Need Critique for my personal statement revised

[inessa25]

Since as long as I could remember, I have always been fascinated by the world of science. To me, the greatest mysteries were discovering just how the human body functions in such an intricate yet miraculous manner. It marveled me as to how the body acts in a diseased state, leaving me questioning as to “why does the body do that” and “how it can heal”? Over the years, my curiosity towards the medical field only continued to develop. The healthcare field is both challenging and satisfying at the same time. The fact that the medical field atmosphere constantly changes will provide me with the opportunity to grow infinitely and share my compassion and enthusiasm with others.

Growing up as the first English speaking descendant within a newly Russian immigrated family, my parents often relied on me for interpretation needs. I vividly recall the first time I had been acquainted with a physician assistant as I accompanied my mother at the clinic. He asked my mother about symptoms, while I interpreted that she experienced shortness of breath combined with headaches.  After taking a few tests, it was apparent that her blood cholesterol was sky high. He prescribed Lipitor and informed the proper usage of the medication. The practitioner would often explain the disease, symptoms and side effects to me in order to translate for my family. In doing so, I gained knowledge of various disease states and treatment methods. This was my initial introduction into the fascinating field of medicine. After leaving the clinic, I had a desire to research a physician’s assistants’ role in the medical field and was instantly mesmerized by the career. This path in life would allow me to diagnose, perform procedures and treat illnesses under the supervision of a physician. Ideally, this is the way I would like to practice medicine; I am a firm believer that the healthcare field revolves around the role of being an excellent team player.

Unfortunately, the Lipitor had adverse side effects which caused my mother to feel intense muscle weakness and severe fatigue. It had come to the point that getting out of bed was becoming brutally painful and produced more agony rather than benefits by being on this medication. One morning, I heard a loud ‘thump’ as if something fell on the floor. I rushed upstairs to see what happened and my jaw dropped open in astonishment. To my shock, I saw my mother pale as can be, laying on the floor, sweating, incoherent speech, completely disoriented and powerless. My heart was pounding and my mind was racing, it felt as if her life was slipping through my fingertips and I wasn’t ready to let go.

            Rushing my mother to the emergency room, it dawned on me just how serious the profession of a physician assistant really is. This event imprinted in my mind that being a physician assistant is mandatory of being incredibly attentive and most importantly detail oriented.

            To further my insight into the medical field, I began volunteering at Franklin Hospital LIJ to get a deeper understanding at the way a hospital runs and the general essence of the healthcare field.  While examining the hospital, I observed the fast paced environment and the helpless patients that I suddenly developed an empathetic desire to help them as much as I possibly could. What inspired me most to dedicate my life towards healing the sick is that even though the patient’s situation is dreary; the concerned and caring bedside manner of healthcare givers uplifts their spirits and creates hope. Volunteering at the hospital, I developed a compassionate connection with elderly patients which is an integral element to health care along with medical knowledge.

To further my healthcare experience, I began to volunteer at local medical offices ranging from pediatricians, internists to endocrinologists and it was truly a knowledgeable experience for me; I had the opportunity to ask endless questions that sparked my interest on various different topics. This built the fundamental foundation for establishing a solid interaction between practitioner and patient.

 My motivation resides from my parents immigrating to America for a better lifestyle for their children. They chose to struggle with a language barrier, financially and culturally just to provide the opportunity for their children to accomplish their hopes and dreams. My exposure to witnessing their challenges inspired me to obtain fulfillment in the medical field

Becoming a physician’s assistant slowly became an aspiration of mine fueled with great drive to dedicating myself into this career. This life goal can present a pure rewarding feeling knowing that they are making a positive change in someone’s life. The captivating endless phenomenons of the human creation are the reason why I choose to dedicate myself towards the path of a physician assistant. My inquisitive nature will permit me to expand my knowledge since this is a passion instilled within me. This thirst of knowledge combined with my desire to help those in need clearly suggests that this is the career for me and this is what I am determined to fulfill.

 Although the responsibility of this profession is immense, since the health of a precious life is in the caregiver hands; it is something a perfectionist such as I would yearn for. Serving humanity and providing care for the needy is a complete honor and I am certain that my efforts would create a meaningful difference.

I look forward to the academic struggle and the reason as to why I would like to attend the physician assistant program at this university is that I am hard working and committed to a career in medicine. I am fully aware that this is a career with many strenuous demands yet I believe I am entirely competent and determined to endure the struggles and accomplish my dream. It is crucial for me to attend a university with a program that is both challenging and worthwhile. I do not want an easy program simply because it will not bring out the best out of me; instead I want one that is intense and will train me for the difficulties in store for the future. Challenge is not an issue, since I must become accustom to stressful circumstances in order to become a valuable physician assistant in the profession of which I truly aspire.

[Topsy]

"newly Russian immigrated family" I would change that to Russian, newly immigrated family. Otherwise it sounds like you're new to being Russian. hahha.
"It had come to the point that getting out of bed was becoming brutally painful and produced more agony rather than benefits by being on this medication." I would rephrase it as "It had come to the point that getting out of bed was brutally painful; the medication produced more agony than benefits."

"pale as can be" pale as what? the first snowfallr? a paper napkin? try something more descriptive than the words "as can be"

"racing, it" change comma to semicolon

"What inspired me most to dedicate my life towards healing the sick is that even though the patient’s situation is dreary; the concerned and caring bedside manner of healthcare givers uplifts their spirits and creates hope." either keep it singular (patient's situation....uplifts his or her spirits) or plural (patients' situations...uplifts their spirits)

"Volunteering at the hospital, I developed a compassionate connection with elderly patients which is an integral element to health care along with medical knowledge." Change to something like "Volunteering at the hospital, I increased my medical knowledge and developed a compassionate connection with elderly patients, both of which are integral elements to health care."

[patachok]

Just by skimming...it TOO long. PM me your essay, I can look through it if you would like!