First Draft of Narrative, please help

[BYXtiger]

This is my first draft for my narrative and I am very open to suggestions....

 

A little more than a year ago, I sat in a chair at my grandmother’s bedside in the ICU.  She had been admitted to the hospital for a few days and all I could do is wait, wishing there was something more I could do.   As I watched various doctors, PAs, and nurses try to cure and soothe my grandmother, I felt powerless and helpless at a time when my grandmother needed me the most.  Soon after that, I learned that I hadn’t been accepted to PA school for a second time.  These two blows coming so close to each other left me feeling more discouraged and distant from my dream of becoming a Physician’s Assistant than ever before.  However, in the coming weeks, in which I had time to think back and reflect, these events that once discouraged me began to re-energize and encourage me to continue to pursue becoming a PA with a passion I barely recognized within myself.  It was because of being knocked down, that I realized my long, but clear journey ahead of me, to becoming helpful, instead of helpless to patients in need of my help.

 

Recently, my journey has led me to work at one of the busiest ERs in New Orleans, and in the state of Louisiana.  In our Emergency Room, patients come through our facility with health concerns all across the spectrum.  My job position has taken me from assisting in triage, to comforting concerned family members much like my own, to actively working CPR on a patient.  When faced with different medical situations, I have seen how I am able to manage stressful circumstances on my own, but also how I can act as a crucial part of my medical team to most effectively treat each patient. 

 

The thing that I have learned the most during my time working in the Emergency Room is the importance of patient interaction.  Once I step into a patient’s room, they become my main focus; they become my grandmother and my own family in our time of need.  I’ve been in their shoes before so I don’t see the patient as just another chart, which allows me to do everything I can to make them healthier, often going beyond just the bare medical treatment.  My coworkers and patients alike have acknowledged and valued this approach, making their time in the ER more enjoyable and promising.  When someone has been scared or uncomfortable, I’ve been able to make him or her smile; when they seem to be disheartened, I have helped to renew their faith.  I have learned that I have enough empathy to care about the patient’s welfare, while also doing what is most responsible and appropriate to treat the patient.

 

The challenge with my present situation is that I am limited to very little interventional medicine.   I want to be able to prescribe medicine to my patients, to discover and discuss the diagnosis with attending physicians, and further my knowledge to better treat patients in the future.   I am always eager to learn more and to do more, so I know that being a patient care tech, nursing assistant, or even a nurse isn’t enough for me.  I know this because I’ve been a tech, I’ve assisted nurses, and I have seen what they can and can’t do firsthand.  I have shadowed PAs in many different areas, including research, dermatology, internal medicine, cardiology, and emergency medicine.  Each relationship between the physician and PA was different, but in each situation there was a trust and a teamwork that makes working in a stressful environment or investigating a complex case so much more effective.  Furthermore, these experiences have encouraged me to take a holistic approach in treating patients.  I understand how a patient’s emotional, physical, psychological, and spiritual well-being all account to the overall health of the patient.  A prescription can treat symptoms, but may not change the underlying causes of the problem.  As a PA, I want to do more for my patients, so that they leave my clinic or hospital feeling better and having a renewed commitment to staying healthy.

 

I know that I’m meant to be a PA because of everything that I have experienced.  This isn’t my first time applying to PA school, but it’s the first time I feel completely prepared for what PA school and a career as a PA has to offer.  I have recently taken classes to renew my knowledge and make my GPA more competitive.  My drive to become a PA is stronger than ever, and I believe that I am a more well-rounded and complete applicant than in the past.  With your guidance and education, I strive to become a Physician Assistant that patients want to be evaluated and treated by, and one that I wish my grandmother could have experienced.  Nothing will prevent me from being a PA, but I am humbled by this opportunity to be a candidate for your program. 

 

 

[yellowpadofpaper]

Good read. A couple of things:

1)it's physician assistant, not physician's assistant!

2) the first time you introduce the term PA into your essay use the words physician assistant followed by (PA). Then you can always use PA instead of physician assistant because the reader is now aware of what PA is.

3) the last 2 sentences of your first paragraph are a bit drawn out and I get lost at what you are trying to convey:  However, in the coming weeks, in which I had time to think back and reflect, these events that once discouraged me began to re-energize and encourage me to continue to pursue becoming a PA with a passion I barely recognized within myself.  It was because of being knocked down, that I realized my long, but clear journey ahead of me, to becoming helpful, instead of helpless to patients in need of my help.

-Try a more straightforward approach as to your motivation for becoming a PA.

4) 2nd paragraph: what is your job in the ER?

5) the 3rd paragraph has a good sentiment, but make it more concise.

 

Definitely get some people you know to look over it with you. Maybe a writing center at your local college?

[EMEDPA]

Good read. A couple of things:

1)it's physician assistant, not physician's assistant!

yup, big red flag. that 's alone has gotten many apps thrown in the trash.

[BYXtiger]

Thank you so much.  I will be making changes.