First time applying. Any critique is greatly appreciated!

[jcapito1]

Becoming a successful Physician Assistant requires a variety of skills, many of which cannot be taught in the classroom. One trait that is intrinsic to any outstanding Physician Assistant is their passion to assist others in need. Some individuals become Physician Assistants because of a higher starting salary or strong prospective job opportunities in the medical field. However, I am pursuing this career because of my genuine desire to help others and my profound interest in the science of medicine. I have demonstrated my commitment to helping others in multiple instances since becoming a student at Ohio University. During my freshman year, I volunteered at a local thrift shop a couple weekends a quarter. This thrift shop helps to benefit many of the less-fortunate citizens of Athens County, Ohio by offering merchandise at extremely affordable prices. Additionally, during my senior year, I assisted in planning my fraternity’s first annual 5K to benefit pancreatic cancer research: 5cacia. The 5K committee consisted of four individuals who held leadership positions in the fraternity and two members who were appointed. Since I had just ended my term as chapter president, I was one of the two individuals appointed to the committee. During this process, we worked tirelessly to initiate this enormously important 5K from scratch. Currently, 5cacia is the most successful philanthropic even amongst the Greek community at Ohio University. I have also continued my commitment to helping others by volunteering to be my department’s Combined Federal Campaign (CFC) representative at the Louis Stokes VA Medical Center. As part of a team, we strive to raise funds to support a multitude of charities.

My interest in the Physician Assistant profession from a clinical perspective was initially invigorated during my father’s multiple hospital stays. During this period, I observed various clinicians in different capacities treating my father. Most of these clinicians, while extremely knowledgeable of medicine seemed to lack the ability to empathize. They would hastily rummage through the laboratory results and correlate them with his symptoms without making an effort to understand how vulnerable it feels to be dependent on another individual for survival. Learning the countless nuances of medicine is of monumental importance to every practicing clinician, however mastering the art of empathy is also an integral component of improving a patient’s well being. In my experience in the medical field, most clinicians lack the ability to effectively empathize with the patient. .

 

I have displayed my uncanny ability to empathize in many instances throughout my professional career. During my employment as a medical technologist at Ahuja Medical Center, I regularly drew blood during morning rounds. During blood draws, I thought it was important to listen to the patient’s concerns. In many instances, patients were too tired or sick to have a conversation. However, occasionally they would converse with me regarding why they were in the hospital, the quality of care they were receiving or about something unrelated to their hospital stay. I felt it was my obligation to not only listen to their concerns, but do anything within my control to help them. Sometimes, the patient would simply ask for a glass of water or to alert their nurse that they needed help to the restroom. Even though we were required to complete our blood draws within a certain time frame, I always took the time to listen or assist the patient in any way possible.

 

As a Physician Assistant, I will strive to not only thoroughly comprehend the medical aspects needed to be successful, I will also convey a sense of empathy to every patient I treat. I care deeply about helping others, especially the less fortunate. These are both integral qualities that every Physician Assistant should possess.

 

 

 

I know the conclusion is rather weak, I just ran out of words. I'm not sure what I should eliminate to bolster up the conclusion. Thank you so much for your advice.

 

Julian

[Miss]

Your first paragraph needs to be about you, something that makes the reader interested, makes them remember you, a story. And your. Inclusion has to be a flow from your intro. It has to finish the story! After reading hundreds of personal statements, yours seems to blend in. I would change your intro. Just my 2 cent! Good luck!:;-D:

[rn2pa]

You basically restate your resume.....they don't want to read what they already know...my 2 cents...

[GreatChecko]

I echo the above statements. This is your chance to stand out and you have lots of good things to talk about, but you are focusing what they probably know. Think about some interesting experiences that stick out to you or, even better, something that's not even on your resume, to write about. I think your challenge is to be specific and not just list out duties.

 

Adcoms often read thousands of essays and you have to always keep that in mind. You want your essay is the chance to make them want to meet you.

[generalfluff]

You want your essay is the chance to make them want to meet you.

 

Allow me to state the point more bluntly. The only purpose of your narrative essay is to grab you an interview.

I don't ever recall dating anybody, after finding out what her GPA, yearly salary, and other statistics were. These things only open the door. It's the person inside that keeps people interested.

 

Now for some solid tips on the essay.

 

Limit your focus and stick to telling a story. It is a personal narrative after all. It's the story of who you are, and why that person is someone they'd like as a student in their program. Take one significant anecdote, and showcase a few important traits of yours (clinical skills, thinking, crisis management, etc.). Weave in these personal characteristics as you tell the story. This normally takes the first paragraph of the essay. On the second part, write about how you came to decide that you wanted the role of a physician assistant, and why this role, and not any other one, works for you. The last part is a mixed bag. You can reinstate a message in earlier parts of your essay, speak about your personal goals, or even your philosophy as a healthcare provider. Anything else will work too, so long as you minimize writing in your essay, what anyone with basic literacy can get from your CASPA admission.

[jcapito1]

Thank you all for your input. I've intergrated a few of your suggestions and also substantially upgraded the syntax and vocabulary throughout. I'll post my final or close to final version tomorrow.