PA statement draft 1

[muchi]

Any and all feedback is really appreciated. I know how busy we all are so your comments have my gratitude. Thanks!

 

It seems like yesterday, we were at the endocrinologist’s office, waiting anxiously with numerous troubling thoughts running through our heads. My brother was gaining weight uncontrollably, we were told his bone age was significantly delayed, and an autoimmune disease was the prime suspect. The only autoimmune problems we knew of were cancer and this put my mother beside herself with worry. In walked the woman who would be our “go-to” person for the next several years: a Physician Assistant. Though I did not realize it then, this experience served as the catalyst for my interest in medicine and my current aspirations.

Moving onto my first year at Loyola University, I was the typical wide-eyed, fish-out-of-the pond freshman. I had big hopes and dreams yet knew little about how I was going to achieve them. I was determined to avoid my biggest pitfall in high school: getting off to a slow start. I went to each and every class and stuck to the study routine that helped me go well at the end of high school. Big mistake. Being the first in my family to go to college in the US, I did not have concrete guidance or inside advice about the college experience. For example, I did not expect that starting to study two nights prior to my chemistry exam, like I did in high school, would lead to disastrous results. It is fair, even necessary, to say that I faced a huge learning curve the first couple of semesters. Another factor was the job at Fans Edge I started a month before college began. Between work and school, the time management aspect, which I thought I was pretty good at, became another matter of concern. And on top of all that, I still had not figured out what I wanted for my future.

Though having a job caused my grades to be lower than desired, the experience was invaluable. I have always considered myself a team player and this job really helped me hone that skill. Being a sporting goods store, employees were put into teams and in charge of various tasks. Team members would constantly change and this made me a dynamic and flexible person. You realize that everyone has their strengths and weaknesses and the most effective way to get things done is to work together. The saying “two minds are better than one” really took on meaning for me. This job really helped me develop my people skills as well because I dealt with customers from all kinds of backgrounds and our job was to make the most out of the few minutes of interaction we had. Although the job was fulfilling (diff word?), it made me realize I did not want a future in the corporate world; it did not feel like a perfect fit.

As I contemplated more on a career choice, the best advice I received was from my dad. He said I should think of who I am, my strengths and weaknesses, and what kind of meaning or relevance I want my career to have. I needed to realize who I was first and then look for the job that fit, not look for the “perfect job” and then force myself to conform. Looking for a career from the money or prestige angle often leaves something to be desired. Being a bio major already, I noticed I always found the “relation to health care” parts of our textbooks really fascinating. I remember the excitement I felt when I discovered why the tetanus vaccine is given every ten years. I know, nerdy. I then began to research medical careers; radiologist, pharmacist, and nurse were just a few but none of them really “clicked.”

As soon as I researched Physician Assistant (odd?), my mind went back to sitting in that endocrine clinic with my brother. What impressed me most about the PA was not her medical knowledge, but how sincerely she cared for our family. We called her for every health problem my brother had, whether it was related to his hypothyroidism or not, and the support and expertise she provided cannot be understated. She helped us get through a tough spot in our life and that is what “clicked” for me. That is what I want for my future; giving everything I have to make someone else’s life a little bit better. I believe there is more to life than just working; there is so much to discover about ourselves and our world that limiting ourselves to our careers seems unfair. This is one of the main attractions of the PA profession; the job has so much importance and meaning but I will not be inundated by it. The time I have spent shadowing PAs has strengthened my conviction that I fit this career path. It encourages teamwork and cooperation, which are things this world could use a lot more of. Few people can make the entire world a better place for everyone but everyone can try to make the ‘little world’ around them a better place. I feel that being a Physician Assistant will allow me to pursue my own interests and give me the opportunity to care for and give back to my little world.

[jen0508]

"It seems like yesterday, we were at the endocrinologist’s office...," kind of a corny opener, I already rolled my eyes after that line thinking "here we go again..".. consider changing

 

"My brother was gaining weight uncontrollably, we were told his bone age was significantly delayed, and an autoimmune disease was the prime suspect." consider breaking this up into smaller sentences

 

"The only autoimmune problems we knew of were cancer" i dont think cancer is autoimmune, if so that is a fact that i missed after 2 years in PA school and my colleague (another PA) is unaware of after 12 years of practice. might want to take this out so admissions arent thinking "huh...?"

 

"...next several years: a Physician Assistant". does not need to be capitalized

"Moving onto my first year at Loyola University" sounds akward, maybe say "Beginning my first year at Loyola..."

 

"I went to each and every class" just say "each"

 

"...and stuck to the study routine that helped me go well at the end of high school." helped you go well at the end of high school? what does that mean

 

"...........For example, I did not expect that starting to study two nights prior to my chemistry exam, like I did in high school, would lead to disastrous results. It is fair, even necessary, to say that I faced a huge learning curve the first couple of semesters. Another factor was the job at Fans Edge I started a month before college began. Between work and school, the time management aspect, which I thought I was pretty good at, became another matter of concern. And on top of all that, I still had not figured out what I wanted for my future." --> this is all really long and ackwardly written. I get you are trying to say "this is why my grades were bad" but you are listing too many excuses and comes off as whining. shorten this to a sentence or two. dont devote an ENTIRE paragraph to the explanation of bad grades....EVERYONE has a learning curve when starting college

"Though having a job caused my grades to be lower than desired" i think you should take the previous paragraph out and just let this explain your grades

 

"Team members would constantly change and this made me a dynamic and flexible person." --> say "helped me become" instead

 

"You realize that everyone has their strengths and weaknesses..."--> change to "I realized"

 

"Although the job was fulfilling (diff word?)"--: Although the job taught me alot

 

" Being a bio major already,..." --> say biology

 

".... I know, nerdy." take that out, its not appropriate for a personal statement. too slang-ish

 

This essay needs to be revamped. other than the intro, you dont mention "physician assistant" until the LAST paragraph. you spend 3 long paragraphs talking about why you didnt do well in college and rambling about a job at a sporting goods store. just about everyone had gig in retail while they were in HS/college so it kind of sounds like you are milking this experience. also, you talk about a sporting goods store for a whole paragraph and write ONE sentence at the end about shadowing a PA ?? Once you take out the "why i didnt do well in school" paragraph, replace it with more elaboration on the PAs you shadowed. Where did you shadow them, what specialties, what did you learn? THATS what we care about! I also see no mention of any type of healthcare experience, not even volunteering. THATS something we care about too! You really need to get out there and experience the healthcare field. Shadowing just isnt enough.....this essay makes it sound like you just went to college, googled PA, and then sent out your application to PA schools. this may not be the case but thats how it comes off. i highly recommend getting a certification (emt, cna, etc) to get you started in the healthcare field. that way you wont have to spend a paragraph talking about what you learned at a sporting goods store :) anywho, good luck!

[muchi]

thank you so much! I did not even realize half these things so all of your feedback was super helpful. back to the drawing board i guess. Thanks for taking the time out to help me :)

[jen0508]

thank you so much! I did not even realize half these things so all of your feedback was super helpful. back to the drawing board i guess. Thanks for taking the time out to help me :)

 

your welcome. you have a good start just keep at it