Personal Statement, any advice/criticism please

[cdouglas]

I'm not a strong writer so I am sure that it needs a lot of work. Also, it is a little long so let me know if there is anything I can take out. Thanks for any help.

 

On a recent visit to my parent’s home I stood in the living room amongst piles of trash, clothes, and collections of useless things half way to the ceiling and I thought, “Why did I have to grow up this way?” When I was young it was easy to feel sorry for myself. I never had a friend over, I slept on a pile of clothes, and my house barely had working plumbing. However, as I stood there thinking, I realized how growing up with a hoarding parent has given me compassion and understanding of people during challenging times, when others may judge and look down upon them, I am able to look past their circumstance and see who they really are. My mother, although mentally ill, is one of the kindest people I know. I realize that people cannot be defined by an illness or disability. I feel the compassion I gained from this experience is one of my best attributes as a person, and will be my greatest strength in my career as a physician’s assistant. My family’s battle with mental illness along with my work and volunteer experience has been my primary motivation to become a physician’s assistant.

 

My first exposure to health care started during college while shadowing at a local veterinary office. The veterinarian allowed me to participate in all of the tasks and procedures he conducted. Even in surgery I would stand on the other side of the animal and often hold instrumentation, monitor the patient’s vitals, and take biopsies of tissue. My time at the veterinary clinic sparked a possible interest in veterinary medicine, however I was not convinced.

 

To further explore career options, after undergraduate school, I got a job as a laboratory technician working with animals at Covance Laboratories. My work specialized in toxicity testing in the early development phase of pharmaceutical drugs. At Covance I gained experience that would be difficult to get without a higher degree in the medical field. I learned nearly every route of drug administration, sample collection techniques, clinical observations, EKG’s, histology/necropsy procedures, study management, and all about the drug development process. I was responsible for the animal’s health, well-being, and the integrity of the studies. I liked my job, but often felt disconnected to the people we were helping. Once in a while, Covance would bring in people to tell us their stories and how our work has helped them in some way. I loved this; it gave me a sense of pride in my work and helped me realize the role I was playing in helping people. These stories strengthened my desire to be closer to the patient. I wanted to see first-hand the effects of my work. I wanted to play a bigger role in making people better.

 

It was this desire to help people that led me to start exploring other careers in the medical field. A professor in college had once told me that I should consider being a physician’s assistant, so I researched the profession. I found it to be a good fit for me. I loved its flexibility and the duration of schooling seemed just right. In college I participated on the cross country and track teams and much of my work at Covance was very team oriented, so naturally I was attracted to the team effort that goes into being a PA. In order to gain experience and exposure to the PA profession, I went to class at night and obtained the emergency medical technician certification, and later started to volunteer at Casa Grande Regional Medical Center in the emergency room.

 

During my volunteer experience I got a chance to shadow several physician’s assistants. I paid attention to how the PA would introduce himself/herself, take the patient’s history, listen to the concerns of the patient, and communicate the diagnosis and treatment. I also saw how important it was to build a good rapport. I enjoyed talking to the patients and their families, and I started to see my compassionate nature come out more and more. The event that solidified my interest in the medical professional field was when a homeless woman was brought in and had a severe infection throughout her lower legs. She was mentally ill, overweight, and had a very unpleasant smell. Many of the nurses couldn’t go into the room, and I heard whispers of judgment spread across the ER. I instantly felt for this woman, who had no one there for her, and was obviously in an incredible amount of pain. I spent most of my volunteer time in the room with her, and the nurse taking care of her even asked if I would help undress her and take cultures of her wounds because no one else wanted to. After she was sent to a different area of the hospital with the possibility of losing both of her legs, I started to think about her future and the toll mental illness can have upon someone even to a point where it affects them physically.

 

The woman from the ER and much of my childhood inspire me to become a physician’s assistant, possibly in the area of psychiatry. I want to explore the effects of a person’s thoughts on their body, and hopefully be able to help the underprivileged and families like mine. I want to use the difficult times I had as a child to help others overcome their own.

[kagildersleeve]

cdouglas - i actually found that you conveyed yourself very well through your narrative! it had nice flow, came across genuinely, and was an interesting read. There were a few minor grammatical changes I would make, but I think you ARE a strong writer. I do have some generalized thoughts on your essay, you can take or leave these comments as you please:

 

- i think your opening paragraph is great. it gives the reader a strong sense of you as a person, and ends with a clearly defined reason WHY you want to be a PA, specifically when working with mental health patients.

 

- i would definitely condense your paragraphs on working as a vet tech/animal lab tech. I worked with animals in behavioral neuroscience reserach for 2 full years as a lab manager, and gained considerable experience both in brain surgery and perfusions in particular. However, while that let me know that I loved performing surgeries, I didn't really bring it up in my personal statement other than a sentence saying exactly that (I loved performing surgeries, but I really wanted to to make more of a difference, and I thought I could accomplish that by working with patients, not rats). I would expand more on your experience with patients, but I would also probably find a full-time job doing patient care. Most schools require at least some, and it really does help solidify your understanding of medicine as a whole. Even though I thought I knew what I was getting into after having spent so much time doing injections, surgeries, post-op care with animals, they are worlds apart.

- I would also flush out your end paragraph. REALLY go into why you want to be a PA, even why you wouldn't want to be an NP or and MD, and let them know that you've done your homework and this is the path for you. Good luck!!!

[packofneurons]

-It's Physician Assistant, not physician's assistant.

- A professor in college had once told me that I should consider being a physician’s assistant, so I researched the profession. I found it to be a good fit for me. I loved its flexibility and the duration of schooling seemed just right. This does not shine you in a positive light - it doesn't sound passionate enough to me.

-There are many things you condense to sound short and sweet. The story is there, but you need to firm up your ideas and syntax.

[Just Steve]

cdouglas, I agree with the first feed back you received, the essay is compelling, reads well, definitely tells a story. I will admit that the first sentence had me going "oh man, yet another story of a life changing moment of watching someone get cared for" but I was quickly snapped back to your story as the paragraph definitely did not follow the same pattern as hundreds of other PSs...your will stand out. (in a good way)

 

The second feedback you received is partially correct. There is no possessive apostrophe in physician assistant, but the name is not capitalized. We don't capitalize nurse, doctor, respiratory therapist, paramedic...physician assistant doesn't get it either..unless you are using it as someone's name i.e.: "Physician Assistant Crosby performed a brilliant......" However...that faux paus is RAMPANT throughout the medical community. I see clinics identifying their PAs as "physician's assistant" all the friggin' time. Not to mention the media... but I digress.

 

I found the third paragraph to be a bit wordy. I'd probably nip about a 1/3rd of the verbiage out of that. The fifth paragraph didn't really capture me that aggressively either. I totally understand the point you are trying to convey and how you are tying that patient back into the memory of your mom. You are reminding the reading audience that you are a compassionate, caring, motivated person who was shaped by a unique situation. However...that paragraph could go on a diet as well and lose 30% of the verbiage. I love message and the closing points but I think you can clean up the presentation.

 

I don't know how tight you are on space but after the first time you type "physician assistant" you can simply put PA in parentheses after it, then use PA instead of typing out physician assistant each time. If you are talking about multiple PAs, there is no possessive apostrophe there either. It may save you a few bytes of space.

 

Good luck

[cdouglas]

Thank you so much for the advice. You guys were so helpful and encouraging. I made a lot of changes and I feel like it is a much stronger essay thanks to many of your comments. Let me know what you think.

 

On a recent visit to my parent’s home, I stood in the living room amongst piles of trash, clothes, and collections of useless things half way to the ceiling and I thought, “Why did I have to grow up this way?” When I was young it was easy to feel sorry for myself. I never had a friend over, I slept on a pile of clothes, and my house barely had working plumbing. However, as I stood there, I realized how growing up with a hoarding parent has given me compassion and understanding of people during challenging times. When others may judge and look down upon them, I am able to look past their circumstance and see who they truly are. My mother, although mentally ill, is one of the kindest people I know. I realize that people cannot be defined by an illness or disability. I feel the compassion I gained from this experience is one of my best attributes as a person, and will be my greatest strength in my career as a physician assistant (PA). My family’s battle with mental illness along with my work and volunteer experience has been my primary motivation to become a PA.

 

My first exposure to health care started during college while shadowing at a local veterinary office. The veterinarian allowed me to participate in a variety of tasks and procedures including; preparing and handling instrumentation, monitoring vitals, and taking biopsies of tissues. After undergraduate school, I got a job as a laboratory technician at Covance Inc. to further explore the field of veterinary medicine. I gained a lot of expertise in routes of drug administration, sample collection techniques, clinical observations, EKG’s, histology/necropsy procedures, study management, and the drug development process. I liked my job, but often felt disconnected to the people I was helping. Once in a while, guest speakers would come to tell us their stories and how our work has helped them in some way. I loved this; it gave me a sense of pride in my work and helped me realize the role I was playing in helping people. These stories strengthened my desire to be closer to the patient.

 

It was this desire to help people that led me to start exploring other careers in the medical field. I took night classes to obtain my certification as an emergency medical technician (EMT). During my clinical as an EMT, I witnessed the importance and benefits of the relationship between a physician and a PA. I noticed how a supervising physician allowed an experienced PA more autonomy, while giving more direction to a new PA. The experienced PA was confident and often acted as a mentor to her peer while the new PA was still gaining confidence and sometimes needed reassurance. This showed me how the PA profession is a constant learning experience. The three of them ran the ER efficiently, trusting and relying on each other. I saw how important it was for a PA to possess great communication and problem solving skills and the ability to work in a team environment. After my clinical, I researched the nurse practitioner (NP), physician, and PA professions and discovered that, unlike a physician, the PA offers greater flexibility in changing specialties and the freedom to have a better work/life balance allowing me to start a family within the next few years. With my background and experience, pursuing the PA profession is more practical than the NP profession.

 

To further my research, I started to volunteer at Casa Grande Regional Medical Center and got the opportunity to shadow several PAs. I observed how the PAs would introduce themselves, take patient history, build a rapport, and communicate the diagnosis and treatments. I enjoyed talking to patients and their families, and started to see my own compassionate nature emerge. The event that solidified my interest in the medical field was when a homeless woman was brought in with a severe infection of her lower legs. She was mentally ill, overweight, and had a particularly unpleasant smell. I felt compassion for this woman who was in an incredible amount of pain and had no family or friends. While other nurses refused to go into the room, I spent most of the day with her, comforting her, and helping to undress and take cultures of her wounds. At the end of the day, I started to think about her future and the toll mental illness can have upon someone both mentally and physically.

 

Since graduating from college, I have struggled with the direction I want to pursue as a professional. I have a love and aptitude for science and medicine while my family’s history of mental illness motivates me to help others in similar situations. The homeless woman from the ER helped me realize that I can do both by specializing in psychiatry. I want to explore the effects of a person’s thoughts on their body. I want to use my experiences as a child and love for science and medicine to help others.

[wan2bdoc3]

WOW!, SO apparently there are some “syntax issues, and the thread comment about the “flexible hours and the duration….” IN MY OPINION, that is true but it also a stretch with an indirect potential inference coming from the reader. THIS is based on my OVERALL critique of what you wrote and most importantly SHARED. I thought it was a great story and you seemed to hit all the points they would potentially be looking for. LOOKS GREAT, I’ve read a “few narrs” but I turned down the TV to read yours. Good luck, Ron.