First Draft! Thanks for the critiques!

[jbinmn]

Hi.

 

I'm currently over the max character limit, so I'm looking for some advice on how to slim this down. Also, if I'm just way off base with my Narrative and what it should be accomplishing, let me know. I know from my research I've done that they're looking for something that shows who YOU are, and how you came to the decision of wanting to become a Physician Assistant. I feel like this narrative achieves that, but obviously needs some refining. Also, I didn't want to reiterate the things that were already on the application, as I read that isn't something you should do, but addressed the negatives quickly and efficently(describing why I didn't finish my online program, having the retinal detachment happen during my junior/senior year, etc.) Thanks a lot, everyone!

 

Narrative:

Dreams should be turned into reality. Throughout my life, I’ve experienced situations where people have told me, “You can’t do this” or “You’re not good enough to do that”. After my first two years of college, I decided that music was my calling. I remember telling my family that I had planned on going to California to audition for a band. To say the least, my family wasn’t accepting and would prefer I finish college. I was determined to succeed, not to prove others wrong, but to prove to myself that I can accomplish anything I put my mind to. I spent the next 4 years touring the world, putting out records on established labels, and sharing the stage with some of the biggest artists in the world.

 

I remember many times throughout my touring career, wondering what I would do if I wasn’t a musician. After getting a call from back home, everything had changed. Both my mother and grandmother were diagnosed with different forms of cancer at the same time. I moved back home immediately to be there for them both, and spent many hours in clinics as well as hospitals. Through this experience, I began to realize that I had a passion for helping others. I quickly began to research professions that intrigued me. Initially I had thought about Nursing, but after a tour of a lab with a family friend, I decided lab was the route I would take.

 

During my internship of being a Medical Laboratory Technician, I met a Physician Assistant whom I worked with on a daily basis in the hospitals clinic. We sat down many times during down time and discussed what a Physician Assistant was, what it took to become a PA, and what she did on a daily basis. I began to also research the profession during my free time. This was the first experience I had that began my journey of becoming a Physician Assistant.

 

At first, I was confused on the steps to take to get to that point since I didn’t have a Bachelors Degree. Since I was already working as a Lab Tech, I decided to pursue my Bachelors in Laboratory Science. I then enrolled in an online program at the University of Cincinnati. I quickly realized that online learning wasn’t the preferred method for me, finished the semester, and met with an advisor at Augsburg College. Shortly after, I began my studies for a Bachelors degree of Biology at Augsburg, but had to withdraw due to some unexpected financial hardships that wouldn’t allow me to afford the tuition.

 

I then took some time off from school, began to refocus, and spoke with a Physician Assistant who is still a mentor to me to this day. She recommended that I form my own Bachelors degree, which is what she did, and focus primarily on the prerequisites that most programs ask for. That next fall, I enrolled to finish my Bachelors degree with a new focus. During my first semester at Metropolitan State University, I also served as an overnight volunteer at St. Stephens Human Services. This experience really solidified my compassion for others in need, a quality that is so vital as a Physician Assistant.

 

Everything really seemed to be falling into place for me, as I was performing great in my studies, getting great health care experience through my job, and good volunteer experience through the Homeless Shelter. However, in the Spring/Fall of 2011 I had a life changing experience. Peering through my microscope at work, I was convinced the lenses were dirty. After cleaning the microscope numerous times, I called a coworker over to take a look. They looked at me and said, “The microscope is fine, are you sure you’re feeling alright?” Continuing to see objects floating in my vision, I quickly rushed to my eye doctor and spent the next 5 hours in his office. After many tests, he advised me that I was suffering from a detached retina, which would require surgery. The next day I had my first surgery to repair the detached retina.

 

During this time, I questioned myself so many times of whether I would be able to continue my dream of becoming a Physician Assistant. I felt that this would hinder my ability to be a great provider to my future patients. Shortly after my first surgery healed, my ophthalmologist then advised me that I would need a second surgery to fix the cloudiness I was seeing in my vision still. This involved me having cataracts surgery. I understood, and was in the next day to have my physical done prior to surgery. Ironically enough, the provider I had for the pre-op physical was a Physician Assistant! After reviewing my chart, she saw that I was health care professional as well as a student. After finding out what I was going to school for, she literally sat and talked with me for over an hour about her experiences as a PA, and calmed my doubts about not being a competent provider. She gave me the words of encouragement that I’ll never forget, “I think that this experience not only makes you realize that you’re human, but will make you even more compassionate to your future patients. Don’t give up!”

 

Morrie once said, “Devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to creating something that gives you purpose and meaning”. Throughout my process on this road to becoming a Physician Assistant, I have experienced a lot of valuable lessons that will make me not only a great Physician Assistant, but also a great candidate for your program. Being a Physician Assistant is what gives me purpose and meaning, and I’m ready to bring another dream to reality.

[grecob49]

I certainly think you did accomplish putting a lot of YOU into this narrative, however there is a lot that you need to work on. That isn't a bad thing, and in fact, having more material to work with is usually better than not having enough. I like that you used your past as a musician as an intro, but maybe use an anecdote instead of what you have, to really hook the reader in. You coming home for your mother and grandmother shows your love for family, and shows you're human. It's good that you addressed your schooling, but I think you may have dwelled on it a little longer than needed. It is clear that you have had a lot of exposure to PAs and the admissions committees will see that. I like your closing statement as well. Honestly you really just have to read it over and over and just decide on your own what you feel is more important to keep than something else. It takes a while, but it makes for a much stronger essay. Also, work on your grammar. Admissions committees will definitely notice bad grammar, and you don't want THAT to be the reason they don't invite you for an interview. I'm not saying any of this to be overly critical. Clearly you have experience and have been through a lot. You just need to condense it into a concise statement. Good luck, and if you dont mind, I would love if you could critique my narrative that I posted earlier this week!

[EMEDPA]

Morrie once said, “Devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to creating something that gives you purpose and meaning”. Throughout my process on this road to becoming a Physician Assistant, I have experienced a lot of valuable lessons that will make me not only a great Physician Assistant, but also a great candidate for your program. Being a Physician Assistant is what gives me purpose and meaning, and I’m ready to bring another dream to reality.

 

REWRITE OR REMOVE THE HIGHLIGHTED SECTIONS.

[Miss]

I would cut out the whole part in the beginning about music and start off very dramatic with your mother and your grandmother being diagnosed with cancer. The music part is insignificant to pa but cancer is, and I believe it will keep the readers going. After thousands of ps, many might seem redundant but readers might remember a person that had 2 members of family get cancer at the same time. Just my 2. Cents! Good luck