First draft of my essay!

[la03]

As a six-year-old, I remember playing with my dolls on the foyer floor of my childhood home. My dolls were my patients and I worked overtime to rush them to the emergency room, cure them of their ailments, and send them home feeling better than when they arrived at my “emergency room”.

As a ten-year-old, and for the next couple of years, I became acquainted with a real emergency room more than I would have liked. A family friend who was diagnosed with kidney cancer years before became increasingly ill during this time. I accompanied him on several trips to the ER and I will never forget how I admired the healthcare team that intervened during this trying time. This man who was told he had only months to live after his diagnosis lived a full ten years longer than many of his doctors expected. I attribute this to his positive attitude and to the wonderful healthcare he received.

Throughout my adolescent years, I never directly interacted with my physician but always met with the physician assistant, who remains a huge inspiration to me. She was always extremely knowledgeable, made me feel comfortable in the office, and was a fantastic role model. This was the first time that I realized what a physician assistant does and seriously considered it as a career for myself.

Throughout my teen years, I excelled in the sciences in high school. During my junior year I did well in my AP Chemistry class, which upon discussing it with my family, led me to believe I would make a great pharmacist. However, it was not until I took AP Biology and Human Anatomy as a senior that I felt true passion for a school subject. I would study for these classes during all my free periods; I loved the intricacies of the human body, the wonders of our world, and learning about how even the most seemingly insignificant parts of nature work together to produce life. At the time that I took these biology classes I was already enrolled to begin at UConn as a pre-pharmacy major. Despite my newfound passion, I went ahead with my initial decision.

At UConn, I did not feel fulfilled. I realized that I wanted to have a more hands on role with patients in my future career. It was then that I acknowledged what I had already known for a couple of years: I wanted to be a physician assistant. This brought me to UMass Dartmouth as a Biology major with a pre-health track and I absolutely loved it.

Over a year ago, I began working as a nurse aide at Emeritus Senior Living. This job has given me valuable medical experience. I have been able to work closely with nurses and have enjoyed discussions with a handful of visiting physicians which has further convinced me I am pursuing the right career. I love my job and my hard work has earned me a promotion to medication manager, a position in which I am responsible for the administration of medications to all residents at the facility, discussing medications with their families, and working closely with the pharmacies. I perform these duties in conjunction with my nurse aide duties. More valuable than the medical experience, however, is the life experience I have gained working as a nurse aide. I have watched residents whom I have worked closely with pass away, I have washed their paper-machete skin, and I have listened to their stories of times past. This, more than anything, is what great healthcare is about. It is important to let patients know that they are cared for, that they are in good hands, and that they are valuable.

Just after beginning my job as a nurse aide, I lost my grandfather to a heart attack quite unexpectedly. The day before he passed away, we spent the afternoon working on my car and spent the evening relaxing. When I received a phone call the next morning telling me he had a heart attack, I was devastated. The loss of him was extraordinarily hard for me and my family but my grandfather knew what my dreams for the future were and he was always so proud of me. I will honor him by continuing to pursue my desire to become a physician assistant.

Today, these are my motivations. After successfully earning my bachelor’s degree, working for a year and a half as a nurse aide, and experiencing what great healthcare is, I know I am ready to begin the physician assistant graduate program. My experiences have only enhanced my desire to make this my career. I am certain that being a physician assistant will fulfill me and that it will be a career I excel in.

 

Thank you for considering me as a candidate for your program.

[GreatChecko]

It's a good story. I can tell that your grandfather had an impact on you, however, that detail seems thrown in at the end. Also, the topic sentences are repetitive. Instead of beginning with a time point, "when I was..." etc. change things up.

 

Oh and, "paper mache," not "paper machete." I don't think they had skin make of large paper knives :-)

 

GC

[grecob49]

You have some good ideas here, but I think you need to elaborate more on the qualities of the PA profession you like over being another healthcare professional, such as a nurse. You don't really elaborate on the qualities of a PA that you like for yourself. What about the profession makes you want to choose it over being a nurse, who also provides primary care for patients and develops a relationship with them? I love your use of your experiences as a CNA, and how your relationship with the patients is what you like most about the job. I think the story about your grandfather is kind of disjointed with the rest of your narrative, maybe work on integrating it earlier on in your essay, as I know he must have been a huge influence on you. You have a great essay here, it just needs to be tuned up a bit! Good luck! :)

[la03]

thank you both very much! (: