties were limited to taking vitals and entering the data in the computer. However, as I proved my capabilities, I became accountable for wound care, removing sutures, giving injections, and aiding the providers with complicated procedures, such as lacerations and puncture wounds. After observing my dedication towards the patients and my desire to learn, Dr. __ showed an interest in teaching me the skills required to become a successful PA. He became my mentor; he would review the lab results with me, go over the X-rays, and show me how to conduct a physical examination.

            One incident that I can still recall is when I conducted a physical exam on a 14-year-old boy’s foot. Going by the Ottawa Ankle Rules that Dr. ___taught me, I told him that we should perform an X-ray because I suspected a fracture in the 5th metatarsal due to the tenderness in that area. He said, “Ok, let’s do it.” I was anticipating seeing the results because it was the first physical exam I performed on a patient. As soon as Dr. ____ opened the X-ray, he said, “Great catch, Eshan. Do you see this break in the 5th metatarsal?” It was a very unique feeling because I was happy that I contributed in making an accurate diagnosis. On the other hand, I was a little disappointed that I had to break this news to the patient along with Dr. ___.

           When Dr. ___ told him that he had a fracture, he was devastated since he was going to participate in a soccer game next week. Dr. ___ and I tried to console him and gave him a little time to recuperate from this news. Soon the patient said, “Well, it is a part of life. It happens.” I was amazed by the way he handled the situation. We splinted him and told him to follow up with an orthopedic specialist. The entire situation made me realize the importance of an accurate diagnosis and teamwork and how to treat a patient with care and compassion. Working with Dr. ____ and the PAs at ____ Urgent Care has taught me so much about treating patients as individuals and not just their signs and symptoms.

            Although my career choice has not followed the norm and I realized that I wanted to be a PA much later in life, I cannot imagine myself in a role other than a PA. Each day I have learned something valuable that I will carry with me throughout my career. For example, waiting for the lab results taught me patience; bringing the patient a glass of water made me a more compassionate human being; performing various procedures such as wound care, injections, and X-rays, taught me to maintain focus. However, there is still so much to learn, but at least I have established a solid foundation. Nevertheless, I want to strengthen this foundation through my education and training. I don’t claim that I will change the world with my physician assistant degree, but if I can alleviate someone’s pain, then all these years of schooling and the financial sacrifices will be worth it.

[Topsy]

Couple things:

 

1) Change this "My dad and I rushed her to the nearest clinic, but there was no X-ray facility available. Therefore, we had to take her to the nearest hospital." to this "My dad and I rushed her to the nearest clinic, but without an X-ray machine at the facility, we had to take her to the hospital."

 

2) You start paragraph 3 and 4 pretty much the same way.

 

3) Last sentence in paragraph 3 seems like it doesn't belong.

 

4) Great story about catching the broken toe! Way to go! But then you say "Working with Dr. and the PA's..." and I thought, wait! where did that "and the PA's" come from??! The majority of your PS is about your mentoring under the Dr. I don't think you can just throw in "working with PA's" as a phrase unless you go into further detail about that.

[yellow720]

 

my biggest tip- work on a stronger opening statement to really capture readers attention