2nd draft, feedback is valuable!

[Dynamo24]

Here is my second draft, I'm just under the character count (4980). If anything can be removed let me know. I wanted to try and add about my volunteering but I'm not sure if that would be shoehorning unneeded information in there. I feel this is long winded or incomplete. Also I am taking it to my universities writing center for grammar, etc. so no worries about killing me on that.Thanks for reading!

 

As I was sitting in the exam room, the orthopedic surgeon said “You have what we call the terrible triad. This injury combined with breaking the same leg less than 8 months ago, you probably won’t be the same athlete you were before”. I didn't know how to respond. Everything I had worked so hard for was slipping out of my hands. Coming from a poor background being raised by a single mother where not one of my family members attended college, football was my way out. I never thought of attending college for academics; football was all I ever wanted to do. The physician walked through what to expect, the procedure, and recovery. It didn't matter what he said, I was too devastated to care. He briefly introduced me to his physician assistant and then left the room. I had no idea what a physician assistant was; I thought he was just there to take notes. The physician assistant stayed behind to give me some further information about pre-rehab and how to prepare for the surgery so I would have a full recovery. He could see the pain in my face, the tears welling up in my eyes. As impossible as it may have seemed to console a 17 year old kid, he took his best shot. “It’s going to be okay, nothing is ever for sure”. At the time it was insignificant to me. It was obvious he was more concerned about my well-being as a person than my knee as a patient. Each subsequent visit was a joy for me. He would talk to my mother and I about how things were going, ask me about my favorite sports teams, and compliment me on the hard work I was putting in at therapy. Impressively enough he remembered nearly everything we talked about which truly did help with my self-esteem.

 

Unfortunately it wasn’t long after surgery I isolated myself and eventually dropped out of high school. I was convinced I didn’t stand a chance in college academically. I relegated myself to mowing lawns and digging holes to lay water pipes. I worked at a pizza shop for four years then switched to installing windows for a glazing company. I thought this is what I was set out to be: uneducated and working jobs that didn’t challenge me intellectually. As I grew more tired with this type of work, I researched becoming a personal trainer. I’ve always had a love for fitness and felt it was a great way to challenge myself and have a rewarding career. I earned my certification in six months and was hired at a local gym in Omaha when I was 23. I was training motivated and educated people: physicians and successful business people. While training, my clients asked me some interesting questions: Why are you still here? You’re way too smart to be training for the rest of your life, why don’t you go to college and grow yourself? I took all of this in stride as people just being nice to a young kid who came from nothing. They could see I was hungry for more than just training; I needed more growth personally and intellectually. The one who saw this the most was my fiancé. She could see how I was unfulfilled and desiring more out of myself. One day she sat me down and said “I want you to be the best you can. I support you in everything you do and I think you need to go to college to find what you love”. This was a sacrifice for us being that we would be heading into marriage with one less income for years to come. We decided as a couple to move forward, leave my training job, and enroll in classes.

 

I had no idea what I wanted to be, but I had an interest in medicine because I am fascinated by the miracle that is the human body. A friend recommended physician assistant school and I remembered my experience with the physician assistant at the orthopedic clinic. I went home to research all I could about the profession. I loved the autonomy, working with a team of healthcare professionals, the graduate school length, and the opportunity to work in many areas of medicine. I saw many schools required healthcare experience. With the various opportunities out there, I knew that becoming an EMT would be the best for me. I enjoy thinking on my feet, making quick and informed decisions, and the scope of practice of an EMT. As an EMT, the amount of patient contact I have is high and diverse. Even though my knee injury was over 12 years ago, every day I go to work and see patients I remember how I was treated by my physician assistant. I put forth the effort to treat my patients with same compassion, care, and respect as I received. I am lucky to be involved with many physician assistants at work and every one I have come in contact with has been patient, informative, and personable. The relationships I have built through working as an EMT with physician assistants has increased my desire to become a physician assistant. I believe my life and work experience plus my relationships with physician assistants has not only exposed me to the physician assistant profession but has greatly prepared me for the challenge of becoming and practicing as a physician assistant.

[tour9196]

With the other thread, you can definitely use PA after you initially say physician assistant. Overall its a good story and flows well, minus grammar issues and could use better vocabulary (I have the same issue). If you want to shorten it, I would take out:

"I relegated myself to mowing lawns and digging holes to lay water pipes. I worked at a pizza shop for four years then switched to installing windows for a glazing company. I thought this is what I was set out to be: uneducated and working jobs that didn’t challenge me intellectually." Make this into one sentence.

"As I grew more tired with this type of work, I researched becoming a personal trainer. I’ve always had a love for fitness and felt it was a great way to challenge myself and have a rewarding career. I earned my certification in six months and was hired at a local gym in Omaha when I was 23." Also can be reduced. Ex - I grew more tired of this work and, interested in becoming a trainer, obtained my certification in fitness after 6 months being hired at a local gym.

Well I wont go through whole thing, I think you get the idea. Nice job and good luck.

[Dynamo24]

Thanks, I apprecaite the ideas on how to pare it down a bit. Good luck on your statement and applicaton.

[ppelavin]

I'm not sure if you've gone to the writing center or not, if so maybe some of these things have come up, but if not, hope this helps. First off, I think your background is solid and you explain how you've come to your interest in the PA profession very well. I think with a revision or two you've got a great personal statement.

 

This series of sentences in your first paragraph tripped me up: "At the time it was insignificant to me. It was obvious he was more concerned about my well-being as a person than my knee as a patient. Each subsequent visit was a joy for me." I get that you're saying the PA had a great deal of concern for you as a person and didn't just see you as a condition to treat, but I think that at the same time it almost plays down his medical role too much, maybe saying something like "equally concerned" would work? Also just the transition from something being insignificant to being a joy was a little abrupt for me.

 

I agree with tour9196 that you could condense the beginning of your second paragraph, I think you're setting up an important part of your journey to where you are, but the first 5 sentences could be shortened a bit. I think you could also rework the first sentence of the last paragraph. While I totally agree that the human body is a miracle, "the miracle that is the human body" reads a little as a cliche, maybe try to tie it back into your work as a trainer specifically by saying something like "I had developed an interest in medicine through my experiences as a trainer which gave me an appreciation for the resilience and intricacies of the human body."

 

Lastly, if you can cut some things from earlier in the statement, like from the beginning of the 2nd paragraph, I think adding in something about your volunteer work like you mentioned, or maybe even just expanding on your work as an EMT would be helpful. Maybe specifically mentioning an interaction with a patient, or an interaction with a PA that you've worked with during your time as an EMT, something that sort of grounds that experience and demonstrates how it's been significant for you.

 

Again, I think you're on the right track. Good luck!

[Dynamo24]

@ppelavin thanks so much for the input! You exposed all the things I was worried about and I can't tell you how much I appreciate it. I'm going to revise tonight/tomorrow and re-post and hopefully I can start to get to the final draft. Thanks again!